Relationship Sex With Combat Veteran?

[Amy Oliver]

Hi...

I am having such a difficult time figuring things out with my boyfriend. He is a combat veteran who did 20 years in the Marine Corps. He last saw combat at least four years ago. When we started dating about 18 months ago he seemed fine: happy, carefree, sexual, loving. He retired from the Marines on Dec 31, 2014. He then started the process of disability paperwork for his back, etc. They diagnosed him with PTSD, though I wasn't entirely sure he had it at all. I felt that he most certainly had issues and then things just got progressively worse.

We stopped having sex in April. Then he dumped me in September and changed his mind the next day saying that he didn't want to be hasty and that he was just stressed out. We had sex twice that week. And haven't had sex since.

I'm frustrated because he regularly requests blow jobs so it is definitely not an issue of whether or not he can get it up or keep it hard. He most certainly can do both of those things. He can get excited (enough to damn near choke me) and he can certainly cum. A few weeks ago I was beyond frustrated and told him when he requested a blow job that I didn't feel like it. And when he begged and poked at me I looked him in the face and said, "Maybe when there's a little give and take. Because frankly, I don't feel desired or desirable right now and until I do you're not getting a blow job." So of course the next time he wanted one, he made sure to mess with me just enough to get what he wanted.

But he still ignores me every time I try to get busy with him. He seems to have no problem talking dirty to other women online, and frankly I've given up on caring about that because he's not ever going to stop and if that makes him feel like a big man then I guess he can have his little online flings as long as they never become the real deal. I tried stopping it in the past and it just made things worse and stressed him out more and caused our relationship loads of trauma.

Yes, I get it. There's to more to relationships than sex. But I'm 30. Barely. Before all this happened, we were talking about getting married and having a baby. We were looking at houses together.We were a united front. I'm not okay living in a sexless relationship where my boyfriend won't even tell me I'm pretty. He has even refused to say, "I love you" to me anymore and gets mad when I say it to him.

I asked him if we could go talk to someone together. He got angry and didn't speak to me for days. I asked if I could communicate with his therapist and he got angry and didn't speak to me for days. I found out who his therapist was anyway (by accident, honestly) and called and left her a message. He found out and screamed at me so loud and so close to my face that I was actually terrified for my safety...so I didn't speak to him for days.

My heart is breaking. Everyone says not to take it personally. HOW?! How can you not take sex and physical affection personally? Being rejected every time I want a kiss or to cuddle or to make love is VERY personal. Feeling like if I want to keep the peace in my relationship I must go without physical affection is EXTREMELY personal. Waking up feeling ugly and resented and unwanted because this person who once couldn't get enough of me can't get away from me and to the privacy of his bathroom with his cell phone fast enough is more personal than I can bear most days.

Physical affection IS important to a healthy relationship. Physical intimacy is a cornerstone of intimate adult relationships. We can't pretend like it isn't important and like without it everything will just be fine. Without it, we are missing a critical component of this relationship. Sex is a stress-reliever, it is a bonding agent and connective tool...it is just physical, but also mental and emotional. And yes, that makes it hard for the PTSD sufferer, but a lack of it is difficult and painful for the supporter, especially when we are constantly rejected.

I want to be real here. My combat veteran rejects me for sex or physical affection. I get sad. I feel ugly. I get angry. I feel stupid. And then...I hate him. I resent him. I lose a little faith in him. I lose a little trust in him. I eye other women more suspiciously. I eye other men more lustfully. Every time he rejects me our relationship suffers a little more and is a little more damaged. He may eventually come around but our relationship will never be the same. I will never love him or trust him the way I did before he started rejecting me. And I think if supporters were really all honest, that we'd all agree that we have these thoughts and feelings.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a loss and I feel lost. I feel like ending it but I know that's not what I want. I feel like cheating but I know I never could do that. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying for hours or days...and so because no one is there to stop me, I do.

He rejected me again tonight. Yelled in my face because I put my hands on his thighs. So here I am, writing this...and crying. By myself. In his room. And he doesn't even care. He's out in the living room, drinking a scotch and screwing around. He knows I am in here. He knows I am sad. He knows that he hurt me.

I heard someone say once that when your man is suffering from combat PTSD you should be his personal porn star. Kind of difficult when he doesn't want anything to do with you. He'd rather be burned alive than have sex with me or even hold me. I've tried everything...lingerie, sexy videos, sexy texts, sexy talk, an offer to go away for the weekend, the offer of an erotic massage...I've even been working out and lost 30 pounds to make myself more attractive. He still doesn't want me.

Maybe he is screwing someone else. At least then I'd know it's not me.

 

[Friday]

There's a difference between not taking shit personally, and not taking shit.

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD or not... He is being a selfish ass. It's one thing to have intamacy issues or no sex drive, it's another issue to insist on being serviced without reciprocating and to f*ck around with other women online.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I heard someone say once that when your man is suffering from Link Removed you should be his personal porn star.

Pffffft.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... My supporter rage is subsiding. I got really pissed off for you there for a minute.

