Just Woke Up From Nightmare That Makes Me Want To Do "the Dog Thing"

[Queen Boudica]

this is abuse of animals. You should get immediate treatment and that dog should not be in your care. So because you have to work and can't be hospitalised you are willing to risk you do it again and abuse the dog again. If this were a child, but because it is a dog it's OK. No.

 

[Rumors]

That law was changed post 2012. Current law prohibits any sexual act and has since taken "penetration" out of the language. I don't know why you want to argue semantics because the end result is the same. It is wrong. If it helps you to know it is against the law, it is in fact against the law.

 

[Knak]

Please tell me ANYWHERE on this forum that i said i cannot stop. Anywhere.

What i said is, i...

I am sorry that you are being mislead while you look for solutions to something other than what is perceived to be the problem. That is how I read it. And I imagine I will be criticized for not seeing it their way.

You are doing well to stand up under it and defend yourself, but your needing to defend yourself shows you are not getting the help you need. I also hate to see the multiple negative feedback justifying that you are in control, when you are not.

Ritual abuse is satanic and something a human cannot overcome by his own power. Every person needs to be shown unconditional love and compassion, especially a victim who has been scared out of their mind and abused beyond understanding.

I have been shown the love of Christ by those who have faith in Him and know His love. God uses believers to show Himself tangibly on this earth to those willing to accept Him.

As far as I am aware, the only victims who have escaped the damage of satanic abuse are people who have become Christians. A person can't recognize the characteristics of evil until knowing true love that only comes from Christ. He wants you to put your faith in Him and accept his free gift of forgiveness and eternal life. Until then you are under Satan's control.

Christ has already defeated Satan's power of death, but Satan still dwells on this earth and seeks to lie, kill and destroy everyone he can to keep them from trusting in God. Satan's power is growing as the time shortens before Christ returns to set up His Kingdom and dwell on earth with men and end Satan's power on this earth, .

God became human and lived the only perfect life to qualify as the blood sacrifice required to pay for all men's sins. He has defeated death by rising to life in a new perfect body to sit at the right hand of God. He was put to death on the cross by men who refused to believe. He is your creator and when you accept Him (by the faith he makes available to every person), He comes into your heart to live as your comforter, healer, and as your down-payment for your future eternal life in heaven where there is no more sorrow. He promises He will never leave you. He provides hope for your future, being in heaven in His presence after your body dies and serving Him by ruling others on the earth in His name.

Christ is the only one who can take away your sins and sinful behavior, which he forgives past present and future so you are free of those bonds. You cannot do it in your own power. I know this is true because I have lived it out many times. It is not always instantaneous and often painful.

He loves you more than you will ever know. He uses the body of believers to support and love you in a tangible way on this earth until He returns. That is not to say that suffering ends now because as a believer not only do you inherit every spiritual blessing He has received, but you also inherit the suffering He endured, being rejected by unbelievers and persecuted by those under Satan's power who do Satan's work.

Satan's goal is to turn as many away as possible before Christ returns to set up his kingdom on earth and cast Satan into the fiery pit for 1,000 years.

I used to have night terrors until I was able to say, in my dream, "Satan you have no power over me because Christ lives in me and has already won the battle." I never had another nightmare.

I hope this helps and I will pray for your peace of mind and complete dependence on God.

I apologize if I offended those who do not believe in a Creator or a spiritual realm outside of what we experience through our 5 senses, but this is a dire situation and from my personal experience of living in hell on earth, it is the answer that saved me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I apologize if I offended those who do not believe in a Creator or a spiritual realm outside of what we experience through our 5 senses, but this is a dire situation and from my personal experience of living in hell on earth, it is the answer that saved me.

Why appologize for what you believe in?

It might help you to understand why i am where i am with this if you read my entire, no holes in it, completely graphic story; found here (the first post of my diary):

Link Removed

I dont like to call it SRA, mostly due to the 80s and most of SRA claims being unfounded, my story is true. But it wasnt fully Santanic, he had his own bible.

