When Do You Give Up On A Friend?

[Heather]

@anthony starting today.

Plus, my daughter says I owe her ten bucks:p.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am really trying hard (and it is getting easier) to believe that actions speak much louder than words...

I'm totally screwed.

Lots more healing to do before I stop isolating I suppose as anxious/depressed symptoms seem to trump all right now in my life.

 

[candor]

When do you give up on a friend? Well... maybe the more logical question is -- when do you respect yourself...

I always say "Don't need to love me but I expect you to respect me". I just told my friend that we need to stop. It took him a split second to agree and hang up on me. I really felt relieved afterwards and defeated as I got pushed to give up on a relationship that I would have preferred not to abandon. The constant cancellations were starting to seriously affect my health and perhaps my better judgement. It took me so much courage to define it as a boundary because I was 100% sure that it would be the beginning of the end. Asking someone to change their behaviour when they are 50 and have been doing it so long is not realistic. To his defence, I would say that instead of cancelling, he was now actually showing up much later than we agreed but it showed an attempt. The cancellations started getting to be so frequent that 5 in three days was not uncommon. It created so much stress in my life. I guess it is for most of us disrespect but I also see it as mainly an anxiety disorder that can't be helped on the sufferer's side. In our case, my educated guess is that it was a fear that he would give up the time he had to do his own things and leave his apartment. He has a core belief that unless he spends a minimum of 1 week recovering that he is in no shape to see others. He then convinces himself in last minute that he is not well enough (again). We had agreed on seeing each other Tues and Thurs mornings and he cancelled the first Tues that came around. I said ok, I am stopping here. He won't contact me and I hope to have the courage I seek.

 

[Deleted member 31177]

Not worth keep getting disappointed/hurt.

But I really would like to hang out with her. I need a friend. Very disappointed.:(

Exactly, you need a FRIEND! This person is definitely showing no signs of what friendship is - she is not a friend - she is not being a friend to you. You need a friend - someone trustworthy, that will follow through, that is honest and kind, that is there for you, and you for them; that you can laugh with, that you can just sit with doing nothing and feel comfortable - a real friend. You deserve that kind of a friend. This other person? Erase her, lose the number, block her from your phone, FB wherever her name is. You are not her "play-thing" that she can mess around with - you are to be respected and loved and cared for because you ARE a FRIEND to people!

p.s. I like Calvin & Hobbs, too - hee!

Warmly, Julie

 

[Knak]

I know how it is to have no friends and, in my case, have no hope of gaining any, due to my outward expression of depression and PTSD.

I have been told I appear to be afraid, and I was raised to be invisible. Only people who have experienced it understand what you feel, so most don't want to get involved unless they need a victim to take advantage of. I have gone for decades without friends I trust, and for along time I couldn't talk anyway. It was a no win situation and I don't know why I hung on.

Still, I developed no tolerance for a person who doesn't care how they treat me. Most people are not self aware and we are all selfish. I also tend to be a people pleaser and give away too much so have to protect myself.

I would not tell a person I love them if they don't respect me for no good reason. If they take your away inner resources, you will get worse. It is a source of strength to know you respect your life enough to exclude "takers".

It's a blessing to find a healthy person who will give real love and support, although nobody has unlimited resources. I am afraid to depend too much on any one person because that could drive them away. I can't read signals when I overstep my bounds due to ADD.

I was not nurtured as a baby or child and need to learn to nurture myself, which I find difficult. EMDR therapy helps and so does sticking to healthy principles. I had a breakdown at age 22 and am 66. My psychiatrist recently said I will need therapy the rest of my life. I have improved so it gives me hope.

I made major improvements when I:
1. met a woman who loved me like a mother
2. came back to faith in Christ and met people I could trust - it helps to compare good vs. bad traits
3. started EMDR to heal pain and grew emotionally - quit caring about rejection by losers
4. took responsibility for my symptoms and only see doctors with compassion and wisdom
5. got on a combination of anxiety meds that help

I still don't expect to find friends who won't abandon me. I'm too depressed and scared to reciprocate signs of friendship. I can't depend on my moods. It takes energy to appear upbeat. People don't like complainers and problems dominate my thinking.

