Childhood Early Attachment Problems

[Deleted member 20978]

@lostforgottensoul I only just saw your response. Had not meant anything. You did misread me. You did nothing wrong.

Bowing out

 

[Mit]

But the earliest attachment to that primary caregiver is not a cognitive thing at all. It's purely built into our basic development at a neurological or neuro-affective level.

It's quite a disturbing thought, I'm beginning to wish I used some of my therapy time to explore this. I know this thread is about attachment issues, not particularly adoption, but I wondered if anyone has read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. I'm thinking about buying it, perhaps it would also be helpful to anyone who has experienced abandonment and not just adoptees. I'll get it and let you know if it might be of interest.

I can't imagine trying to explain to a child why they were given up to begin with

Me neither. Soon after I moved in with my adoptive parents, my new mum took me into my parents bedroom, sat me on the bed and showed me a news paper clipping from the announcements section, announcing my adoption. I think it was her way of explaining it. I was five so I don't recall that much, but I do remember feeling pretty strange. I didn't feel a rush of 'now I belong', it was the opposite, I felt somehow more separate and different. I had questions, but I couldn't articulate them, and didn't feel able to ask. I was a quiet, very compliant child and remained that way. Prior to adoption I don't recall anybody ever talking to me about why I didn't have parents and why I was in care, but then I have no memory of time in care, its a total blank, probably just too young to remember and probably no bad thing.

Sorry to go on about adoption, and thanks for the insights.

 

[Chava]

@Jemini , p.s., the trauma people who write about complex trauma and also developmental trauma (which would include the attachment issues) are Van Der Kolk, Laurence Heller, and Sieber Fisher. Approaches are really multi-faceted. Not just talk, but somatic, creative, neuro-affective (focus on regulation), and relational (maybe like re-parenting where it fits). Fisher has been using neurofeedback along with her therapy. That's not an option for me, but I think of Somatic Experiencing, and noticing my own sensations, as being as close as I'd get to that (and helpful). But basically a therapist who understands early trauma, has lots of tools, and can work with the individual's needs because early trauma has such a global impact (symptoms in a wide array of catergories, treatment either with a few pros or at the very least in a way that addresses the particular needs).

Can you meet with this contact you have for a sort of interview to see if it's a potential good fit for you?

@Mit I have not read that book (will look into it). Adoptees were literally abandoned (no matter how well meaning...this is not blaming birth mothers...it's simply an abandonment to the tiny human...easiest if adopted right away, those first few weeks, and given a lot of care). With kids who are raised by rejecting, neglecting, or abusive birth parents, it is also an abandonment and the attachment fails in a similar way. The issues, beliefs might be a little different. But it's interesting that my best friends have been adopted...I don't think it's a coincidence, but that we related (I was drawn to them before knowing they were adopted)...similar wavelengths, whatever.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm thinking about buying it, perhaps it would also be helpful to anyone who has experienced abandonment and not just adoptees.

I havent but if it would help those for abandonment and not just adoptees, maybe its good? I dont know, just made me think is all.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

@Chava -- I have that contact but one reason haven't reached out is because been so pulled in different directions looking for the different modalities as you describe them. I've really wanted to find something somatic more in the vein of yoga (not EMDR, that quickly went south for me). Essentially I'm dealing with a clusterf*ck of separate issues including more recent traumas and so it's been difficult to prioritize, say, longstanding attachment as the issue worth seeking treatment. I'm going to be on medicare soon and also have come to accept that I'm lightyears from being able to work right now, so perhaps I could consider building more of a treatment team.

But it's interesting that my best friends have been adopted...I don't think it's a coincidence, but that we related (I was drawn to them before knowing they were adopted)...similar wavelengths, whatever.

That's a really interesting insight. A few people I feel very sympatico with now in past have been people who more or less raised themselves. And also now that you make me think of it, some of the strongest people I know.

All -- I have a book on my shelf called Nobody's Child, by Marie Balter. I "borrowed" it from someone about 15 years ago and have never read it, maybe feels to loaded. Wondering if anyone here has read this title?

 

[Deleted member 20978]

ps @Chava, @The Albatross just gave me a title by Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score, that is going on my reading list. He also I guess founded or runs the JRI trauma center near me, who turned me away as a patient saying my case was too complex. I was in severe acute state at the time so might try again now, couple years later.

 

[Kintsugi]

Essentially I'm dealing with a clusterf*ck of separate issues including more recent traumas and so it's been difficult to prioritize, say, longstanding attachment as the issue worth seeking treatment.

I have recently come to realize and understand that my attachment issues are one of my very top priorities, because that is the foundation from whence my PTSD seems to have been born and the core of why I seem to seek relationships wherein I am at risk of further trauma or symptom exacerbation.

