What Are You Angry About?

[Mercy]

I'm angry at myself for disassociating into a blanky holding, thumb sucking six yr. old on Saturday night. I had been having a hard time for days but I have never ever let my kids see any of what the PTSD has done to me, ever. I feel so ashamed.:poke:

I am angry that my husband doesn't monitor his mouth at times. I have said to him many times that you can't shame, guilt or threaten anyone to get you own way. The next day, he used the words 'turn up the screws' in order to get what he wanted our daughter to do. He knows I've been tortured. What he F***!:wall:I blew up and ran away.

 

[goingonhope]

I have said to him many times that you can't shame, guilt or threaten anyone to get you own way.

I went looking for this thread to write what I'm angry about and then I read what you wrote Mercy. Me too; Exactly!

I agree with you, and have felt a great deal of anger when and if my husband pulls this bullsh't on my kids. I've come a good distance and can now avoid the conflict and arguement, that I've seen him try to pull me into. I do however, still end up feeling low, and very sad for my kids though, but I must bight my tongue sometimes, while other times remarking something insightful, and then scooting away quickly before he pulls me into his excuses and why it's permissable.

I've found this is the only way I yet know how to deal with it, bc if I point it out to him each and every time he pulls this crap, matters are made worse for my children. They don't need to see us arguing and I don't know yet how to discuss much of anything with anyone who is for that time being, being rigid, closed-minded and set in their way of thinking, while others well-being rests in their hands. In fact, even speaking reasonably with one whom is being unreasonable, I've found is a trigger and drives me absolutely nuts.

This is not meant to be a put-down to my husband, as nobody is perfect. There is no doubt in my mind my husband's a Good man, he simply has his struggles and issues too.

 

[goingonhope]

I am angry and feel entirely too disgusted with socio-pathic derangement, hatefully delusional and cruel and viscious hatefulness, prejudice and violence!

I am very, very angry with all of the above which I mentioned here.

 

[Nicolette]

On a lighter note....I'm angry about having to go to work today when I feel like sitting around in my pyjamas and watching movies :rofl:

 

[cragger65]

I'm sorry your weekend didn't go well, Mercy. I hope things are smoothing out a bit for you.

 

[Cindy]

I'm angry at experiencing symptoms and not having CONTROL! I am irrationally PO'd. And of course - I take it out on myself. That little chatter box inside just doesn't give it a break. I am overtired and physically torn between the migraine and the nausea.

 

[Yumeko-chan]

I'm angry that I can't seem to find the trigger for my newer panic attacks.

I'm angry that I'm still paranoid that my ex/molester, who left six years ago, is still going to appear out of nowhere and then those years that I've had since he left will vanish in an instant.

On that note, I'm also angry that I lost three years of my life to him, years that I should have been dealing with the fallout of the shooting, not trying to dodge him.

I'm angry that I still have no self-esteem.

 

[sallysellsseashells]

I'm angry that my boyfriend didn't have the guts to tell me what the problems were before breaking up with me. I'm angry tha the moved in with me after that. I'm angry that he thinks he can't tell me what's wrong or I'll explode. I'm angry that all the things he's been keeing to himself, and the way I feel about it - and the day he came and guttlessly moved out without a word, he had ealier been trying to get close to me! I felt secure for two whole days, and he ripped that away from me, WITH two of our mutual friends. He told me that my problems are small, and he has never experienced anything remotely like what I have, nor does he 'suffer' PTSD! I did explode in the end, as most of his things were being hauled away. I didn't hit him or punch him. I had immagery of throwing his friends (before he spoke with them, they were our friends) down the stairs, but I did not act on it. I was chaking, for the first time in ages from fear, anger, hurt, and just plain not understanding what was going on. I'm angry that this could have been avoided, but he didn't want to talk. Yet I asked why, and his friends stated that I not only don't give him a chance, but I don't listen, and I spend ALL my time with him. ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This is completely not true, or where would I find the time to make art for them, to write to my friends, to work on my projects, to study, to eat alone, to...

bloody do all the things that I do!

I'm enraged that it could not be discussed.

I believe that he misinterpreted something I had said weeks earlier. I had said that sometimes I have no compassion for other peoples' problems (I don't feel for them), if their problems are small (e.g. spilt milk, bad hair, broken nails, crying over someone not likeing them, crying over bullying, it's not as bad as rape and torture, I can't feel for these people - and though I hate that about myself, that I can't be "warm" and "womanly" to the extreme, I still have sympathised with such people (lied of course).

He must have mistook me for meaning something like: everybody-elses' problems are smaller than my own, mine are bigger and more important.

I admitt, mine are more important to me, because I have to be in controll, i have to make actions to heal, I have to pay for any help I get...

And no, I don't think EVERYBODYS' problems are smaller than my own, but I have noticed that where I live, there are a lot of priveledged people, who have supportive families, who have supportive relationships, who are coping with their present situations very well, who are often given a lot of freedom, and here I am in my own little hell... forced in by the flashbacks.

And it pisses me off that I have to have flashbacks in order to heal!

And it pisses me off that supressing them makes them come back worse!

