I Just Need To Admit This (long Post)

[nay.elizabeth]

SOMEWHERE. For obvious reasons, I can't tell friends, family or my boyfriend. I can't put this on them but keeping it to myself is unbearable.

November 19th, I lost my job. For something so stupid but I think they wanted to get rid of me and they found a reason.(I said "hell" in the classroom.) No priors on me, no warning. just told they can't have me there any longer. It wasn't threatening, it wasn't directed AT a child, I simply said the word and out I go.

Anyway, I've been job searching ever since. They denied me unemployment because I went against policy. I'm running out of money. I've had three interviews so far, had to turn down two of them. One of them was a dream job but I can't work with kids anymore. My last job broke my spirit and my heart. It was a big pay raise, benefits I need, HUGE sign-on bonus but I can't. My PTSD has been flaring REALLY BAD and I don't think I can handle all the stress.

Last night, and a night last week, I had an hours-long panic attack. I couldn't stop crying, shaking, hating myself, I was stirring, restless, every time I moved I'd cry and collapse. Last week I emptied out my medicine cabinet and laid the bottles on the floor. I didn't do anything, just stared at them. I feel alone, broken, just really, really sad. I lost everything. All night last night I kept thinking of how what happened to me changed me and I didn't even get a say in it. It just changed me, I'm broken, gross, worthless. And now I have no job, no income.

Thinking about starting something new. I really want this job but it's going to be mundane and mind numbing. I keep telling myself because of my severe anxiety, PTSD and high stress, I need something simple, basic, blah, easy going. I don't have it 100% but I was told it's 99.9% sure, I just need to do one more interview and test into the job. I'm starting school this Spring and they offer a lot of flexibility.

All of this on my mind, plus being at home without people to interact with, plus this time of year, it's been a disaster. I can't...come out of this. I was scared last night. Legitimately. If this job doesn't work out, I don't know what I'm going to do.

I guess it's true that untreated symptoms DO get worse with time. I just wish it would fade out. I want to be normal again, I want to be happy, I want to be able to function. I want to want to live. It's hard to keep fighting lately, it's exhausting, I don't want it anymore.

 

[Friday]

I guess it's true that untreated symptoms DO get worse with time. I just wish it would fade out. I want to be normal again, I want to be happy, I want to be able to function. I want to want to live. It's hard to keep fighting lately, it's exhausting, I don't want it anymore.

Sounds like you didn't want to believe that. Hold this in your heart : You may not believe right now that things get better, either. They do. It will get better. Things you don't believe will happen, do happen. Not just the dark. Also the light. Happy again. Functional again. Wanting to live again.

Something that chaps my ass, but has stood me in good stead:

"Never make a promise when you're happy, never reply when you're angry, and never make a decision when you're sad."

 

[Sandstone]

For obvious reasons, I can't tell friends, family or my boyfriend

Can you tell me more about those reasons?

 

[Cavegirl]

It is scary when the only way out seems to be leaving the earth. I try to remember to tell myself that things are temporary. Suicide is permanent. Don't solve a temporary problem with something permanent. It's hard. Good luck on the job. Hugs to you if it's ok.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

Can you tell me more about those reasons?

Because I just can't tell them I've debated suicide. What would they do with that? They can't do anything other than hug me and feed the cliché lines. It would crush them, make them worry. They don't need that.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

Sounds like you didn't want to believe that. Hold this in your heart : You may not believe right now...

When my gynecologist told me to get myself treated immediately, even though I didn't have symptoms of a problem, I did the typical, "Sure, sure." thinking I could handle it myself. But, alas, she was right and I was wrong. No, I did NOT want to believe things would get worse instead of better. Time usually makes things better, right? How could time make things worse? Pfff....joke is on me.

Those are very good quotes...very good lessons in those. I know things are temporary, I know things will eventually pass and come around. It's just frightening when, at the moment, I can't see it. I have tunnel vision, I can only see the negative in things, the only outcome is to disappear.

I don't like it. I work so damn hard every single day to push through and fight but most days I'm too tired. I'm too tired of fighting something that I had no say in creating. It isn't fair to be left with this burden. Depression, PTSD, PMDD. It's me, all me, and I didn't sign up for a damn part of it. It affects how I think, function, live, my relationship. We deserve to have full control of ourselves...

 

[joeylittle]

We deserve to have full control of ourselves...

This is going to sound really lame, and I absolutely don't mean it to be minimizing in any way.

Have you ever tried using a light box?

When you mentioned the time of year, I'm not sure if you meant the winter or the holidays - but I realized, either way, these things coincide with the shorter days and longer nights. A lightbox isn't going to fix everything, but it might contribute in a small way towards giving you some relief.