There are bits of christianity all through my childhood, today driving by a church causes panic, you put me in one and you will see someone in complete mental break down.

My dad's dad was a Nazereene pastor, my dad & the entirty of his side of the family, hardcore fundlementalist christians....and i have NEVER in my life seen more judgemental, gossiping, seething nastiness, non-believing of my past and agree with, talk to, stick up for the only living one of my abusers, my mom, internet stalks me so they can print shit off that i say, pass around, gossip about and starts a shit load of drama.

That being said, if you read my story you'll read that i grew up in early yrs in a church, at 7 ish i was sexually abused by a pastor inside the church. At 13 while inside the cult i was "saved" at a Michael W Smith concert (still have no idea why i was allowed to go) and the lady that said the prayer over me and gave me the bible told me that "god will protect you" and at 13, i took that literal and so i prayed, wrote bible verses on the bathroom mirror and was punished for it, prayed, verses on bathroom mirror, punished. This went on for a few months and it all got worse and so i ripped that bible into the smallest little pieces possible (took a ton of rage to do that) and dove into the cult.

However, oddly enough, i was seeking refuage in a christian youth center in high school. Dropping hints like f*cking mad and all my mentor could tell me after meeting my mom & step dad was i was a constant complainer.

My thought of "god" now since its engrained in me "god told me to" and the cult bring called christianity, and not putting it on the hearts of those around me that something was wrong (understanding free will)? I would like to take a baseball bat to his f*cking head!

Do i believe there is a god, yes. Do i believe he gives a flying f*ck about me? Absolutly not. Maybe one day i will untwist it all in my head.

Every person needs to be shown unconditional love and compassion, especially a victim who has been scared out of their mind and abused beyond understanding.

This i agree with!

I have been able to take something from this thread and was able to turn this one self done ritual into something that is 'normal' finding a ton of emotions & pain around it and likely around all of my self done rituals and punishments.

You cant just tell me to 'accept god' first of all because the mind f*ck around 'god'; the way this is all twisted around in my head, it will take a VERY long time to untwist it.

How long, i have no idea. I gave up trying (about 6 months ago) to figure it all out when the last local pastor i was emailing went away. Probably the 20th pastor/wife that has gotten frustrated w/ me and ended up going away. Including my pastor cousin in law whom i came on to cuz its 'what im supposed to do'. f*ck it! I dont want to get it anyway. I gave up and decided i'll that out later once i figure me out a little more.

I havent a clue how to connect to people without sex & apparently doing a horrible job at it...

 

[Thomas Mariani]

Im sorry if theres a lot of typos, im shaking so bad, just woke up so cant see straight yet an...

Please don't hurt your self any more you've been hurt enough. Bless you, I hope sharing this has given you some peace.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sorry for the quote, cant tag a guest.

Please don't hurt your self any more you've been hurt enough. Bless you, I hope sharing this has given you some peace.

Cant promise that I wont hurt myself anymore (not yet anyway); my therapist doesnt ask me to stop, asks me why I did. But i can say that I havent done this ritual since I posted this.

I call that achivement! Especially since I didnt want to anyway and had no clue why I was.

Found a lot of emotions around it, Im guessing there is around all the self done rituals, but they are so far still too intense to go near. Tried to investgate them several times and when I do, its too much and my brain goes into "I need to numb" mode which means, to me, cutting or drugs or both...so ive just sorta changed it and kept that up and just let the emotions be, or just be there.

So far its worked.

Im very glad that I didnt give up my dog as last Sunday night i dont feel safe again, my dog being with me is the only way I can be ok in my house right now. Historically that has eased but owning a sweet but protective pitbull has helped. Being as muscluar as he is, I dont think anyone will even dare to 'mess' with me if he's with me. Only wish I could turn him into a therapy dog to be able to take him more places. My fear has gotten the best of me more than once.

