More Flashbacks, Body Memories And New Memories

[Venusian]

I can't post this.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

I need somewhere to talk about this and there is no where else. I haven't been posting much here in qu...

Sorry that happened to you, something went on with me when I was that age to, by my Mom's best girlfriends, boyfriend, which caused a whole explosion of other things, to happen. I know when I feel anxious, a hot shower grounds me. I was in therapy for this at 8 years old, but never done it for the adult me. So Im nervous about going over it, because as I said, when I was 8, I don't remember it happening. But my sister, is the one that told on him, the first time because he was "touching me down there" thats what my sister said. When my mom asked him, he said he was fixing the strap on my underwear.. My mom did not believe her, either because of her own molestation, or because she just didn't. But she said he used to take me a lot of places without my sister most times saying "no girls allowed". She thought it was odd, he so good with children.

But my Mom, was very self absorbed, even in her astrology, she loved breaks from us. And we were always more looked at as, things that in-convieanced her and to get time away from. When my mom's friend called one day to let her know she caught the guy cheating on her, with another man. My mom knew her instinct was right, and she was forced to confront him. All in all, he went to jail for 16 months for what he did. But it was crazy all the things that happened after that. I cannot even get into right now. Sometimes I get scared that my Mom did not tell the whole truth, and possibly did come from a cult. It is VERY wierd that she was my ONLY parent, and allegedly from her parents not believing her own molestation by her father, she disowned ALL of and it was a HUGE family. My father is African American, and she left him really early, so I have no parents on his side and no pictures, we went through all of them, and the closest one she said, is I THINK he TOOK THIS ONE OF ME? So I can imagine what he looks like holding the camera at my mom. Thats as close as you could get me Mom? And. All of this? -I thought was totally normal, having only one parent. And once I was custody of the State, I had no parent, basically.

Why was I the first out of all my friends to find out people were being abused due to ritual abuse? I'm scared to find out why I related to that story so well, all the drawings and kids. I risk my life talking about it, popularity. ect ect. I even ran this by my sister, and she said no, I mean they love duality things, and im a "duality" kid. Im half black half white. Im always using or wearing black, white colors buying black and white things, as the most comfortable for me to wear. But I understand, Im afraid they will have some new technique to make me remember what happened, that they did not have when I was 8. Was my Mom a cult kid and had alters and all kinds of stuff? I mean why would I just find, all that stuff out. It was hard to read as all my feelings were coming back, of how sad it really is to go through this stuff, it made me question my sanity, and faith in humanity, and I come to the conclusion that this stuff is from fallen angels, only something, not from this dimension, could figure out a way to do such evil.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

Not to reply to my own post but, this really JUST happened, Im looking out my window thinking about if this really did happen and the memories and ways I do things, the things I like, the colors of my dress and just basically exposing myself. If i said whats right, and I look out the window and there is a black and white colored puppy, being walked by a man, being walked next to a family with one child getting out of the SUV, and I think NOTHING of it.

Then this family, SECONDS later, gets out of the car with the child and there is a black and white helium zebra ballon being carried by the father. My brain is like woah that is a sign right there. It is signs like this : from the universe.. that make me think this did take place. My sister is my half sister, and was not around for all of my childhood so. I cannot trust her opnion, I will have to share this with my therapist. Just odd things like this happen to me, at first I thought no, that could not be, but why would I have read those reports on my friends couch during the Hurricane Sandy evacuation, and I just knew in my heart of hearts it was real and my friends could not relate, and told me that they were just made up stories. I never told them what I went through, but that I was reading that this stuff existed and why do all the kids drawings match perfectly, and all look exactly the same.

 

[Venusian]

Zenith, I am sorry that you are having to deal with new memories too.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

Yea It really sucks for both of us, and I thank you for being brave enough to post, so I would not feel so wierd about posting. It is crazy, but with my Mercury in Pisces... I think symbolically, and that your screen name is Astrological, the timing of your post, and the sign yesterday. I think its all coming together, even in the word association game thread Cashew wrote unresolved and I wrote past, so even the word association game is pointing me there! lol. Sorry I don't mean to laugh, but sometimes its the only way to cope. Hopefully I can resolve it. I did try 3 weeks ago to try and find a therapist, but today, I have to make sure I don't dissociate, and get up the courage to express myself a second time. I have gotten really good, at not doing it. Only to a few people after knowing them for years. And I guess that is also why they would find me "blurting it out" but if I never did, the person Im in a relationship with, would have never noticed. The times I WAS saying it, I got tired of not having a neatly packaged story for my past, from job interviews, to house party's and random people on the street, asking where I was from.

Every time was mostly akward, so I think that telling what happened, sometimes, was my psyches way of asking for help. I never knew what a flashback was until I saw ( when I used to watch TV.) Sara Silverman do a flashback scene for a war vet, then that's when I knew it was real. Because as I sat, and was questioned by employers of why this was missing from my work history, and that. I would have scenes playing, deep within me and feeling all alone. This is if I ever found a relationship, safe enough to expose myself in. So I would have to buck up and tackle all those memories or "flashbacks" on my own right then and there, and when I got home. Which is what I have always done. I met my current relationship, 7 years before I told them anything, so Im kinda glad. But still, I get tired of paper work on a normal day, here we go all over, seems I have always lived my life out of some file, growing in the backround, distant, swelling under the watch of some "worker". I'm just tired of it really.

 

[Venusian]

:(