I hope you can use discernment to know what is going to help you or hurt you. It helps to know so many have been hurt by no fault of their own and grow to have compassion for those like themselves.

 

[Gadgie]

Quote....."I still don't expect to find friends who won't abandon me. I'm too depressed and scared to reciprocate signs of friendship. I can't depend on my moods"

I feel the exact same, so I know how that feels, I have no friends at all. In fact, I spent the last seven years caring for my bed bound wife, who passed away last November. It was like seven years of house arrest for me, as I never got out, apart from food shopping!
As none of her so called family, would sit with her, to let me get a break?

I've been ostracised by all her family, (which to be honest, suits me fine) but I really do miss the grand kids. I've not really had a friend since my days in the forces, a life time ago now.

Some times I feel like I'm coping well, yet other times I could scream with the loneliness, but then again, no one would hear me?

 

[illusionist]

I had a friend who used to cancel often...different excuses and always apologetic. He did eventually own up to the fact he had a bad bowel problem and the anticipation of going out would just trigger things up for him....so he ended up spending most of his time at home. We got round it by only meeting up in each other's houses.

 

[Neverthesame]

I also am the one who easily cancels because of my own strong avoidance tendencies

Me too.

I don't expect others to put up with my shit.

Exactly. If I have one redeeming quality, it's that I'm honest about having no redeeming qualities.

@illusionist One of the less frequently mentioned symptoms of anxiety disorders, irritable bowel syndrome. :wideeyed:...:brb:...:poop:...:bag:

 

[Heather]

I thought I was developing a friendship with my neighbor upstairs. But she turned me off. She asked if I wanted to watch a movie last night and I just didn't think I could concentrate. Yesterday was such a hard, awful day.

I asked if we could talk instead. She replied you are focusing on it too much. I didn't even mean we had to talk about my daughter. I just told her to have a good night.

I'm done.

 

[Gadgie]

Ah! Heather, don't worry, you can't force a friendship, they just happen, and build up over time. Having some things in common is helpful, and daily chit chat in general.

I'm the last one to be offering advice, my track record is not so good when it came to making friends? I did have a sort of friendship with my work mate, who was my partner at work on the A&E ambulance, but looking back, I think that was just due to what we went through in doing that job.

Some ugly events and messy jobs, as we called them, we seemed to get more than our fare share of them, compared to other crews? I think that was what bonded us really.

 

[candor]

Constant cancellations and late arrivals is not a symptom of anything actually. It is a flaw in character that can happen with any individual that does not care enough to treat others with respect. You are saying “You are not important enough for me to free up whatever I have to do even though you rushed to make it to our appointment or moved around your appointments to meet me.”

IBS is a legitimate excuse. If you actually cannot make it because you are sick, I would never complain. If it is because you would rather see TV, go to sleep or worry about XYZ, its just not acceptable and no one else should put up with it. My mistake was being too accommodating. I wish I had at least said
"
Please understand that I am not asking you to change. I am telling you that I am not willing to make plans with you that involve me waiting for more than 15 minutes. I will simply not wait unless I am planning to be home anyway.
"

 

[shimmerz]

I think one of the things I am learning about myself and my attachment disorder stuff is that I used to use (let's me honest, probably still do), the word friend without actually knowing what it meant to me. A friend was someone who could 'pretend' to like me (when they wanted to) and treat me like dirt when they felt like it too. Because I called them 'friend' I put up with it.

My 'friends' were people upon whom I had bestowed my love, my trust, my energy, my all. I didn't think about what they gave to MY life. Unbalanced. As most things in my life were (still are but getting better).

I am fine tuning the idea of what a friend is. How long it takes me to bestow the title upon them. A real look at whether I see them as a friend or whether they 'treat' me like a friend. Most of this stuff was about me. I didn't actually understand what a friend was. I am trying to use other words now like 'acquaintance', neighbour, business associate, etc. Everyone I knew was my freaking 'friend'. Not any more. I need to be more discriminate.