Back At The Point Where I Bail Out

[BlueOrange]

My symptoms aren't too bad right now. I'm managing to do a little bit of work, and I'm no longer useless around the house. I'm making it out of the house every day.

Meanwhile, I'm tired, and kinda bored as well. I come to these forums and I see everybody hurting and being brave, and I feel like I've had enough of hurting and being brave. I just want to move on and leave it all behind.

Of course, that didn't work last time when I did it. Or the time before that. Or the time before that. It's almost as if I had some kind of disease that featured avoiding the problem via any means that presents itself. "Declaring victory and pretending that it's no longer an issue" is extremely tempting right now.

The alternative seems to be 'being miserable', and it's not exactly appealing. I tell myself that if I work through it, then I can build a better foundation. It was a lot easier to believe that statement when I didn't really have a choice. I have a choice now, and it's difficult.

 

[Klo]

Yeah it's kind of flustering, for sure.

Like you have to recognize that it's a trap, as far as quitting the battle to get better just because you are feeling better.

While simultaneously not forming an association of "feeling better" = "bad things will happen soon".

 

[Sideways]

Even when I give up on the whole 'recovery' bit, because it's too hard and I'm too over it and too exhausted, and just decide I'm gonna stick with 'sustaining myself', I still end up with life being too much like hard work:hungover:

If you find a third option, please please let me know...

 

[ladee]

Words, they are a powerful thing. Something so simple, and it really is, of just needing a break. You are aware and very sinsetive insight to your self... so lets try this.... BlueOrange is taking a break.... give yourself permission instead of looking like you are 'bailing' . You have too much insight to bail..... take your break, and we'll see you when you come back .... very simple.... :hug::blackeye:

 

[Stickler]

I wish I could just take a vacation from dealing with it.

 

[Dana1010]

I'm finding when I try to go back to what happiness meant in the past, it doesn't hold much interest for me. Going to bars and getting drunk and making a show of myself was how I used to run away from myself. Now I can barely picture myself socializing at all. I don't know if it's because I'm still very much pre-recovery or if healing from trauma changes you. I was just thinking, wow, I wish I could just go back to denial, but I can't for some reason, either because I haven't healed enough, or I've healed too much and now denial just feels retrogressive. I don't know what the new happy will look like if I ever heal all the way.

 

[BlueOrange]

I wish I could just go back to denial, but I can't for some reason, either because I haven't healed enough, or I've healed too much and now denial just feels retrogressive.

Yep. Exactly that.

 

[BlueOrange]

I've worked a few things out, I think.

School (especially the library) was the safe place for me, for most of my life. School is basically an arrangement where teachers get paid in order to do help people grow up. The world of work is about extracting value from employees, not building it into them. It tends to assume that you have a life outside of work that supports you. I have circumstances and people outside of work that would support me if I knew how to draw nourishment from them. But I don't know how to do that, and when I try to draw it all out of the world of work, it invariably disappoints.

 

[Sideways]

Despite how it's probly gonna sound, I mean this in all seriousness - have you been down to your local library recently and just hung out with a laptop or magazine or something recently? Parts of your brain might still feel like libraries are a safe place to go..?

 

[BlueOrange]

I mean this in all seriousness - have you been down to your local library recently and just hung out with a laptop or magazine or something recently? Parts of your brain might still feel like libraries are a safe place to go..?

Twice in the last week :)

 

[Klo]

I've worked a few things out, I think.

School (especially the library) was the safe place for me, fo...

THIS. So much this.

 

[Sideways]

@BlueOrange - love it:). Sounds like it was less "figuring a few things out" and more of a but of a breakthrough moment, at least as far as some of the parts are concerned.