And it really angers me that through all this, and with all these bad feelings, I have acted in kindness towards my partner, I have allowed myself to trust him (AND HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME) And he told me I lie to him (GOD IF I DO - I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I'VE SAID AND CAN'T BE CALLED UPON TO ANSWER THAT ALL THE TIME, BUT I ALWAYS ANSWER IN THE PRESENT AS HONESTLY AS CAN, BUT WITH HIM, IN FULL HONESTY BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...

And it really hurts that he can't see that through the symptoms...

It really hurts me that he now thinks I'm a liar, when he said in the beginning he would never think that of me. Doesn't that make him a liar?

And yet, I don't think he is lying. I think he is forgetting himself...

i think he doesn't know who he is...

and he's not very mature.

and I'm really tired right now, so I'm going to sleep.


......................................................................................................................

The bottom line is I'm angry at the people who forced me into my won head who made it almost impossible to give or recieve affection for all of my life, and I see this year as me NEW life, and I have finally learnt how to give and recieve love and affection, and I'm willing and I let it happen...

but there are boundaries.

i won't let closeness keep happening outside of the relationship.

But if he ever wants to be in a relationship with me again, he needs to PROMISE ME that he's not going to forget himself, and he's not going to merge me with the Disorder, and that he knows I'm not lying and trusts me and appreciates the things I do for him, and that when he sais he loves me he means he's in love with me not "I want affection, and you'll do right now cz we're not dating ...

I'm sure that's not what he means... those aren't his words...

it's what his body language tells me...

and his absence of mind...

and I wonder if he's been traumatized too?

Trust. Honesty. Respect. these lead to love.

I wasn't sure if I was in love with him fully at the begining.

I was sure by the end.

It really hurts.

He said he loves me as he was leaving...

WHY?

It's very cruel...

he hasn't spoken to me except when he came to get his t.v. (which I reminded him about via text, and he so didn't want to see me that he decided to give it to me, but I refused and he came and got it...

and he said, "thankyou" like I was a service clerk????

WTF???

I wasn't doing him a service!

I think maybe in being peaceful I was "being good" and he wanted to "reinforce" it with pavlovian bullshit, and I'm just not receptive to that... I see it a mile off.

I wish he'd treat me like his girlfriend, not his patient (but when we're going out, when we're not in a relationship, I wish he'd treat me like a friend instead of patient).

(just to be accurate, he's not some sort of medical health proffessional, he's a 19, well today: 20 year old).

I'm angry that I'm older than him.

I don't know why.

Maybe I feel like...

I stole him from a schoolyeard or something...

except he seems intelligent and mature in every way...

except something I can't put my finger on...

Maybe he's not mature in love?

I don't know.

It's over now.

He had to do this while I was in the middle of a flashback!

AAAAAARGHT!!!!

[THAT'S ME SCREAMING IN MY HEAD, BECAUSE I CAN'T SCREAM BECAUSE HIS FRIENDS LIVE DOWNSTAIRS AND WILL REPORT MY DEMON-POSSESSED-NESS TO HIM LIKE I'M SOME EVIL WICKED PERSON... TO REINFORCE THAT HE'S RIGHT AND I'M EVIL... AND THEREFORE ALSO WRONG).


This is a very painful time for me, in that... I don't feel anything but confused and angry...

but then hope...

then dispair...

then hope...

then dispair...
kind of like the relationship...

until i fully trusted him...

and it was hope, hope, hope, love, love love

and now....

nothing.

emptiness.

gone.

and i kinda wanted to be literally dead...

but i don't want to waste my tallents knowing there are people in the world who could bennefit from them...

if only i could reccover...

if only i had REAL support...

and if only i wasn't branded as "dysfunctional" and "demanding"

good night.

 

[mistralwind]

I'm angry when...

... people's behavior is downright selfish. Lies, laziness, hypocrisy, cruelty, gratuitous violence, holier-than-thou attitudes, living strictly for the flesh, lust and carnality and I could go on and on but at the end of the day, what makes me angry is any human behavior which betrays love of neighbor. It always leaves a very bad taste in my mouth and I find it hard to bite my tongue so I keep my distance from a lot of people.

 

[cragger65]

I'm angry at still feeling the "little brother", to an older brother who could not possibly BE more moronic and small-minded. I feel like saying to him, "You already own the title for "Smallest Mind On The Planet", do you have to EARN the title every single time you open your damn mouth?!!

And yet, when he gives his usual sour, disapproving look, I still feel... I don't know... "chastised" maybe, afraid of his disapproval and opinion. Even though I know he's a moron, it still affects me. Why? Why does this still plague me?

 

[ShouldHaveStayed]

Im angry that Im in court with my perp.
Im angry that he can continue his abuse in the courts..and through my children.
Im angry that Medicaid dumped my children because of a missing form - that contained the same info as 500 other forms - causing my daughters surgery to be put off for prob 2 or 3 months!
Im angry that my husband doesnt understand me and that he has changed.
Im angry that Im not allowed to be angry
Im angry because this will never go away and the man who caused it lives life like he did NOTHING.
Im angry because he raped me twice causing many injuries and broken bones (caved in my ribs) and he will NEVER pay for what he did!!!
Im angry that I wasnt able to report it sooner!
Im angry because he pretends to be something he is not.
Im angry because his girlfriend has joined in on his twisted activities and uses my children to try and hurt me.
IM ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!