12 Step Sponsor-PTSD-BPD

[SjMel]

I have been in a severe state of disregulation. I've attempted to work with a 12 step sponsor in my recovery.

I tried... I have so many things that work against my recovery. There's PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Autism Spectrum.

The way I process is not "normal" I'm in the process of trying to unravel the complex nature of my recovery journey. Which is my disability, which is part of my BPD, and what are my character defects that I can change.

When it comes to BPD - character defects are rooted in extreme abandonment issues. I don't use people as verbal punching bags not unless they insult me and treat me like crap then I might explode. I typically turn inward not outward. So I guess I've been in the process of imploding.

As someone on the autism spectrum side I process things differently. It might not be communicated in a way the other can understand or appreciate. I don't expect people to know everything but if you don't understand how the one you sponsor processes things how can you be an effective sponsor? It seems to me this "sponsor" was just looking for a way out. She really didn't want to understand how I was processing things in my recovery. Like all she wanted to deal with was just Co-Dependency issues. You can't easily compartmentalize everything in your recovery. Some things I think might be PTSD related or BPD related could be Co-Dependent related. With the root problem of Borderline Personality Disorder being about abandonment wounding, there's a reason why people with BPD become Co-Dependent.

Then mix in PTSD and what emotional disregulation that occurs is experienced ten times stronger... And with Autism Spectrum Disorder I have to understand the psychology, share my experiences, and use stories, and listen to stories. I need to understand the root of my problems in order to find resolve. But if you come at me saying I'm labeling myself and that my autism is because of vaccines... I don't know. All I know is that I found a really helpful video for me in my recovery and somehow she thought I was focusing on her maybe she was focusing too much on herself. and I suppose then it's easy to assume that somebody else is focusing on them. I mean, half my problem is that I think everything has to do with me.

I don't do well when people abandon me. People don't seem to understand how valuable it is for people to just be willing to listen and be present.

I suppose the only Sponsor I will ever have will be the kind of Sponsor I pay. It seems to me that the only one with the capacity to be my sponsor is a therapist but ironically you don't need to be a therapist or feel like you have to contribute in anything. Just listen. Get to understand how I process instead of just shaming me because I don't process the same way as they do.

So it's no wonder I get emotionally disregulated. I get legit hurt. Then my core wounding gets triggered. People hurt in relationship find healing in relationship. If everyone walks away from me, rejects me, or uses me, how can that not hurt? How can I find healing when healing is found in relationship and here I am in complete isolation because nobody f'n cares enough to stick around.

 

[KA60]

Not sure if thus helps but the term character defects is derogatory to me. In my trauma recovery I had to come to grips with the transmission of transgenerational trauma in my family of origion and why they covered up abuse. So if you have trauma and can learn to refrain things establish boundaries filters etc what is a character defect really? I had help with spiritual trauma recovery too. I think the things you may be dealing are very complex. I have codependency issues too so concepts of that recovery are helpful. For me asking God or the divine or whatever or whoever anchors you spiritually is a presence I can let go to if I have mo business trying to control something or someone I should not. Do you have another therapist besides this one?

 

[KA60]

Can you research spiritual bypassing to see if you can get some help or info from this? Trauma recovery involves managing our reactions and responses and understanding that some people and things are just toxic unhealthy so we work on deciding it that remains in our lives.

 

[SjMel]

Not sure if thus helps but the term character defects is derogatory to me. In my trauma recovery I had to come to grips with the transmission of transgenerational trauma in my family of origion and why they covered up abuse. So if you have trauma and can learn to refrain things establish boundaries filters etc what is a character defect really? I had help with spiritual trauma recovery too. I think the things you may be dealing are very complex. I have codependency issues too so concepts of that recovery are helpful. For me asking God or the divine or whatever or whoever anchors you spiritually is a presence I can let go to if I have mo business trying to control something or someone I should not. Do you have another therapist besides this one?

I don't define myself by what I do so in that sense character defect is not having anything to do with who I am, but in what I do. So it would only be derogatory if it's a stab against you as a person directed at unchangeable traits and meant to be discriminatory or racist or something to that degree. Character traits can change based on many factors and character defects are self directed. So basically you form your own opinions on what you belief is a defect of character ie a behaviour that you yourself believe can be changed and you yourself define to what degree. So for the sake of conversation in reference to me, I will use character defect or defect in character. I won't be directing that comment in any other direction but towards me. And since I don't define who I am based on what I do or don't do it's not a term I find derogatory for me. Out of respect to you and others if you wish to use a different terminology in reference to whatever character traits you believe can and should change, I will let you define that for yourself. As for me, it gets overly complicated if I try to appease everyone and try and keep in mind everyone elses emotional state and sensibilities and since I can't read anybody's mind, I am bound to make someone upset because I didn't word things exactly how they would. So for me, character defects make sense and I'd rather use that terminology vs writing a whole paragraph in the hopes of trying to make others feel comfortable in and around my struggles and how I choose to process through it.

