infoonptsd
New Here
I hope this is not completely crazy, but I have read so many posts about the horrible thoughts about having to disclose trauma details to your t. I am dealing with almost the opposite.
I have several 'issues' that I am aware of from an emotionally/verbally abusive step-father to an adult that I trusted in HighSchool as a maternal figure that later showed she had other ideas for the relationship... and then what is daily becoming more of a certainty that I have repressed very early abuse (I have always had terrors but am not hearing his and my voice in my head and it isn't pleasant exchange of words)... I have NEVER told details of ANY of this stuff. I have mentioned to two people that "something" happened with this person I trusted and that was the extent. I am plagued by images, short video in my mind of the ones I remember and now these voices of what I suspect.
I am working with a t and have found that I can not tell him ANYTHING if he doesn't ask directly. I have told him this and he is good at trying to ask me questions. The problem is, I also can not tell him what to ask. I know it may sound completely crazy, but it is like I am not allowed to just freely tell things but I am allowed to answer honestly. He has gone back and forth about 'processing' trauma and then I think I am so quiet about things going on that he doesn't think they are and starts to think we need to go another direction. I get so upset when I hear him talk about not addressing the trauma specifically and get very depressed and want to give up hope about ever getting relief. It is like I KNOW I have to get these details out but I can't tell him that. I think he is also worried I can't handle dealing with the trauma directly because of my panic attacks, but I don't know how to change any of this. He talks about trying to do it with as little detail and trauma as possible and I have read about all these new methods to deal with PTSD without detailed processing, but I want it so bad.
Does this make sense to ANYONE? I know I would be HIGHLY embaressed to say the things I would have to and I hope it isn't something sick making me want to... but I am so worried we will spend years tiptoeing around the details because he thinks I am scared and I am desperately wanting to spill the beans. I wish I could tell him this, but it isn't allowed.
I have several 'issues' that I am aware of from an emotionally/verbally abusive step-father to an adult that I trusted in HighSchool as a maternal figure that later showed she had other ideas for the relationship... and then what is daily becoming more of a certainty that I have repressed very early abuse (I have always had terrors but am not hearing his and my voice in my head and it isn't pleasant exchange of words)... I have NEVER told details of ANY of this stuff. I have mentioned to two people that "something" happened with this person I trusted and that was the extent. I am plagued by images, short video in my mind of the ones I remember and now these voices of what I suspect.
I am working with a t and have found that I can not tell him ANYTHING if he doesn't ask directly. I have told him this and he is good at trying to ask me questions. The problem is, I also can not tell him what to ask. I know it may sound completely crazy, but it is like I am not allowed to just freely tell things but I am allowed to answer honestly. He has gone back and forth about 'processing' trauma and then I think I am so quiet about things going on that he doesn't think they are and starts to think we need to go another direction. I get so upset when I hear him talk about not addressing the trauma specifically and get very depressed and want to give up hope about ever getting relief. It is like I KNOW I have to get these details out but I can't tell him that. I think he is also worried I can't handle dealing with the trauma directly because of my panic attacks, but I don't know how to change any of this. He talks about trying to do it with as little detail and trauma as possible and I have read about all these new methods to deal with PTSD without detailed processing, but I want it so bad.
Does this make sense to ANYONE? I know I would be HIGHLY embaressed to say the things I would have to and I hope it isn't something sick making me want to... but I am so worried we will spend years tiptoeing around the details because he thinks I am scared and I am desperately wanting to spill the beans. I wish I could tell him this, but it isn't allowed.