Just Need To Vent About This

[Casey_03]

Now that I'm close to my due date, all the doctors keep asking about "my husband." They all just assume I have a husband and the husband is going to be there for the delivery and is helping me out. It's really really difficult to navigate these conversations, because I feel like if I just say "I'm not married and the baby's father took off," that would make the conversation even MORE awkward and then I'd have to deal with looks of pity. But at the same time, this is only going to get worse, because I'm sure all the nurses at the maternity hospital will be asking the same things and constantly expecting my husband to show up. So frustrating. Today the doctor was telling me what to do in case I go into labor now, ahead of schedule. She said, "Oh just send someone to pick up these medical files while you go to the maternity hospital." I didn't even know how to say, "I have no one to send." I imagine it is going to be a million times worse at the maternity ward, where I will have no one to bring me food or anything else. I don't want to deal with the inevitable pity.

 

[scout86]

I'm not sure what then local culture's take on this kind of situation is and it matters at least a little. But, unless there's a good reason not to, I think you'd better be direct and up front about your situation right now because you're running out of time. If there are things they can do that will help you out, they need to KNOW that you need the help. Me? I'd just say, "I'm not married and he took off." and be done with it. Pity? So what? It's only going to be a thing if you buy into it yourself. There's a difference between "pity" and "sympathy" isn't there? You could USE a little sympathy and I think you need as many local people on your side and lined up to help as you can get. You can't start any earlier. (And I'm surprised this didn't come up WAY before now.)

So, I think your best course is to suck it up and accept pity along with the help, if that's the way it has to be. There's a certain appeal to the whole "I did it all by myself, there's no one I can depend on" kind of thing. There's a certain pathology to it sometimes too. (Been there, done that, and still struggle with the impulse a LOT.) Now would be a great time to start practicing asking for help.

When's the due date? Every time a day goes by and I don't see a post from you, I wonder if you're in the hospital and how things are going. Are you going to be able to email us from the delivery room? Because you KNOW there's an international group that would like to be able to be sitting in the waiting room, waiting. :hug:

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Casey,

Being on the receiving end of pity is awful, but you are so not the first mother-to-be left.
Having spent time working in hospitals, I can tell you that astute professionals can be very helpful once they understand your situation.

It will be far easier for you if you tell someone you trust what is going on. Until you do, they will assume you have people to help you. Not telling them will add, unnecessarily, to the burdens and suffering you're already going through.

Scout's post is perfect!

 

[Casey_03]

@scout86 The really annoying thing is I actually had told my doctor this before, at least a few times, but she has apparently forgotten. The system here is really quite strange -- you basically have one doctor up until 36 weeks, for prenatal stuff, and then you have to find a new one at the 36 week mark. They won't let you sign a contract any earlier, so you end up not actually knowing the doctor responsible for the birth. I find it to be a really terrible system. But anyway, that's why I am now encountering new nurses/doctors, because the prenatal place is going into overdrive to have all my paperwork ready and tests done. I'm not due for another month but am considered "the highest risk" category because I am having major kidney problems. My doctor said if my kidney gets worse to expect an early delivery, in two weeks. And yeah, you have a good point about me needing sympathy. I guess it bothers me because I know it is a cultural thing here to sort of judge single mothers, presumably for getting pregnant out of wedlock. But the worst they can do is judge me in their minds, I guess, I don't think they'd be rude enough to actually say anything to my face .... so you are right, I will try to let myself relax and enjoy whatever extra help I get. I will need it -- the maternity hospital doesn't allow food deliveries! I was so counting on that.

 

[scout86]

The system here is really quite strange

"Strange" is putting it mildly! I think we can add one more to the list of health care systems that are even worse than ours! Good luck with the transition to a new set of health care folk. That would freak me out totally and this is a poor time for that kind of stress. But, you not only CAN manage, you have to. For what it's worth, you're in my thoughts!

 

[Kailani]

Unfortunately not all information relayed to medical personnel gets relayed and if it does sometimes the staff are too busy to read through the chart cuz they are busy doing for the person. So many people have no significant other, you are not alone!!! I had a friend pregnant with triplets and the guy, not sure if husband took off on her; she did it though and raised them! I would ask about resources available in the community; give them a job to call social work instead of giving you pity. I am writing a paper on infant mortality and morbidity and found sooooo many resources are available in the community for single moms but people are unaware of how to access and these resource providers struggle with how to advertise. Calling the insurance company gave me lots of info and just driving around and stopping in at pregnancy looking places. Head start has programs, many people offer free diapers, formula, clothing for baby and mom and have lists of other resources! Keep looking! Just cuz the jerk left you doesn't mean you are alone; there is the community! We care here and want the best for you and your baby!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"I'm not married and the baby's father took off," that would make the conversation even MORE awkward

Why? It happens all the time, at least here in the States. Even invetro is common now, **clears throat** google "Octo-Mom"....

One can just have a one night stand and get prego...have Drs there forgotten how this all works? Seriously? Unsure if its not "proper" there to he preg and not be married but Id say very firmly either "Its none of your business but no" or just "no". Like do they see a wedding ring? Id ask them that. Im direct like that when it its professionals not acting professional.

At Subway, where they are all touching your food, some guy wasnt wearing gloves...oh i made him make that sandwich, everything on it just right and wrap it up and everything and then i said "now throw that away, wash your hands and put gloves on and make my real sandwich and i want your manager". Serves him right!

Anyway, Id just simply say "no" and leave it be. That avoids that you arent married but answers their question. If they insist on knowing why and you dont want to tell the asshat ran off like a woose id make something up, like "oh he's out of country for buisness" or some shit but me id be real with them. "What gave you the idea that you have to be married to f*ck someone"? Ok maybe not that real lol.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:You've gotten some SUPER advice! Maybe when you tell the staff you aren't married...you could add that you are lucky he ran off before he had a chance to bond with your baby. You TRULY are! Better to find out that he's a jerk early in the baby's life.
I assure you that in labor and delivery they have seen EVERYTHING, including young teenagers on their second or more pregnancies!

You are BRAVE, and don't forget that! You are keeping the baby, and I sense you will be a good mother, especially without a leech around.
Blessings to you and your baby. Being a mom is the MOST rewarding experience EVER! Tiring, but when the baby looks into your eyes, with the most LOVING LOOKS, you will feel like you are on the top of world, and you WILL be!

:hug:AKJ:hug:

 

[anonymous]

Being a mom is the MOST rewarding experience EVER! Tiring, but when the baby looks into your eyes, with the most LOVING LOOKS, you will feel like you are on the top of world, and you WILL be!

I feel so guilty because Im envious because I can't have children and even adopting is out.

Im happy for you @Casey_03, very happy for you and you will be a great mum! I'm just sad that I can't experience it, pick out baby clothes, pick out a colour of the room, a name. I will just never experience this.

Does having envy but being happy for you at the same time make me a horrible person?

 

[scout86]

Does having envy but being happy for you at the same time make me a horrible person?

No

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:Anonymous :hug:
It does NOT make you a bad person at all! I would feel the same way. I thought I couldn't have children and that's exactly how I felt!

There are places to volunteer, just to rock babies....is there a chance of that???:hug:
You can IM me...anytime!

 

[Casey_03]

Anonymous, not at all. I actually feel like a jerk for posting all this stuff and complaining without thinking about the fact that some people can't have kids ... I'm sorry. I don't know what your circumstances are but I hope you can find some way to experience motherhood anyway ... even if it is just as a godmother.