First of all, your needs are important too. Having a higher sex drive is not a crime, it's human, and it is ok.

Combat vets with PTSD can have all kinds of sexual issues. Their meds may mess with their sex drive. They may not be able to connect emotionally. They may be feeling heinous and like the least sexual being in the universe, etc. My vet has told me it's hard to be horny when you keep picturing dead insurgents everytime you close your eyes. Some act out sexually, some don't. It goes on and on. Everybody is different, and thee are probably as many issues as sufferers.

Droughts in your sex life are unfortunately a part of being a supporter sometimes, depending on how symptomatic your sufferer is.

However, if he is still sexual, but not reciprocating, I'd question his reasons.

 

[Casey_03]

I agree with everyone else here that he is clearly being selfish, but I see some major red flags in your behavior as well. Calling his therapist? Whoa, that's crossing a line. If I were him, I'd have cut off contact with you right there and never spoken to you again. Regardless of his disrespectful behavior toward you, you shouldn't have done that, it violates boundaries and, quite frankly, comes off as completely crazy. The other thing that I find alarming in your post is that line towards the end - that you should be his personal porn star. I realize these were someone else's words, and not yours, but it's telling that you took them so seriously that you are now viewing your relationship through that lens. In fact, I have to wonder if maybe you've become so obsessed with sex and what it means when he doesn't want you ... that you're missing something else going on. It's fine to use sex as an indicator, but only to a certain extent ... and it seems like you are so focused on the sex that you might be missing other signals he's sending you.

 

[Fadeaway]

I was waiting until more people replied to this, because admittedly, I was afraid to touch this one, but here it goes. I am calling bullshit on his behavior. And who ever told that you should be any man's personal porn star is B.S. I admittedly do not know very much about combat PTSD, but I do know that know women should feel the way he has made you feel for any reason, combat PTSD or not. Seriously, through the personal porn star advice out the window. If that is something you want personally, more power to you, but to say that a woman needs to be some guys personally porn star because of his disorder is degrading and disgusting in my opinion.

A physical connection is important in a relationship, but your relationship is also clearly lacking in the emotion and mental connections as well. A relationship can survive without sex if both partners are ok with that, but without respect and the mental and emotional connection, you don't really have a relationship.

@Casey_03 I may be reading too much into it, but the impression that I got, is at the end of the day, it isn't really about the sex, but about affection and connection. Many women struggle with the fact that they are taught and raised to believe sex is the only way to get a mans attention. When you are taught that sex is th only thing you are really good for, sexual rejection mean rejection of you as a person. The American culture does push this attitude quite heavily, especially through media.

There are a lot of lies that are pushed heavily in our culture, such as if a man cheats the woman gets blamed and told if she gave him more sex he wouldn't have strayed, and the fact that in movies they always show the beautiful girl getting showered with attention.Women who use other asses to get ahead can get called names like feminazi or bitch. Reality is, if a guy is a cheater, no amount of sex will suffce and most guys aren't the drooling idiots that lose their mind because they see a girl in a mini skirt we see in movies. Unfortunately, these attitudes increase the rape culture and make women feel like sex is their only asset.

 

[Neverthesame]

He seems to have no problem talking dirty to other women online,

If you have a problem with this. You do not need to put up with it.

I tried stopping it in the past and it just made things worse and stressed him out more and caused our relationship loads of trauma.

I would argue that his doing this in the first place has done quite a bit to damage the relationship. His being "stressed out" with you wanting the same attention he shows these other women, is honestly right out of the book of who gives a f*ck.

I heard someone say once that when your man is suffering from Link Removed you should be his personal porn star.

@Sweetpea76 said it quite well. Whoever told you this, is someone you probably shouldn't take advice from. At least about this topic.

 

[LuckyDuck]

From what you've said, you want sex when in a relationship. He's non-reciprocal not only with sex but with your emotions. Whomever says to not take it personally really doesn't understand what relationships are about.

Dump his ass. He's FUBAR.

 

[Ronin]

I heard someone say once that when your man is suffering from Link Removed you should be his personal porn star.

No, you should run the f*ck away fast and not look back.

Lookit that way: He managed to control himself through war zones, if he can't handle doing the same in a relationship you're working your ass off to save, his problem.

Some shit really is about people and not what they came through.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yes, the rejection sucks. I've been there too. It does make you frustrated and feel unattractive. However in a healthy PTSD relationship it isn't a reflection on you. It really isn't. That's really hard to understand when something wonderful, loving, and pleasurable is being systematically refused. It shouldn't be stressful... But it can be when your vet is symptomatic.

That being said, relationships are two way streets. There should be mutual respect. If you are putting in the effort to deal with zero sex life for long stretches of time, he can put in some effort to have some intimacy with you, even if he can't manage sexual intimacy.

How is he participating in your relationship? What benefit is there to being with him?

 

[Ronin]

I was waiting until more people replied to this, because admittedly, I was afraid to touch this one, but here it goes. I am calling bullshit on his behavior.

I think you touched it with a dose of common sense, Fade.