1 Step Forward...100 Steps Back

[asdfghjkl]

I went to a training class two days ago. I was looking forward to starting something new getting out of isolation and meeting new people. The instructor patronized me. I told on of the facilitators that I have ptsd on intake, so I think she was talking to me like I was nine years old for that reason. She looked like someone from my past that played a part in torture, and violating my human rights.

I thought I was getting better and could go start progressing. I feel a certain amount of guilt and social pressure to do more to be good enough. I was so dissociated after she triggered me. When I was going home I felt so hyper vigilant. I went and saw my therapist yesterday. She told me not to go back. I couldn't even talk properly in my session. I kept jumping from one thing to the next. I hallucinated last night. I woke up last night feeling like I don't want to be alive anymore.

I'm so embarrassed of all my problems. I'm so tired of being judged for not being good enough because I am poor, yet having to deal with all the trust/relationship issues with humanity. I'm losing me faith. someone I knew went and shot himself in front of his dad earlier this year..I understand why..it's saying "you win..i am a piece of nothing." I feel like it is me against the world and no one can be reasonable. I have one other option and that is to move to another country in 2014 .I will be away from the harassment/embarrassment and hatred of everyone thinking that i'm a diseased freak. I going to repair and hopefully make plans because I feel like it's not worth it anymore. There I no justice.

 

[arfie]

Gentle hugs, asdfghjkl with calming hopes.

I have never been able to accomplish an accurate personal inventory while I am triggered. It is tough to get through at all. While I am in episode, I do not possess the objectivity to see much of anything clearly. I, too, find it hard to believe in justice while I am triggered. That feeling of being a diseased freak rules at such times.

But it is a feeling, not a fact. Hang in there, asd. Feelings change squarely as water flows. You are not alone.

 

[greenleaf]

There are a ton of people without (or sometimes with) ptsd who have issues about ptsd; that trainer was showing her own issues, and being harmful, unprofessional and ignorant in the process. A lot of people like her seem actually quite afraid of identifying with trauma victims/survivors.

I think it's hard to know who to trust sometimes; I had a few similar very bad experiences so I sort of try to figure out a person's trustworthiness beforehand. Of course sometimes that's not possible, like in a group...

It's hard to figure out how to do this subtly... I think I tend to feel a bit more trust in that direction for people who are empathetic to people different from them, or maybe who are not afraid of the fact that they themselves could have been victimized too, or maybe they have been through something themselves or know someone who was... I think the person has to have a certain emotional courage about their own lives. But if the person isn't going to be supportive for whatever reason, all my wishing won't make it true.

 

[Promicarus]

I know exactly how you feel. I too have suffered a lifetime of difficulties due to the difference in my cultural background from that of my country of residence. My heart goes out to you, as I can't imagine actual torture, or recovering afterward. It's no wonder the world seems like a cruel place full of cruel people, after experiencing someone capable of something like that. I think I would never look at people the same afterwards--always be thinking in terms of wondering whether everyone I set eyes on was secretly capable of something such as that. I think you're very brave for insisting upon joining such classes, and placing yourself in unknown groups of strangers, even after such an experience. Many have anxiety issues which are prohibitive to just that, without ever having endured something as severe as you have.

I can understand why your therapist would suggest you not go back. It's out of obvious concern for your well-being, after all. If you were affected that badly, so as to hallucinate and have difficulty finishing sentences, then the experience was profoundly disturbing.

But if it were me, and my physical symptoms weren't so overwhelming that I could tolerate the prospect--I would go back to the class, and just make a point of shouting defiantly at the person responsible until I was thrown out of class. You were going to discontinue it anyway, after all--but that way, you feel vindicated, as though you've stood up for yourself rather than remaining a victim. I'm sure most would see something like that as childish. And maybe it is. But I've found that, at least at some point, better sooner than later, that energy has to begin to flow in some direction other than back inwards, upon myself, becoming compounded again and again. But that's just me. You and your therapist know you best, of course.

There are trauma discharging exercises, outlined in the book "Waking the Tiger" They've helped reduce my most dramatic, physical symptoms quite a bit.

Be well, and keep hope alive. I'm glad you're thinking in terms of moving to somewhere more tolerable. That can make a big difference, and shows you have your sight fixed upon positive changes and the future.

I'm glad you've found a forum like this, where you can expect to be understood. And I, too

 

[ms spock]

I went to a training class two days ago. I was looking forward to starting something new getting out of isolation and meeting new people.

Do you think it might be too much too soon. Do something that is nice like a craft or walking or something that doesn't put you in the spotlight straight away.

I thought I was getting better and could go start progressing.

And you are probably getting better but expected too much too soon. Baby steps.

I feel a certain amount of guilt and social pressure to do more to be good enough.

You are not alone on that front though.

I went and saw my therapist yesterday. She told me not to go back. I couldn't even talk properly in my session. I kept jumping from one thing to the next.I woke up last night feeling like I don't want to be alive anymore.

You have to pace yourself and not take on too much too soon.

I'm so embarrassed of all my problems. I'm so tired of being judged for not being good enough because I am poor, yet having to deal with all the trust/relationship issues with humanity.

You are pretty hard on yourself - ease up a bit and give yourself some breathing space. I am poor too. It is hard. But most people are so busy with their own lives that they don't really notice our lives.

I have one other option and that is to move to another country in 2014 .I will be away from the harassment/embarrassment and hatred of everyone thinking that i'm a diseased freak. I going to repair and hopefully make plans because I feel like it's not worth it anymore.

Um you might want to hold off on making big changes in your life until you are calmer and have settled down. When we move we take our problems with us. So perhaps best sit tight and work on some stuff and settle yourself down before you make any big changes.

There I no justice.

Some people get justice and some people don't. I didn't get justice and that is sad but you can still have some good times despite the justice thing.

Ease up on yourself and be a little kinder to yourself and not so judgemental of yourself.