Anyway, Thomas, thank you for caring about my well being! :hug: And since this has so far stopped, I have one less thing to 'punish' over...though I have a few times for doing it to begin with, its still one less thing and achievement. I have to believe one step in the right direction is one step to 'recovery' and one stopped ritual is one BIG victory to one day, hopefully, not being ruled by "them" anymore!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Lost, if anyone here is judging you, it's because they've forgotten what it feels like to be a victim.

I hope things have improved for you now. Hang in there, and remember, you're not alone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Mal Content thank you very much! :hug:

I think most dont and cant know what its like to have a brain that works on its own on auto piolit still ruled by the cult and how long that takes to change...unless they've been there.

Saying 'just stop' is like telling anyone here to 'just get over it' or 'just stop having flashbacks'. Its not a choice or anything i want to do, it just is, its always been and changing whats always been, turning my brain, basically inside out, is rather difficult to say the least and seems impossible (im learning its not impossible but seems that way).

Hell it took 7 yrs of therapy and craziness on here and Anthony asking me the one question I had to answer without any "buts" for blame to shift off of me (which could never have happened in therpy i dont think, too many walls are up in therapy)...to stop all of the rituals and punishments are gonna take a while. But this one is the one I wanted to stop the most and the fact I was able to, and still own my dog, makes me feel pretty proud of myself.

Thanks so much for your understanding! It helps a ton! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 33052]

We all carry our load of shit. Your burden is much heavier than mine, but we both came out of our respective traumas with PTSD. We ARE all in this together. As far as I'm concerned, our traumas bind us more tightly than blood bonds.

If your story bothers anyone, I think it's because of their own shame.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I am sorry that you are being mislead while you look for solutions to something other than what is perceived...

I think you'll find that those of us who are secular are quite tolerant. Our lack of belief doesn't cause us to be offended by your belief. :)

Yes, I'm generalizing. I know.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Your burden is much heavier than mine,

I dont see it this way, I see all burdens from trauma being equally heavy...like I dont like to trauma compare (ie: "my past was worse than yours") but I do understand what you mean.

I stopped searching for an active 'cult survivor' forum, they just dont exist. Not an active one anyway...or at least I couldnt find an active one.

But I find it helpful to ask for support of specific things that other can understand and relate to.

Im not sure if it was so triggering because of other's shame; I just think that there are specific burdens or issues (not finding the word im looking for) come from specific things that others cant understand because they didnt go through it.

Like, for example, I cant say "I know how you feel" if you have lost a child. How can i? I havent lost a child, or at least not in the way one would think.

So unless someone grew up in a cult, they cant possibly understand why one would re-do rituals, when they dont want to, know its wrong, want to stop but just dont know how to, judge & punish themselves for it, as an adult and now outside of the cult. And that's ok. Im glad they didnt have to go through it.

I was rather symptomatic when first replying to this thread when first posted but I did prove one thing; I didnt have to get rid of my very loved dog to stop doing the ritual.

But again, I understand that sorta knee jerk reaction or reply but in this case, out of sight out of mind doesnt work, it was done before I got him and it would of been done in a worse way if I got rid of him.

And I do love my dog as like anyone love's their pet and Im glad I could tackle this without loosing him!

Our lack of belief doesn't cause us to be offended by your belief.

I judge no one, especially religon.

Personally, I dont exactly lack it, its just all mixed up. Just dont push your belief on me and we're all good! ;)

Oh, my beautiful baby boy!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

He is a beauty. What's his name? I have two dogs and five cats (not sure what I was thinking, but I do love them) .

I hear what you're saying about understanding, but I'm not sure I need to lose a child to be able to feel the pain of someone who did. Nor do I need to be brainwashed by a cult (although I was, in fact, delivered into one by my father, but it was NOTHING like your experience) to understand the complete and utter mindf*ck you suffered. Make sense to you?