Thinking of you.

 

[Sandstone]

Because I just can't tell them I've debated suicide. What would they do with that?

My husband was ill some years ago. I had no idea he was contemplating suicide till a nurse asked him in front of me. Yes, it was shock, but I was glad to know, to be able to offer him support. They are your friends and boyfriend BECAUSE THEY CARE.

I'm speaking partly to myself here, because my instinct is to keep it to myself, but we have to recognise that that the PTSD speaking, it's the desire to isolate that isn't a part of who we truly are

 

[nay.elizabeth]

Last night as I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, somewhere in the conversation he mentioned he once tried to kill himself. We were talking about pills or something and Benadryl and I mentioned I read an article about people trying to die from Benadryl. Anyway, he said he tried killing himself with Benadryl and alcohol. His mom found him and made him go to counseling. I asked him what brought that on and he said, "I don't know. Over some girl I guess." (He made some past mistakes with women and still holds onto the guilt. I've been supportive and reminding him we all make mistakes but he's not that man anymore)

I almost told him. I was so close to just telling him but I couldn't. I listened to his story and kissed him. I don't even know how to bring it up, to tell him of where I'm at mentally. Yes, he can be supportive, but what ACTUAL good would it do? I don't like being in this place. I need to work again, I want to work again, but I'm scared that whatever job I'm in, my head will screw it up. I can't escape my head, I can't escape it all and it's draining. It's hard to keep going.

 

[seedling]

.joke is on me.

haha, and here I thought it was on me lol

I used to think this all the time when I was worse. That it was some huge cosmic joke and it was on me.

I just got a new job after leaving my last toxic situation. It was so tough to do the job search stuff. To hope and hope etc. And not know why they didn't call me. I feel like I'm just barely recovered enough to make it through it. I did it. It was "the worst thing" going through it.

Good for you being close to having another job again. Try not to let the present fear overwhelm the future too. The day you show up to be shown the new job (whatever it is) you will be in a different frame of mind. Let yourself flow with it when you can and pick up the pieces one small piece at a time.

Hearing your boyfriend's story may have left a little door open inside you to be able to say more down the line. It's OK that you can't bring it up now when it's so fresh. It was a lot like that for me with my husband. It took a lot of work in therapy for me until I could say more. It's a symptom that's still with me, just not so strong.

You can make a suicide prevention plan as soon as you can deal with it. Write down some things you can do for yourself when you feel that way, who you can contact, keep it somewhere easy to get at if you need it. Just because you can't tell those closest to you doesn't mean you can't get help when you need it.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

I love that he's starting to be more open with me, about anything. He seemed ashamed of what he had done but I told him many people have gone down that path. That he is definitely not alone. I didn't make a big deal of it because I know he wouldn't want me to.

I remember even as a kid wanting to know what it would be like to die. I often cried for no reason, felt alone and isolated even though I was in sports, had great friends, had a lot to do throughout the year. I'd wake up in the middle of the night just feeling so SAD and would cry uncontrollably. When I was no older than 7, I wrapped a jump rope around my neck several times and went to bed. I even tried to knot it to be SURE it was there for good. It seems so ridiculous and funny NOW but at the time, I just remember I simply didn't want to wake up.

I've always been depressed and such. But now PTSD, and changes in life, and commitment...it's all just so much. I appreciate this forum because people are supportive and often share very similar situations. While it's wonderful to not be alone, it's also disheartening that this many people are in the same boat. I got a new job, I start the end of next week. I am hopeful I can push through it.

I know my boyfriend would NEVER judge me for where I'm at and what I go through. I just don't want to scare him or have him think he has to worry. I mean, it's not an easy thing to hear.

 

[VioletButterfly]

So much wisdom and support have already been offered. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to much of what you've written and stand beside you in fighting through this process - the tides that roll in and out, the emotions - all of it is so exhausting.

Also, I have been in and out of employment since I was laid off back in 2009. I absolutely get the stress and emotional toll that takes on us in those situations. I wish you good luck with your job. I'm glad they're going to be supportive of your going back to school. :)

One word of advice, do, when you can, share with your boyfriend what you have going on. It seems, from what you've written, that you know him very well and that he would not judge you, can relate on some level, and would be supportive. I wish I had shared what was going on with me when all of this started. I walked away from a 16 year relationship because I didn't know how to, didn't even really know what was going on. Yes, it was abusive, but I think we both were sorting out our childhoods. I wish we could've worked on healing together. That's a closed door now. So, for you, your relationship is something to be grateful for - your boyfriend is both there with you and for you. Best of luck. VB