A bully´s dream :(

[Carmen1]

thank you guys. Wedell pointed me to the thread of stuffed animals (SO good) and i got inspired to get one for me, what a great idea! also my little angel can take a break from all my cuddling XD I always saw he is like a live stuffed animal but i cant always treat him like a doll, he is an animal, even though very much a lap dog, but still needs his independence at times.
Definitely get one Niki! maybe even adopt? must be very rewarding to feel like we are of service <3

xo have a nice night

 

[Mach123]

I just think the tilte is hysterical even though it's so perfectly applicable to me. Walking around with a sign stuck on my back that says kick me. I haven't had to go around the men for years now and it's been so much easier. Men are nice and if you want one to kick you they'll usually oblige. (not picking on men, it's not gender specific but) It's kinda another way to describe battered women's syndrome which I have except I can't because I'm a man. My wife was very abusive for years but I've sort of talked her out of it? Ive talked her out of the idea that I want to be abused. It was really hard because I'd taught her how to do it or I let her IDK which? I've worked a lot on the symptoms and triggers and I've worked hard on trying to forgive myself for it.

I know that CSA made me like that. It's so ingrained though, it's not like you can just shut it off. I'm always doing things I think are "different" or that mean I'm "better." You always wonder though. Should I expend all the effort just to realize I "worked" myself right back into the same old place?

 

[Carmen1]

Seems like through hard work you managed some issues. How did you manage to convince your wife to change? im curious.

Im barely beginning therapy. Im guessing my body language gives it away and working on it, but what i noticed is talking about it and being open created some changes on a deeper level that made a shift much mor epowerful than any concious efforr to "act normal" if that makes any sense.

After 2 days in isolation i find myself back in avoidance so forcing myself to go to an event today, I realize i need to challenge myself to keep this momentum going. Since therapy has worn off, im predicting some disaster. Ugh.

 

[hithere]

I can relate to what you experienced as well. Becoming self-aware is really helpful. Also learning what "bitter expectations" I have -- I didn't realize I was expecting bullies, and so I heard bullying when it didn't exist. But you couldn't tell my traumatised brain that, but slowly it became aware just as you explained here. Best Wishes. REally sorry you had a tough night after your first session. Hang in there.

 

[NIKI]

After 2 days in isolation i find myself back in avoidance so forcing myself to go to an event today

I hope you were able to accomplish your goal and it went well for you. :)

 

[Carmen1]

yes but did get into a facebook fght with someone i barely know. what bothers me is im not sure if im justified when i attack people. I feel like my antennas dont work well or i overreact. I just really dont want to be disrespected, but i feel i do it wrong and then people are ust like whoa . other people know how to get respect in a classy way. I just see red and that contrbutes to more isolation. rant of the day i guess!