A Mix Of Thoughts And Feelings About Myself, My Psychologist And My Life

[BlackbirdSinging]

You didn't do anything wrong. There is no need to apologize. Everything is ok. We're offering some support and input. This message board is a pretty safe place with a lot of good supportive people.

 

[Snowflake]

You didn't do anything wrong. There is no need to apologize. Everything is ok. We're offering s...

I am ashamed and embarrassed of my childhood and my body. I don't know how to get past that. I feel like a little girl begging for someone to love me and take care of me-I am tired of thinking of suicide daily. I am alone. I have no support system other than my psych yet sooo afraid to lose her that it keeps me silent. I feel guilty for all that I did or didn't do.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

No need to apologize. This is a safe space. Just here to give warmth, support, encouragenent.

We're hear cheering you on. If you feel badly because you shared something deep and hard and it hurts and it felt like too much, I can't say I understand your particular pain, but I know I understand when I share something that scares me.

This forum has been personally healing for me in my limited time :) everyone has been so kind anD gentle and sensitive.

You don't need to apologize for nutthin :);

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks everyone...I think I am so ashamed in myself and my behavior....

She thinks it's sexual abuse...

Go read my intro sweetie; this will tell you how much i identify with you. I needed a tv Dr to give me the words and courage but you have it in you. My intro is here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/my-story-me.58064/ (by the way, being urinated on was one of MANY punishments i had)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This forum has been personally healing for me in my limited time :) everyone has been so kind anD gentle and sensitive.

Agreed! This forum is what my therapist gave me for support and if not for it, i wouldnt of had my HUGE step foward to being a bit less stuck!

 

[Snowflake]

Go read my intro sweetie; this will tell you how much i identify with you. I needed a tv Dr t...

So sorry....So how do you do it ...survive?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am ashamed and embarrassed of my childhood and my body. I don't know how to get past that. I feel li...

God, you so sound like me that its scary. I also am embarrased, ashamed, hate myself more than anyone can and I TOO have no support system except my therapist (except i dont have his cell # and he doesnt call me and i see him once a week not twice) but my entire family doesnt believe me nor talks to me, gossips about me and judges my every step and word that gets back to them and i thought my bio dad and step mom believed me but was wrong; my only support now is my therapist and this site!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So sorry....So how do you do it ...survive?

During it or after? During it i made up "personalities" Allie was the prostitue, Brandy had the punishments, got cut inside, did the animal killing/sacrifice. I detachted from it so much that when i talk about it now (or at least before my big step 3 or so days ago) it sounded like im talking about someone else as it feels that way. When i moved out at 18; more so when i cut contact at 19, i stuffed it down as far as it could go, denied it, numbed it with drugs when it came up a bit. None good. Now, after 7 yrs of therapy and its being pulled out of my, i have MASSIVE anxiety, about 8 panic attacks a day, i have mediciation for it (as i work at a call center, tech support for internet and PCs, cant scream back at cuatomers) and i have an app i downloaded a while back called What's Up that helps me deal with the anxiety that isnt in the red zone. I also think if suicide daily and have since i was 8 and often wish id done it when my mom handed me a loaded gun at 14 begging me to kill myself. I still self carry out rituals but im getting there...and you can too :)

 

[Snowflake]

God, you so sound like me that its scary. I also am embarrased, ashamed, hate myself more tha...

I have my psych cell number but she doesn't want it to be used unless I am going to harm myself. So I don't . Instead I call her office and leave crazy messages.....full of panic and anxiety.

My father passed away about 4 years ago. My mother lives close with my sister. They have never been a support. My mother always thought I liked what was happening , deserved it or asked for it. If I avoided it I was punished with a belt, tree branch or whatever. I have been burned by a cigarette for saying no or stop and yes urinated on. I still feel, smell things I want so desperately to forget. I cannot look in mirrors, go to bed fully dressed, hate darkness and have a rough time sleeping. I want my psych to hold me and tell me it's over and it will be okay but she doesn't give hugs. So instead I hold the pillow in her office and stair at a wall and I never move and rarely cry. Why? Fear of punishment. I know I need to trust she won't hurt me but I don't know how.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh also, i can write the things i cant say; which is why i was able to type on here in other threads that my child self comes out at night and i have to, in addition with aleeping meds and anxiety med, suck my thumb to calm the fear enough to sleep; and its a habitual thing i never stopped doing. I read outloud the threads i start on hear to my therapist but if you cant, type it or write it down and let her read it. Include your fears about her abandening you, etc, that way not only will she know and be able to put your mind at rest by me telling my therapist the thoughts i have is how ive been diagnosied with most if not all i have been diagnosed with. Borderlines have a huge fear of abandenment, not saying you have BPD, just advising writing and letting her read it might be an easier way, it is for me

 

[Snowflake]

During it or after? During it i made up "personalities" Allie was the prostitue, Brandy had t...

Yep we named my parts. My family used the gun as a threat....shooting my pets or putting a gun to me or a knife to my neck or between my legs. I eventually just learn to lay there and take it all.

Do you ever feel like your lying about your childhood or exaggerated ?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have my psych cell number but she doesn't want it to be used unless I am going to harm myself. So I...

Write it down and let her read it, ler her read what you just wrote. Though therapists dont get hugs, theres a boundry there, she can help in other ways. I also star at a wall, more th table that sides between the two chairs, i also hug a pillow on his couch and still wish i had his cell # for suicide thoughts to even text but dont. But write it down and let her read it, its easier for me.