Sufferer I Have Ptsd...and I'm Not Sure What Slse To Say

[Deleted member 28403]

@Ragdoll Circus
I'm glad that you managed to take a step away from the denial stage :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't want to be able to relate to you

I dont want to relate to me either **headscratch** if that makes sense; but its reality of my life, I spent 10 yrs denying it all and it got me no where but becoming a drug addict.

Its only when you say (your story) happened, yes it happened, its not happening now (except in my head), and then start to look to learn better skills and behaviors, thinking patterens, core beliefs etc.

Denial only go me further down in my hole.

But thats just my 2 cents.

I find people that "get" me, understand my ever wave of emotions, understand why i do the things i do & think the way i think, just a little bit very comforting, very relieving that as sad as i am that they've been there too, im not alone in this.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@lostforgottensoul
Agreeing about denial, I was denying the abuse I went through, and it got me nowhere, but as I share more and talk to people more about it, I'm finding supportive people and similar people

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but as I share more and talk to people more about it, I'm finding supportive people and similar people

I do agree there and feel the same way! It helps to just simply be understood!

 

[RavenGirl]

Yes, I felt so alone for 35 years until I finally told about what happened to me. I was SHOCKED to learn how many other people had gone through the same thing, even close friends if mine. We were all hiding the same secret!!! As they say, the truth shall set you free. Not having to carry that horrible, heavy burden by yourself any more gives you the freedom to start to heal. ((Hugs!)) To you. ♡ Raven

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So i just got out of my therapist's office (in my car still in his parkinglot, didnt wanna forget some of his words).

He said that 'achy' attachment feeling is 1)tranaferance & more importantly 2) im still functioning emotionally at the age of 12 (at time even 6 or 7) and he said that is infactuation, something like a 12 yr old girl finding a boy in school she liked. And its SOOO weird cuz I did tell him (the MOD) that i was feeling like a "gitty little school girl".

He (my therapist) said that it wouldnt be that much of an issue if it didnt go to the direct seduction place (not that its suprising) but now that its there, he wants me to pull back that part, send him a small conversarion that i cant be doing that right now. My therapist said its too big of something to tackle right now. He said he also doesnt want it to crowd out the other good things that are happening in result of this new connection; and future good things that can happen...so he didnt tell me to stop talking to him like i was scared of.

He said that im learning how to connect (even just on a friendship level) with someone and given my past, this isnt abnormal. Im just not sure i trust myself to pull back & stay there and not be seductive and im not sure if telling the MOD is a good idea as i dont want him to pull himself back too much so im still trying to figure out how to do it.

My therapist also said to calm down, its not a big deal, expected, and i cant judge myself so much; hold myself to such high standards as that always leads to punishments.

So thats the summery of our sessions today. I have to get to walmart but wanted to type it as soon as i got out. My therapist knew of this messaging, i told him last session...and i usually have fears of telling my therapist stuff but always end up telling him anyway. My therapist is the only one person that knows all, every graphic gritty detail of me and my past. Even more than ive put on here (yep, theres more). So i would have told him anyway, was just scared to is all.

He didnt tell me to stop talking to him...whew! Not sure i can at the moment.

Oh he also said to stay aware of functioning on a 12 yr old emotional level & eventually, if i contiune to stay aware, that "it will break my heart if i have to stop talking to him" will fade. And he said, who knows, maybe it will turn into something, maybe it wont...but whats happening is good and havig this connection is good. My therapist's words, not mine.

 

[Sideways]

It's so easy for me to feel compassion for the ppl on this site - you read the posts about what people are recovering from and your humanity kicks in automatically..."how could ANYONE do those things to an innocent child?"

But then you stick your head out and the next thing you know, others are feeling exactly the same compassion and empathy for me...oh god! Head kicks in: "I don't deserve those comments, they're only saying that because they don't know how disgusting I am, etc etc". Allowing myself to just read those comments and accept that my situation is the same - the detail is different, but it's all the same - is, like I said, confronting and heart-breaking and painful.

But if this was someone else's thread, I'd tell them that all those thoughts are natural, but they're not the truth. So this is me, telling myself that it's okay that people are saying such beautiful things to me. Yes, it's awful that I belong on a site like this, but people are hearing me, understanding me, and caring about it, and that's ok. I'm allowed to let that in.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and thinking to make those posts. It's hard to let myself tolerate kindness, but it's appreciated more than I have the words to describe.

 

[Sideways]

@lostforgottensoul
YAY!!!!
I love the relationship you have with your T! And I love that he's validated this for you! It would have been so disappointing if you'd come back and said "T says back off, I'm not ready for this" because it's so hard to really connect with someone, let alone do that in a healthy way, when you've been hard-wired to seek & destroy. Massive kudos to you because there must be so much hard work over the years to have got you to this pojnt. REAL, healthy human connection - isn't that exactly why we all bother fighting the Recovery fight in the first place. You really can heal, are healing, step by step:)

Go out and celebrate yourself! And try not to worry about whether it might go pear-shaped. It might, and we've got your back if it does, but maybe (fingers crossed for you!) this is a real, live friendship with a MALE that is a actually gonna work out:playful:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul
YAY!!!!
I love the relationship you have with your T! And...

Thank you but dummy me posted it to the wrong thread! **Doh**

 

[BlueOrange]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and thinking to make those posts. It's hard to let myself tolerate kindness, but it's appreciated more than I have the words to describe.

Beautifully said. Thank you for saying it - I wanted to say something similar, but it was too scary for me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Ragdoll Circus I feel the same. I can tell anyone that their past was wrong, they didnt deserve it etc or someone that went through my past, i would tell them the same...but me...i describe myself as "other" or "not like everyone else" so to me, im the exception to "you didnt deserve it" thing.

Its why, being able to shed just one tear about something that happened in my past is so big. Im very much seperated from it, numb to it, so to feel pain about it for even just a few mins is progress.

So you arent alone in those feelings, at all! And people do care, even when you feel no one does! And i care! Always! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

The double standards... One for yourself, which are crazy, and like, normalish for other people...
Man, that shit is hard to get with