To hear my T tell it, my adoption was my earliest trauma (preceded by a traumatized and perpetually stressed-out mother who carried me), my adopted mother sucked balls at helping me form a secure attachment and therefore I was unattached to either of my parents, I attempted to replace that emptiness by attaching to my older brother, which enabled my brother to have complete control over me, giving him the opportunity to sexually abuse me for years, which then absolutely shattered my chances at securely attaching to anyone in my childhood. Phew. :sorry:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have recently come to realize and understand that my attachment issues are one of my very top priorities,

Thats a great realization! Something to build on at least!

 

[Gucci]

Essentially I'm dealing with a clusterf*ck of separate issues including more recent traumas and so it's been difficult to prioritize, say, longstanding attachment as the issue worth seeking treatment. I'm going to be on medicare soon and also have come to accept that I'm lightyears from being able to work right now, so perhaps I could consider building more of a treatment team.

Yes, not an obvious task to hone in on the most pressing issue when there's a constellation of symptoms and issues are all intertwined anyway. I'll suggest an excellent book about PTSD by Pete Walker called "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" (his web site also has very helpful articles). He's exceptionally thorough, suffered himself through severe bouts of emotional flashbacks/panic/anxiety, and provides concrete strategies to begin to address the repercussions.

I have definitely felt better -- WAYYYY better -- those times in my life when I had a social circle and an SO. The problem seems to be in forming connections that not only stand the test of time, but fit into some actual community.

I'd say difficulty in the relational/social realm is one of the most vexing for traumatised people. Therapy can be great if you have the right therapist (you have to shop around and find someone who specialises in ptsd/trauma), but the truth is that it's once a week for 50 min - pitifully inadequate in terms of time. Enjoyable, regular, safe face-to-face interaction with others is not an obvious accomplishment. I've noticed recently a couple of meet-up groups that started for depression/social anxiety, which I thought was encouraging, and I've recently joined a group for childhood trauma (waiting for the next meeting to be announced).

You'd expect people to be pretty understanding if that's the theme of the group. My take is that you keep expectations very low both for yourself and others. Sometimes we're so anxious that we freight social situations with way too much when it may be better to have a lighter touch - think of them as a chance to get out of the house and just be around HUMANS. You probably won't make incredible connections with anyone in 20 seconds...

There's no easy answering for trauma recovery - for me a lot of it was understanding on a cognitive level what the hell had happened, being liberated by the knowledge that none of it had been my fault and that there was nothing wrong with ME, and that I was going to have to work my ass off in order to find workarounds for some pretty messed-up compensatory behaviours and distorted thinking patterns as a result of my upbringing. I'm extraordinarily lucky to have younger siblings I get along with and who support me unconditionally (they're reasonably 'normal' as my parents did not subject them to the same narcissistic, emotionally neglectful and physically abusive treatment reserved for my older sibling and me...it was a pretty surreal family system).

For me it's all about finding workarounds - I will never undo the kinks in my limbic system; the wiring got mangled pretty early on, and you can't set it back to a pristine version. I do think you can accomplish a lot by knowing as much as possible how you function now so that you can re-route and establish different neural pathways, know your triggers and how to deal with flashbacks, refuse to be with anyone who treat you badly (even family members) and work on punting negative beliefs that were corrupt programs imposed on you as a defenceless, vulnerable child.

Cults are described as "closed, high-demand environments" that require total subjugation. I'd say that describes a lot of crappy family systems, replete with amputation of your emotional authenticity and independence; you will develop PTSD as a result and getting past it to a decent level of functioning requires strenuous reprogramming.

I was a quiet, very compliant child and remained that way

Oy...I was a preternaturally well-behaved, obedient, self-contained child who never had needs and made no demands and required no maintenance. I learned to be this way bc I was terrified of my parents. It took me a long while to realise that all these other kids running around and spontaneously expressing themselves and having fun and temper tantrums were behaving that way because that's what regular kids do - what a shock to my worldview!

When I eventually figured out what had been done to me and the manifest unjustness of it, the energy of my legitimate fury carried me through a lot of the incredible discouragement I frequently felt. Don't forget that there's massive grieving going on as well, for everything we've lost. Endless self-compassion/self-care are essential.

 

[Chava]

I have that contact but one reason haven't reached out is because been so pulled in different directions looking for the different modalities as you describe them. I've really wanted to find something somatic more in the vein of yoga (not EMDR, that quickly went south for me). Essentially I'm dealing with a clusterf*ck of separate issues including more recent traumas and so it's been difficult to prioritize, say, longstanding attachment as the issue worth seeking treatment.

Sorry you were turned away from the trauma center for being "too complex". That's f*cking ridiculous, imho. A couple ideas, not sure what is available (also consider traveling a bit, if needed, or possible): look under the Somatic Experiencing website for a practitioner. Specialities ("complex trauma", etc) might be listed. Or call, e-mail to ask. What does the contact you have do? If specializing in attachment and/or complex trauma it might be worth reaching out and seeing what that therapist could offer. Yoga really doesn't replace therapy but Van Der Kolk has done some research on this and it is helpful to many trauma sufferers. Until you find something, or in adjunct to what you do find, you could look for a yoga therapist, or trauma-informed yoga therapist (or join a class if that feels okay for you). I do some yoga myself and it's quite helpful for the grounding, connecting to my body, and working on staying present...just took quite a while to figure out what was helpful and what was not.

