A Day I Just Need To Get Through

[Nicky31]

Since being forced to make a choice and being kicked out of home 10 years ago, the relationship with my sister has been difficult. I raised her from the age of twelve- she was eight, I cared for her during our nine month abduction in a strange country thousands of miles away from anywhere or anyone and protected her from the abuse that I then experienced when we returned home. Sometimes I now wish I'd let her experience some of the brunt of it so she might be able to see from my perspective.

So since leaving home it's been almost impossible to have contact with her as it maintains a link between myself and my abusers who I am still fearful of. She is still living at home. I have felt her slip away from me and now I have watched her become someone angry and twisted. However I still grieve for the loss of her as I feel lilke a parent to her. It seems it's always me that makes the contact and then I'm devastated for days afterward as she now seems so distant and I can't tell her how I really feel as she wouldn't understand. I've put myself through torture needlessly, but the yearning for contact with her has remained.

A couple of months ago she text me to say she'd passed her nursing exams and to look her results up online. I did this and couldn't find her.... then I did. I sat at the laptop with my boyfriend and read a old familiar name, the name of my father. I couldn't understand why she was using a name that we had not used for nearly twenty years. It bothered and distressed me for a week and then I went online again. I searched births, deaths and marriages and there it was... my parents had remarried 5 years ago and were both living with my sister.

I was truly devastated to know that two abusers could aknowledge what each had done but say "it's alright" and that my sister has known this for five years and not thought to mention it to me.

It's my sisters birthday today. A day that I found hellish last year. I decided after finding out how she had betrayed me that I would no longer have contact with her. It is too much for me and now. I feel let down by the last person there was. I reaffirmed my decision a couple of weeks ago that I would not send her anything or make contact today, and I haven't. I've thought about her, but that's it. I'm still in too much pain to write to her and explain my decision, but I hope one day I will be able to do this for her as much as me.

I'm trying to keep myself busy today. but having had such an awful past few days with my PTSD symptoms, it's all I can do to fight off the sadness and self destructive thoughts I have. I just wanted to share it with any of you who may have had to do similar things to cope. I would also add that my abuse and early experiences aren't the thing that triggered my PTSD, but the more I learn the more I think I could possibly have CPTSD, but that's for another day.

Thanks for reading this

Nicky

 

[a3a2]

Nicky,

I am sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. This is a rough day for you, but it is my hope and prayer that many better days lie ahead.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Nicky,

Many of us here on the forum have had to walk away from family, because the were too toxic. It's hard, and we do understand.......Hang in there, and vent all you need. It's isn't easy, it never is when it's family, but it can get better.......

 

[Butterlamb]

Nicky

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. I too have pushed away many people who were not quite family but more of a second family to me and I have not had contact with them for many years now because I felt that they too betrayed me by maintaining a bond with my abuser instead of me.

I hope you get a good nights sleep and i look forward chatting with you tomorrow
Butterlamb:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Manic11]

Nicky,

Thank you for sharing this with us!

I'm sorry for all you've experienced and had to go through but you're so strong and you've given me such hope and support when I need it. Remember how I said we should hang onto each other? Grab my hand! We're all here for you.

I hope you're feeling better now. Do something nice for yourself. You definitely deserve it. :Hug_emoticon:

Manic

 

[Nicky31]

Many, many thanks for your thoughts and sharign those with me.

A3a2, I hope you are right. That was indeed my focus when I started to rebuild my life a decade a go, but it has been so tough and I have to say that I have been feeling "why did this have to happen to me?" since developing PTSD. It has felt that all the hard work on building that new life has been washed away and the thought of having to start from scratch and taking another 10 years to get back to where I was is crushing.

She Cat I have found such wonderful support here since discovering the forum at the weekend. I feel better just knowing that I can come here to "vent" or let peeople know how I am and learn more in addition to supporting others. The difference here is being "heard". Thank you for "hearing" me.

Lamb, there is comfort in knowing that others appreciate the loss that can be felt and that deep sense of betrayal. I have felt that wth so many people, as I am sure many of us here have. It's a word I see on the threads quite a lot. Since losing my family and in more recent years, I have started to build my own with true friends who invest in the relationship equally to me. Each year I hold a Christmas dinner for my "friend family" usually about 12 of us. That's my Christmas dinner and it's wonderful getting them all together to share time with each other. I hope that whereever you find support and safety now, that you can go on to grow and be happy. You are already working so hard. I'm proud and I bet your bf will be.

Manic, I'm holding your hand :) Thanks for being there. You are a legend! I'm feeling ok, stronger today and hoping to maintain the good days, but I know now that when it all starts slipping that you will all be here. Yes, doing something nice for myself. My best friend bought me an astronomy magazine last night. I'm not a professional but I just love looking up there. There is a feature on what to see this month. I might spend a bit of me-time out in the garden tonight looking up and then have a lovely bath.

With love, Nicky:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Manic11]

Good for you, Nicky! Don't be afraid to do something nice for yourself all the time! Glad you're feeling better. :Hug_emoticon:

Manic

 

[onebravegirl]

Hi Nicki,
I think I can understand how you feel. I hope that you got through the day OK. I am very estranged from my sister. She is six years older than me. As soon as she was married she dropped her family cold and went to make a life for herself far away. Leaving me behind to live with my abusive parents. It is 20 years later and she still will have no contact with me but does have constant contact with our father the primary abuser. It took me a long time to come to peace with this. But then I realized that she never left home in her head. She is still in survival mode. She still relies on my father to be her thoughts. She never had someone diagnose her PTSD, never had a Therapist help her through it all and learn to make sense of what we survived. She may not even want too. She has become complacent in her bitterness and blame. A true victim of her upbringing because she is now a part of it all. I let her go now. We may have started out on the same road, but like Robert Frost said;
"Two roads diverged in a wood...I chose the one less traveled and that has made all the difference".
I have since met many other people who I now call my sisters. I have adopted new Mothers and Fathers and even Big brothers. I grew up ,left home and created my own family, and I love them dearly. I deserve that, and so do you.:Hug_emoticon:
O

 

[Nicky31]

Hello O and anyone else reading this

I managed to get through my sisters birthday without even crying. That's the first time in ten years. However your e-mail brought tears to me eyes. I was the one who left my little sister behind, and it has been tough to fight the guilt of that and deal with the feelings of loss that I have had for her.

Her betrayal has been incredibly painful, because I expected better from her and always had the hope that one day she would come back to me. I now realise that this hope was misguided and naieve. I have been able to let her go now. After years of just hoping, I have been given the reason to finally let her do her own thing. Perhaps more importantly, I have given myself the permission for me to do my own thing and not hold on for her.

Like you, I have worked hard to build trusting and respectful relationships, sisterships and have a surrogate mother in the making, which is nice. I am glad that you have found peace O and loving people that you can trust and feel safe with. It is so important and overdue to you. :smile:

Nicky

 

[onebravegirl]

:Hug_emoticon:
O