 

[SjMel]

Not sure if thus helps but the term character defects is derogatory to me. In my trauma recovery I had to come to grips with the transmission of transgenerational trauma in my family of origion and why they covered up abuse. So if you have trauma and can learn to refrain things establish boundaries filters etc what is a character defect really? I had help with spiritual trauma recovery too. I think the things you may be dealing are very complex. I have codependency issues too so concepts of that recovery are helpful. For me asking God or the divine or whatever or whoever anchors you spiritually is a presence I can let go to if I have mo business trying to control something or someone I should not. Do you have another therapist besides this one?

So what is a character defect? In continuation to what I just posted in response... a character defect is a character trait an individual comes to believe is counterproductive to their recovery. So, one character defect could be manipulation even if the underlining root to the behaviour is the fear of abandonment. Another character defect would be shouting at other people, or using other people to make yourself feel better. Another character defect could be superiority complex, the belief that you are better than others and smarter than others and that you alone have the answers to world problems. These character defects is all about character traits that are not in alignment with ones own moral and ethical standards, whatever the individual defines them as.

What character defects are not - character defects are not struggles related to disability and traits related to what things are about a person that cannot change. For example, a person with schizophrenia would not define hearing voices as a character defect. A person with Borderline Personality Disorder would not define their imaginary thoughts however much they are perceived to be real being defined as a character defect. For example, my tendency to sabotage good and healthy relationships by ghosting the other, that is a character defect. An inner feeling that is this belief that I am going to get hurt is not a character defect. That underlining fear is based on a mental health struggle based on thoughts that have become distorted because of trauma. Those thoughts and fears are not character defects. Using people as emotional punching bags are character defects because there is nothing that can excuse verbal, emotional, and physical abuse of another just because you have this unbearable fear of abandonment.

 

[SjMel]

Not sure if thus helps but the term character defects is derogatory to me. In my trauma recovery I had to come to grips with the transmission of transgenerational trauma in my family of origion and why they covered up abuse. So if you have trauma and can learn to refrain things establish boundaries filters etc what is a character defect really? I had help with spiritual trauma recovery too. I think the things you may be dealing are very complex. I have codependency issues too so concepts of that recovery are helpful. For me asking God or the divine or whatever or whoever anchors you spiritually is a presence I can let go to if I have mo business trying to control something or someone I should not. Do you have another therapist besides this one?

Lastly, the issue isn't with any therapist other than, WCB paying the therapist means that the therapist may be more motivated to do only enough to remove liability from them and not necessarily doing anything that is in the best interest of the individual that WCB sends the injured worker to.

I had my own Psychiatrist I got referred to by my GP who has placed his assessment and recommendations.
I have my own personal counsellor who is just writing an observational before/after accident report on how I function.

WCB is sending me to one of their Psychologists and have entered me into their PTSD program. Since I can't afford this therapy myself, I have to go to one of their therapy programs. This is especially true is I have a hope to gaining wage loss benefits for PTSD.

The problem I had was with my so-called Sponsor who placed too much on herself and who failed to understand how I process and what I need in order to process my trauma and character defects and do the work of discerning between the two. This Sponsor obviously did not want to walk with me through this process as she didn't give me the time or day to understand how it is I process. So, in the end, because she failed to understand how I process and didn't care to understand she just assumed that I was focusing on her and not me focusing on myself. Part of how I process is to understand. If I don't understand how BPD, PTSD, and AuDHD impact me negatively I can't really discern which are part of my character defects and which are the result of a disability I have no control over.

I was talking to a friend who also has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and she pointed me towards a affordable online counselling platform. I will be utilizing a paid counsellor to process my steps and to help me discern between what is part of my disability and mental illness, and what areas in my life I can change that might allow for healthier relating. Maybe there is no "Sponsor" because few are in a position to be able to walk with a person that has BPD especially one that has BPD plus PTSD plus AuDHD. When a Sponsor can simply listen they don't need to be a therapist. They can just listen, ask questions, and utilize what they don't know to their advantage by asking their sponsee clarifying questions to help themselves understand better. But if the way you Sponsor makes it necessary to turn your sponsor into a mini me you have failed your sponsee. Maybe I am in this position to help create a positive change in the world of 12 Step recovery which leads me to one question, if you find character defect a derogatory comment, how would you define character flaws? Would you say the term character flaws are also derogatory? How would you define character traits that are negative and can and should change if the desired outcome is for healthier relationships?

 

[SjMel]

Can you research spiritual bypassing to see if you can get some help or info from this? Trauma recovery involves managing our reactions and responses and understanding that some people and things are just toxic unhealthy so we work on deciding it that remains in our lives.

I don't know what you mean by this. Can you please elaborate?

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @SjMel Welcome to the site. Sorry for the reasons your here but glad you found us. I have a history of complex trauma depression and anxiety.

 

[KA60]

I am sorry I made the post. It seems to have caused more issues with you. I have nothing that can help