I don't know the extent or range of your symptoms (sorry if I missed somewhere) but I think finding anyone who is trained and willing to work with complex trauma could be helpful. Those therapists seem to understand the symptom set can be wide, deep, and gnarly...but the approach has to be fairly individual, yet informed by good practice and plenty of helpful tools/strategies.

@Simply Simon I don't "like" what happened to you but it sounds great that you're fine-tuning how you see the scope of your challenges. It's hard to wrap my head around the early stuff I don't have normal memory of, but as I do, I notice how it fits everywhere. I'm so shaped by it.

And like you, I have the record (though not in my own picture-story-like memory)...I simply know my own mom was not well when carrying me or after, dissociative stress case, and I also know I had mild birth defects and had a birth by bizarre accident (I don't really explain for paranoid fear of "outing" myself here)...but then remained in the hospital and I suspect my mom was also afraid to connect to me...because of my health, her health, and even losing a child before me...her trauma + mine = mess). I tolerated traumas in early childhood not-at-all (was rehospitalized in a specialized ICU far away from family and nobody stayed with me).

Before even starting school I remember feeling disconnected from the world, like I was watching this girl (who was me) in a movie, all the time. I felt more real to myself when I disconnected. Thick bubble. I didn't seek support or comfort from anyone. I quietly observed or retreated into my world. I did find some coping or connection to nature and other things, so it wasn't all sadness and loss. I had a lot of private curiosity and wonder that I can still connect to. It's just hard to rewire and connect to other humans. :alien::ninja:

 

[Deleted member 20978]

@Gucci really like your postings.

You'd expect people to be pretty understanding if that's the theme of the group. My take is that you keep expectations very low both for yourself and others.

This is a really interesting observation for me. I agree and disagree, may choose to journal on it later. I want to say though, in general I have high expectations of people -- that is, I assume good things about them -- and try to be tolerant when they disappoint (as everyone does). Not necessarily a more healthy view, but different from expecting very little. In my life experience, everybody's got their something and it pays a lot to try to tune in to what that is. Having said that, I believe one pattern I'm beginning to see in myself, which maybe others are seeing much better than me, is making people feel that they all have to be perfect or I'll bite their head off in some way. Hence (maybe?) why even innocuous comments of mine can be read as thundering blowback. Wishing I could find more normal ways to let people know, I pretty much like *everybody* except for those who are completely arrogant. Like, I do not like Donald Trump. I think disliking people who can only see their own interests is universal.

Cults are described as "closed, high-demand environments" that require total subjugation.

My experience with cults in the broad sense -- yes, a defining characteristic is prohibiting outside viewpoints -- was first my mother moving us around constantly and severing every connection that offered me another perspective. Like she terminated childhood therapists when they inevitably asked her to start coming to sessions with me, things like this. As an adult I worked briefly for a large corporate entity well-known (as I later discovered) for having cult-like dynamics and again, walling off employees from outside perspectives (can't name them for my own privacy concerns). I also volunteered for a yoga franchise slash cult that is known for rotating its employees to new locations, discouraging them from contact with their families, things like this. I walked away when they asked all volunteers to start journalling our full days and sharing with them, because I felt like, wait.... I thought you just needed me to handout flyers and stuff, not give you my identity...

That was when I first read about what constitutes a cult, and it was helpful to me to understand, if outside perspectives are fine and encouraged, then it is likely healthy. If not, run away.

When I eventually figured out what had been done to me and the manifest unjustness of it, the energy of my legitimate fury carried me through a lot of the incredible discouragement I frequently felt.

So hear this. Anger is the driving force between every social revolution in history. It's not inherently bad. Metallica helped me as a teen turn my self-hate into outwards rage. I am always impressed by people who can channel their anger into justice. I've learned to be scared of anger in more recent years, in part as I now see because I was directing in ways and in a specific direction that was never ever going to be heard. Being angry at someone who simply does not care how you feel is a fun way to go insane. I'm on the learning curve still as to when to know to just not bother expressing anger but seek other outlets or connections that will validate and be sympathetic. Trying to learn from others and just chill myself, with some successes.

What does the contact you have do?

It was given to me by a friend of my mother's who is a geriatric psychologist, and she said the person deals with attachment issues iirc. Honestly the contact is probably on some Post-It somewhere, might have to ask for it again. I had been specifically asking for someone who sees adults and this was a name she gave me, few months ago.

Until you find something, or in adjunct to what you do find, you could look for a yoga therapist, or trauma-informed yoga therapist (or join a class if that feels okay for you).

Actually there is a regular free class given by a phenomenal teacher in my area. It is happening right now. I haven't been since mid-summer, that is a good idea.