Never Thought Of Myself As Abused

[Cryptantha]

I thought it was normal for a 6-year-old to bring her Dad's meds with her to school so he wouldn't kill himself while she learned. I thought it was normal to have 8 hour time-outs with no moving and blank wall at age 8. I thought hitting was just "bullying" and not abuse, no matter how hard it was. If abusers treat it as normal, we process it that way.

 

[AnnaLost]

I have two very close friends, one who grew up in the same cult as I did (and is now out as well) and one who did not. The one who did not grow up as we did told me one day that what I went though was the kind of abuse movies are written about. I was floored. I never thought of what I went through as "abusive", it was just...normal. When I try and talk to my other friend, the one who grew up as I did, she refuses to even acknowledge that it was anything more than "different".

I can't really blame her. She's found something akin to a normal life now and is terrified of mucking that up. Unfortunately, my sh*t doesn't appear to want to leave me alone. I have no choice but to deal with it, but it's taken a lot of work to even come to grips with that it was wrong, abusive, and damaging. I still have things I sometimes tell my T that I think are funny or odd, and then she gets this horrified look on her face and I feel awkward, like "Oh, that wasn't the correct response to that event, huh? Oops."

 

[StarChild]

I spoke about how I was grounded for years at a time by my mother.

Hi @shimmerz, could you please help me to better understand this statement? I don't get it's meaning...

mother told me she was doing it because she 'loved' me

What does this refer to? Did she abuse you? If yes, was it more based on bodily violence, or punishments of any kind? Sorry for all these questions, but I try to understand what point you're making.

 

[shimmerz]

I was in counseling and I spoke about how I was grounded for years at a time by my mother. Like - years.

could you please help me to better understand this statement? I don't get it's meaning...

Hi TreeHugger. Of course. My apologies. I will attempt to clarify. I won't go into the whole story. No, she was not normally physically abusive. She was emotionally stone cold and seemed to get a thrill out of torturing me mentally.
Grounding means, in this context, that I was unable to leave the house. From the age of approximately 13 to 17 (when I finally left home) I was allowed to go to school and come home right after school (oh, and go to church with the family). That is all. No socializing, unless I ran away from home (which I did). No normal teen things. Just school.

So grounding is when a parent puts a child under house arrest basically. I hope this helps.... and I hope you are well.

 

[Chava]

I though grounding was house arrest (probably because a friend was grounded all the time like this, and her parents were sort of shitty...she got grounded for the dumbest things). I was never grounded because my parents had no consistency. Just more like "get the f*ck out of the way". I grounded myself in my bedroom when I was supposed to meet with a friend but was too embarrassed about welts on my face. I felt gross and ashamed. But I could have left and nobody would have noticed at that point.

I ran away too at one point. Did you end up back with your family after that? Did the boundaries get worse or better? Running away seemed to help my parents know I had my own personal boundaries and since they couldn't exist in that house I had to bust out. It opened their eyes sort of ...but really I never meant to return. I just ended up broke and too young and clueless to actually know what to do.

 

[shimmerz]

I though grounding was house arrest

Great catch @Chava! I was totally minimizing. Still. Thank you for that. I guess it isn't like 'oh, I get it now, I was abused'. It is a process.

Yes, @TreeHugger, I was put under house arrest for 4 years. Even when I decided to quit school, not go to university, which I so badly wanted to do. And after I made these decisions, I lived at home for a bit. Even then my mother wanted me home right after work and wouldn't allow me to socialize. And everyone in my family turned a blind eye or told me that I deserved it. When my father had his first heart attack, I was blamed for 'causing so much stress in the family.' I still feel like I killed him. Haven't dealt with that one yet. I still have quite a bit of work to do on this period of my life.

So yes, Chava, I did run away from home eventually, but only when it got so ridiculously clear that that was my only option. After that my mother used my father's heart attacks as a means of controlling me .... that it was because of my behaviour that he was ill. It was then that I decided to leave -- so I wouldn't kill him.

 

[Chava]

.... that it was because of my behaviour that he was ill. It was then that I decided to leave -- so I wouldn't kill him.

Yeah, I was also sick of being the one to wreck their lives. They'd be problem-free without me, right? My self-destructive behaviors didn't cause any alarm or care but just anger and embarrassment. I couldn't tolerate that, or the other stuff. I wanted to be free and figured nobody would miss me but would be better off. I think it's a smart alternative to suicide. It's the flee instinct in action. Ultimately I'm glad I went back and finished high school, but adding in assault outside of the home I did end up suicidal and feeling trapped by my need to follow through on an education. I think I could have run and run and never been free at that point. Just needed real therapy but didn't find it for a long time.

 

[shimmerz]

I think I could have run and run and never been free at that point.

I think that is how I still live. I wish I had known earlier than 35 years later that my family dysfunction wasn't all my fault. I have gone all these years thinking my father died because of me.

 

[Chava]

Along with recovering from anorexia, I believe buying a house and trying to settle might have triggered some of my chronic pain many years ago. In my head, there was no longer a quick and easy "out" the moment I get freaked out (I'm in the sticks, not a location where properties sell quickly). Weird.

Exercise helps me though, when I'm not in too much pain or sick (fight and also fight energy...vary the exercise a bit to help with whichever kind of energy I need to release)....so the energy is always there but I'm continually trying to allow yet organize it so I'm not make totally sick in my body by it.

 

[shimmerz]

What is the difference in exercise between fight and flight, can you expand on this?

 

[shimmerz]

They'd be problem-free without me, right?

I am certain I still carry a ton of this thought pattern around with me. I am the problem, and I will kill people if I don't leave. Fudged thinking, but mine, just the same. Thanks for all of this @Chava. Looks like I have a bit of diary work to do on this..... Interesting that I used my mother as an example in this posting.

 

[Chava]

What is the difference in exercise between fight and flight, can you expand on this?

Flight: get out of the house and move (walking, biking, running) or indoor something like it (step machine, lots of movement)
Fight: usually slower but focused, heavy resistance, pushing (pushing against furniture, my car, using resistance bands or other resistance props). Exercise involving kicking motions or pushing back and forth with legs seems to be a little of both...