I can't remember

[Sideways]

My sister's like that:mad:

How? HOW does she just "remember" all those d@mn birthdays!?!

 

[Gadgie]

I know, I thought the same, as I'm the opposite, I can remember every film I've ever seen, sometimes just by hearing one line of dialogue, yet I'm absolutely hopeless at remembering birthdays and things like that?

 

[SeaQuel]

Thank you all so much for allowing me to talk and think through some of this. It's really helping.

In terms of my long-term memory, I think I'm realizing that maybe my memory is not as lacking as I thought. This discussion has forced me to think critically about specific memories and in fact there are a few times I've been able to recall having a vague sense of what my feeling/emotion was, which does tell me that I have some very small 3D memory ability. Unfortunately, the feeling/emotion is really just very vague and goes along with an equally vague snapshot image and maybe a general idea of something that was said. Also, even those memories are few and far between, and my timeline is still very fragmented.

I've also been trying to figure out what is what in terms of compartmentalization vs. memory issues. My therapist recently asked me a bunch of questions about a significant event in my life. It took me a really long and really roundabout way of trying to remember answers to those questions. I had put that event out of my mind (compartmentalization). As I'm typing this I'm remembering something my therapist said a while ago, which is that the reason I can't remember things like that is because it's trauma sequela. That's the same reason why when she's explaining something that strikes a core issue for me, it takes my brain a lot of effort to wrap my head around the concept and in some cases I can't remember what she said right afterwards. She's really great in that she says we can talk about it as much as I need to. Maybe I should get her to write some of her explanations down?

@Muse I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences, and thank you for sharing. It is so disorienting to have someone be so firm in their beliefs even when you know otherwise.

I couldn't retain them when they even did make sense due to my (I think) DID/severe PTSD.

I think I can understand this. Retention is definitely an issue for me, as I wrote about above.

I'm willing to share a little bit on how it might go if I do.

That would be great!

I have adapted my behaviour to accommodate this form of my "disability"

Thanks for the validation about memory issues being part and parcel of this disorder. I'm also a big list maker, and that helps for short term stuff, but what about for remembering your present life narrative? Do you also keep a diary of your life?

I can remember every film I've ever seen, sometimes just by hearing one line of dialogue,

That's amazing!

 

[Sideways]

I do journal pretty regularly - but that's useful for when I want to go back and remember an event because otherwise, no, I still don't have good long term memory. Since my big dramatic breakdown 7 years ago, the only way I can piece together any kind of narrative is by reference to journals, medical reports etc. When my T says things like; "I've been seeing you 5 years now", holy crap! It could've been 1 year if I had to guess off the top of my head.

Thing is, @Gadgie 's comment about movies doesn't surprise me. You know how there's those theories about the way kids learn - some are visual, some are auditory etc. I'm a "words" person. Stupid, insane ability to quote (literally) thousands of song lyrics and poems (and masses of quotes from my fave Shakespeare plays), despite my memory issues. If people had all their conversations with me in lyric-format, my memory problems would be over!

Mozart was an auditory guy, which is how, even when he was only 4, he could already write musical compositions and play the piano by ear alone. Some people are numbers people, like my sister, hence the birthdays thing. And if you pulled out the Games page of the newspaper, she'd do the Sudoku puzzle while I did the crossword!

 

[Ronin]

If people had all their conversations with me in lyric-format, my memory problems would be over!

That's a goal to do though, with what you've got.
Turning it into lyrics, yourself, for easier memorability?

(I know I remember things said & remember poems & remember better heavily metaphoric languages as they can get closer to visual thinking I'm doing with things on my own, so there's turning things I really want to remember from whatever current input is, to other input.)

 

[Ronin]

Why can't I remember all of my past life?

Part of that is though just natural functions of memory. Natural to forget, and the past being categorized as a past?
I know, it probably feels like you must have the past together, but part of the dealing is it'd rarely come like that even in the best organized recollections.

Because it's the past.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

It's self protection ..the forgetting I mean.. I've lost years in my timeline when things were real bad. The timeline often gets confusing on the memories I do have. The gaps will drive me nuts sometimes. I figure that was me before and this is now. Different people before PTSD and a different person after. Now is the only thing I can change.

 

[7Cs]

I have "snap shot" memories too. Most of them are like that and very sporadic. HUGE memory gaps. I can't remember any childhood birthdays, only one Christmas, etc. The gaps unfortunately have continued into adulthood. :( Over the years I've been able to build a "trauma timeline" with approximate ages and pretty close to chronologically. Lots of memory issues, I could go on and on but I can't remember them all ;)

 

[SashaB]

I have "snap shot" memories too. Most of them are like that and very sporadic. HUGE memory gaps. I can't re...

I am new here. It's taken me years to reach out and even feel comfortabl, like I have a right to be here on a site like this, seeking help. I have been diagnosed with ptsd. I have sought help in therapy on several occasions, but haven't stuck it out for long. I have emotional and physical flashbacks, but cannot remember enough details of any memories to allow me to trust my memories. I don't know how to accuse otherwise basically good people of things I can't even remember, especially when I'm the only one that seems to have this experience in my family, at least for the most part. Its easier to just think I'm crazy or have some mental illnesses or issues that I'm just weak and can't handle a lot of my emotions or a lot of connection with other people. Maybe not easier, but it seems less costly. Like if I'm just crazy, how can I put other people through those accusations? How can I believe my experiences when I don't have a for sure face to put with them or even memories? Maybe I just identified too well with characters on TV shows and I've made those stories my own?
I'm so good at succeeding and holding it together, but now that I'm really wanting to connect and be real and open, like willing to actually do all the work (because I've always wanted to be real always open), I can't keep up the facade anymore. I'm tired and hurting and I want to be strong and capable and fun.
I want to move on, I've wanted to for so long, but my habits of checking out, they get in the way and I don't know how to trust myself.

 

[TMK489]

I'm finding this forum pretty late, but I just wanted to thank everyone who posted, especially the original poster. I experience exactly what you described! It's so nice to see that someone else has the same difficulties. My timeline is so messed up; I am constantly asking for help from friends and family when trying to figure out when things happened. Things that happened 1 year ago might as well be 5 years ago. Seems to get harder as I get older too actually. As background, I was sexually abused repeatedly (don't know how many times or how long it lasted) between the ages of 10 and 12 (I honestly don't know how old I was). Once I told my mom, and she dealt with the guy, it was never spoken about in my house. I sometimes thought I'd made it up in my head. I think all of the secrecy and shoving it down really negatively impacted my memory. I also had a fairly traumatic childhood in other regards too, so looking back, I was probably in a constant state of stress/survival. Only in recent years, (I am 27) did I start experience what you are calling positive PTSD (I'll have to look that up). I have flashbacks and physical fear when I'm triggered. It's so frustrating feeling like I can't function like everyone else when it comes to memory. It makes me feel a little crazy when I have to really think about what month it is or how long ago something at work happened.

Anyway, thanks for the forum and letting me get my story out a bit; it helped me process things months after you all posted.