6 Months After The Episode And Something Seems Horribly Wrong

[DontTurnOutTheLight]

Hi....

Basically, I was seduced and duped into a relationship by a psychopath, and the 18 month relationship ended when he dumped and discarded me on Valentines Day.

The relationship was hell...

But there's something so wrong. This brings me so much shame. I haven't heard from my psychopath in 7 months and probably never will again. His abuse was so so twisted, he was 29 years older than me and his abuse was completely perverted. The sort of stuff you would see in a very twisted psychological thriller. Anyway, the matter is this: he is no more and I will probably never see him again but him and the abuse are on my mind 24/7 and I have let my friends believe I'm still in contact with him. They think that him and I have been in contact at times over these last 6 months. I can't let him and the trauma go. I kept it a secret at the time but now it is over I tell my closest friends about the darkest things that happened during the relationship as though they didn't happen months ago but as if they had happened today. I keep the old photos of him and I together up on my social media accounts. I keep his number on speed dial.

What is wrong with me? I'm not delusional. I know I haven't spoken to him. But I keep saying that I have. It seems to ease the pain a little. My friends say 'if you went No Contact with him you would get over him'...little do they know him and I have had no contact in months.

I feel so bad writing this. I'm scared I'll never ever get better. Please please help. I feel like I have trouble relating to people now and that nobody understands. I think about suicide all time...my mind has become my own worst enemy, it feels as though the abuse is forever. It has stopped in every way except in my mind. I have become physically ill :(

 

[joeylittle]

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you could use some help with detaching yourself. It's not unheard of, to become attached to an abuser.

I'm sorry you are struggling.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Sounds like some form of Stockholm Syndrome. Infatuation with your abuser. http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

 

[Friday]

I have let my friends believe I'm still in contact with him. They think that him and I have been in contact at times over these last 6 months. I can't let him and the trauma go. I kept it a secret at the time but now it is over I tell my closest friends about the darkest things that happened during the relationship as though they didn't happen months ago but as if they had happened today.

My friends say 'if you went No Contact with him you would get over him'...little do they know him and I have had no contact in months.

Truth won't guarantee good advice, but lies will guarantee bad advice.

 

[DontTurnOutTheLight]

Stockholm Syndrome, I don't know...maybe. Or maybe not. I just don't know

 

[joeylittle]

Stockholm Syndrome usually won't be seen coupled with such a negative description of the abuse as you've given here. You are clearly describing his behavior as sick, sociopathic, twisted.

It's possible you are stuck in ruminating over the experience and are using some maladaptive behaviors to cope (that would be the lying about being together).

It would have been an intense experience. I'd strongly strongly suggest getting therapy ASAP. The sooner you do, the easier it will be to untangle the trauma, the less you will suffer.