When Will I Feel Safe Again?

[Esther]

My ptsd diagnosis is now official. It took a long time to accept that my trauma was 'bad enough', it was only when the massive flood of flashbacks hit me at once that I realised.

I have finally let my emotions come to the surface in therapy, and apparently that is good but i'm finding the anxiety really hard to deal with now that i'm not dissociating.

I've mostly taken a break from studying so I can get well.

When i'm at home I can go hide under the covers like a four year old which helps, but how long until I feel safe again? I want the pain to stop so bad. Is there anything you guys do that makes it easier to leave the house?

 

[cyndi]

Mmmm, you're not alone. You do it by baby steps. Don't overwhelm yourself but don't give up either. Give yourself BIG kudos for what you have done and don't beat yourself up-we've had plenty of that. Try your front porch first. Breathe in the air, listen for birds, notice things, nature going on all around you. As you do this, make sure and look back to see your progress and report it on here. We'll cheer you on!
Hugs and welcome to the board.

 

[Deleted member 541]

HI Esther,

We all know of the feelings that you are having/going through. PTSD is so hard to deal with at times. The biggest thing I can offer as advice....Face your fears head on and work through them. It's the only way that you can get better.

By staying in the house and hiding under the covers, all you are doing is feeding your fear. Facing it, actually will help you to reduce it. You do it in baby steps, a few minutes at a time. It will get easier after awhile...

 

[Cindy]

Fear - the gripping monster

Boy is this the tough one.

It's been 20 years and I still deal with this on occasion. When it hits I continuelly repeat in my head that I am safe NOW. I have made a "safe" place in my house - not my bed because I associate that to my nightmares and flashbacks. When I feel unsafe I try to meditate, I light candles and put on instrumental music. Visualization helps. Another thing I do is place a sentimental object in my pocket (sea shell) and when I'm feeling overwhelmed I squeeze it to focus on NOW and HERE.

As to leaving the house. I pick a safe place as a destination. A friends house, the shopping mall, the public library, grocery store, etc. Then I break it down - 1. Front door to car. 2. Lock all doors in the car and drive. 3. plan the shortest route. 4. Upon arrival scan the entire area before unlocking the doors of the car. 5. race to the entrance.

Public places can be unnerving depending on the clientelle. I started going to public places for short periods of time and slowly increased the time there.

Good Luck.

Cindy

 

[cragger65]

Cindy, our coping strategies are so similar, that is comforting to me in itself. Esther, I don't know if it will help or not, but I printed out (in full page-size print) a series of words that I could focus on, one word/phrase per page.

For example:
Let Go

 

[cragger65]

* Let Go
* Float with It
* I Am Safe Now
* Calm
* Healing
* Peace...

and would go through the pages, pausing to let my mind rest on each word. I still do this sometimes. Hope this helps in some way

 

[Esther]

thanks everybody. I like the idea of putting something in my pocket, and the list of words helped.
My goal today is to go to class and sit through it. I had an emdr session yesterday, I hope eventually that will help. We created a 'safe place' in my mind that helps a little bit too. It's such a horrible feeling. I think i've always had it, but the last few months it has come up to the surface and really intensified.

I can totally understand why some people turn to alcohol and stuff to cope...I feel like I would do anything to make this feeling go away (but I won't do anything unhealthy).

 

[Cindy]

Try to figure out what makes you feel safe.

Esther:

If hiding under the covers feels safe -

Is it the warmth?

Is it the small space?

Is it the location - the bed, the bedroom, ?

Is it the darkness under the covers?

Is it the stillness of lying motionless?

Is it the quiet? (other than what is screaming in your head.)

Once you have a clue what the key ingredients are, try to recreate them differently as part of your day. Wear layers of clothing. Take time to sit still and just breathe in silence. Always lock your doors.

It is not fun feeling unsafe and I have come unglued many a time this way.

Identify what can help to make you feel safe. I leave a light on every night and keep a fan on my face for moving air. Hey - do whatever it takes.

Cindy

 

[TLight]

Yeah, the fetal position under the covers has always been mine......better than drugs and alcohol.
I will probably always rely on it.
I'm starting to feel a little safer, of course, I'm on disability, at home making a little extra money writing papers, and sort of just hiding out..........but, Boy, is it nice to finally be able to actually relax.

Perhaps, when I feel more stable and able to work, I'll have this stuff conquered. Not sure if it will happen......but I am sure I'm going to continue trying. But baby steps...........I don't want to end up in the hospital again.

 

[shiraz]

Hi Esther, hope you are doing well today.
:Hug_emoticon:
I have come to realise that I can give energy to the fear which increases it. So now, instead of fighting it, I just observe it - like Cragger says: let it float, let is go ... or something like that :)

I just observe that it is there and observe what it is doing in my body ... I don't focus on the 'thing' which is creating the fear (like triggers) as that intensifies the fear - I just try keep up with watching the fear for as long as it takes and eventually it lets go. It really is like a beast - if you fight, it fights back and gains strength. If you casually observe it, it has nothing to push back at and eventually it gives up.

It took me a long time to practice doing this AND get it right ... but it was worth it!

Hope that helps
care and hope to you
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Grama-Herc]

Like everyone has said "Slow Baby Steps" Have you tryed the deep breathing thing?

It helps relax you. As I have had to force myself out of the house too, I can tell you how I managed the initial steps.

For some unknown reason I feel safe in my car? ? ? In the beginning I would just drive someplace I wanted to go. 9 times out of 10 I could not get out of the car and simply drove back home. But eventually I was able to get out and go inside. I slowly began to create what I call my "safe zone" I now have a gas station,a grocery store and 2 thrift stores in my safe zone.

Takes time but you can do it! One step at a time and remember to BREATHE!

 

[cragger65]

Shiraz, I think you've got it right on the dime. I have found the same thing for myself, it feels some how much more validated and "real" hearing someone else articulate it for me.

thanks