There Is An Alternative But I'm Not Seeing It

[I have a username]

Just because you decided to forgive him it doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a situation that is going to make you uncomfortable (to say the least.) And no, your mother has NOTHING to do with this even if she lives with you. I'm also surprised your husband agrees with that; I'm sorry to say, but you should say NO period. If mother gets upset, well, then you have a good opportunity there to start exercising standing up for yourself. What she (your mother) is trying to do to you is SO wrong in so many ways that I don't even know where to begin. I would say HELL NO and talk to the therapist to help you deal with your mother if that's the problem. He will be able to give you support. Also, talk to the husband and ask for his support too. You may not believe this, but you have NO OBLIGATION whatsoever to say yes. AT. ALL.

 

[WillyKat]

If he really feels apologetic and has received therapy, he ought to know better than to accept staying at your place. For him not to choose to stay elsewhere, says to me he wants to be closer to you.

Now I guess its possible that he thinks he's so much better now that everything is fine. On the other hand, sometimes us victims get therapy, think we're better, but really aren't. It has to be the same for abusers that get therapy. He may genuinely believe he's fine, but there may be something else going on below the surface.

 

[scout86]

My first thought was "you could kill him...." :ninja: (And, that might be why my T suggests that I don't do visualizations that involve the use of firearms. :()

A wicked bit of me did think of saying " Well, you made me share a bed with him, so maybe you could share your own"

That would be my second choice! (Sorry, but your mother's behavior is making my angry.) Nothing wicked about it. Fair is fair!

Maybe you can talk to him about what this is bringing up for you?...and if he does genuinely care about your feelings he will look for alternative arrangements.

There's my personal third choice and maybe the best one. You say he's apologized. You say he's in therapy and that you've decided to forgive him. So, he should be able to handle this conversation. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you're comfortable being around them. Being sincerely repentant DOES mean you don't want to hurt your victim any more. If he's really sorry, once he knows being around him is still a problem for you, he should remove himself from your house and apologize for the distress he's caused you.

Honestly, I think your mother owes you an apology too. She lives in a weird version of reality. That's fine, but it doesn't give her the right to impose it on others. (You realize that SHE is an abuser too, right?)

Sorry you're having to deal with this! In nearly impossible situations, it helps me to remember "this too shall pass", but you shouldn't have to be in a situation like this.

 

[I have a username]

One more thing to add: I wouldn't talk to him. Why do that? The fact that he (if I understood correctly) asked to stay in your place through your mother and not directly to you is already weird enough. That does not say "respect" to me, it shouts INVASION. I would at least question his "honest apologies" and just say no. No need of further discussion; not with him. Start setting your boundaries now, really. It's a damn good opportunity for that. You'll feel better afterwards.

 

[I have a username]

And yes, your mother is being just as abusive, sorry to say. It makes me angry too.

 

[Ocean5]

Uh....just my personal experience. Thought I had forgiven my father, tried to rebuild a relationship, said he changed, new wife told me he had changed "decade" before. I tried to let him back into my life recently. First by phone, realized he was still screwed-up. I'm normally a calm quiet person, but I told him off on phone in public parking lot night after he told me such things that sent me into flashbacks and state of terror. Then the nerve to call me next morning! A**hole didn't even remember what he had told me. After limited to email contact. He brought up so many childhood traumas - messed me up more.

Re-exposed to childhood trauma again. It's took ptsd to "whole new level." I highly regret, and it has destroyed my life. Total mindf*k. I was never on any medicine before him coming back into my life.

Some people don't deserve children. Everyone's situation is different.

Please protect yourself and your mind. You have been through enough.

 

[illusionist]

We don't know that this has been suggested by him...Maybe it is mother who is insisting to both Stenni and him that that's where he is sleeping on his visit.

Whatever the case may be Stenni....at the end of the day, you really do have a choice in who sleeps under your roof and who is allowed in your space.

This really isn't worth the risk to your mental health.

 

[Sandstone]

For him not to choose to stay elsewhere, says to me he wants to be closer to you.

No, it almost certainly says that my mother has told him to stay here. She has control.

The fact that he (if I understood correctly) asked to stay in your place through your mother and not directly to you is already weird enough.

I would imagine that she has told him to come, then gone back to him and told him he is staying here. I think it will be to do with her giving up driving - she recently claimed to me that her car had been hit in a car park, but the damage wasn't consistent with that. I expect she wants him to do something related to it. In my ideal world she has decided it is too isolated to live here and has got him here to tell me so. But it's more likely he is to tell me I have to start driving again and take her out.

It's not so unreasonable as you all seem to think, it was the agreement. We built her two bedrooms, but she uses one as a craft room as he is her only visitor, and for years, before my symptoms came out he stayed here.

The bit none of you get is that I DON"T HAVE A CHOICE. He is coming, and the best I can do is either not be here or be unconscious.

 

[Friday]

The bit none of you get is that I DON"T HAVE A CHOICE

The choice is to stand up to your mother.

That you are choosing not to do that is fair. But the choice exists.

Standing up to your mother will have consequences.
Not standing up to your mother has consequences.

That you're chosen what you believe to be the better of 2 evils? Changes things a bit. Because you've already made your decision to allow him to come. You're not willing to change your mind. You've made your decision, and that's final come hell or high water. Again. Totally fair. It's your decision to make. & Yeah. At that point the question becomes do you stay or go? I'd recommend going to a hotel.

 

[Sandstone]

No it doesn't exist. In particular it doesn't now exist, as he will be here this morning and my focus is now on how to get to the bus stop without risking seeing him.

It's an hour across the fields to the next village, and if I go that way there is only a four house stretch where he might be walking from the bus. I can wait there for the bus without any chance of seeing him, then spend the day mooching round the town where therapy happens. Take the pills with me, so I can have that option.

 

[Friday]

Good proactive planning for the now :)

To be very clear, I'm not telling you to do it, but just to keep in the back of your mind: It doesn't matter if he's been in your home 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, or is leaving in 5 seconds. You have the right to throw him out of your house at any point. At any point you can tell him to get out. At any point you can tell him, her, or anyone No.

I've run before. I totally get that choice. And it's a powerful one, in and of itself: I do not have to stay. I can leave. I do not have to stay anywhere, with anyone, that I do not choose to unless I am chained there. I can stand up and walk out. There is power in that.

<grin> So you have 2 very good options in the now, and there is power in both choices.

 

[digger]

Sometimes the choices we have don't feel like choices at all. Rock and hard place. Devil and the deep blue sea. They are still choices though.

I understand that, now, with this situation, the arrangements have been made, he is coming.

Please hold the option that you can leave in your head, and maybe have that discussion with your husband and get an agreement that if you say to him - this is too much for me, I need to leave now, please take me to a hotel - that will be what happens.

It's probably too much to think about now. But after this visit is over. This is an opportunity for you to start putting new boundaries in place with your mother so that this situation doesn't arise again, and you are not choosing putting yourself at risk over placating your mother. Please don't think I don't understand how hard that is, I have 'that kind of mother' too, and putting and keeping boundaries in place with her is incredibly difficult and stressful. And having her living in such close proximity makes that harder too. But it can be done. Your safety needs to start being a priority here.

In future perhaps, if she wants to invite people to stay, you get a foldaway bed that can be put up in her annex somewhere?