A Hot Mess

[Michele Janes]

So the title aptly describes me. Which is both a good and a bad thing, depending on the day ;) My name is Michele and I have had ptsd or complex-ptsd for most of my life. Ridiculously traumatic childhood, filled with sexual and physical abuse, emotional neglect...whole nine yards. This all culminated with my little sister being tragically killed in a car accident, followed by my brother's suicide six months later. (Important side note* I was sitting in the next room when my brother shot himself, making me the first to discover his body). Sooo...that is my trauma in a nutshell. Kinda scary for me even typing this. Living with ptsd has been a crazy and educational ride and I am doing my best to learn how to manage it in the healthiest ways possible. Don't always get it right, but I am most definitely a fighter :ninja:

 

[intothelight]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Making that first post is extremely scary, and it definitely takes a fighting spirit to battle this disorder.

This site has great information, ideas and best of all the support of other people who are fighting the same battle.

Take care and looking forward to hearing more from you.
Debbie

 

[Gamereign555]

Welcome. That is quite a big nutshell. A lot of us here have childhood trauma followed by loss and other things. You sound like you have a strong will out of all this. I look forward to reading your posts if your so inclined, or chatting with you if you want. There is also a lot of educational stuff here to read that has been recently updated, in addition the experiences and thoughts of us members.

 

[Michele Janes]

That is a big nutshell isn't it? There's all kinds of details I can fit in there but I think I'll save those for later. I do believe that this site will give me the support and understanding I have lacked in battling this disorder. It can be a very lonely disease to be burdened with at times. I would say what I am struggling with most at the moment is the constant state of hypervigilance my body is in. But I did just have a major trigger a few weeks ago and am aware that this is an automatic response my body has. Waitin' it out, hoping I will settle down soon. Sometimes it's so stinkin frustrating. Just wears me out, makes me all pissy.

On a lighter note, thank you for the welcome. I look forward to being a part of this forum!

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome to the forum plucky Michele Janes... I just love your statement, "Living with ptsd has been a crazy and educational ride and I am doing my best to learn how to manage it in the healthiest ways possible. Don't always get it right, but I am most definitely a fighter."

Hold that thought girlfriend and welcome to the best support system (and most educational one) I've ever had. Great people and a wealth of experiences here.

 

[wcdean]

I'm glad to see that you feel a little more at ease, at least today. Now you have a place where you don't have to hide, even when you feel like you need to. Those are definitely some big shoes and the piece with your sister strikes a particular chord with me, as the survivor of a fatal car accident.

I'm glad you're here, and I think that you will be too.

 

[wcdean]

One thing you'll note here that I didn't understand at first is the prevolent use of the "Like" button. Here it doesn't necessarily mean that they like what you are dealing with, but rather it indicates that people are here, supporting you, and reading your thoughts. Essentially it means that we are listening. I didn't get that at first so wanted you to be aware.

 

[Gamereign555]

Ahh just admit it :p We are all a bunch of like fiends :) I would draw the line at 'liking' your own posts though, like on facebook.

 

[The Albatross]

I was gonna extrapolate on why I hit the like button and decided not to muddy up a welcome thread. It ain't just an I'm listening though. After a while you can tell, when someone's stretching, challenging, or hits on a mini epathany... has a success or just says, "hey I'm in trouble over here"... all those are small victories for people like us.

 

[Michele Janes]

Thank you so much Clayton and Albatross.

I must admit, I am smiling at the thought of having people (other than my best friend and therapist) to talk to about some of my successes and struggles regarding this disorder. It took me a really long time to accept that I even have ptsd. Not necessarily one of those things that ya run around bragging about. I do my best to have as much fun with my 'crazy' as I can. But like I told one of my boys the other day when I was breaking down: 'ptsd isn't always as glamorous as I make it out to be' :eek: (he did give me props tho for making it seem like a good time, lol.)

This has been a particularly hard year for me, with the past few weeks being exceptionally so. And while the past few weeks have been so difficult the blessing is that the experiences helped kick me in the pants and re-devote myself to the fight. And so the several months of pity-partyin' that I've been doing are over for now. Thank goodness. I'm never sorry to see those parties end. Today was a good day and I am grateful for that. Sendin' up a prayer for another one tomorrow! And for you, and you...and you! :D

 

[The Albatross]

Michele.. I came here because I resisted doing a journal or diary. It has been no easy thing, but I've had some traction here and had some improvement this year because I endeavored to actually dare to do it Prayers welcome from my end and back at you... it can't hurt, eh?

 

[Michele Janes]

Ya, I've tried journaling and I'm just not down. Bugs to think of all that attrocity sitting in a book on my nightstand ya know? I get all wigged out. There are some rather horrific memories and I can feel the heavy icky energy of it everytime I look at the book. I don't like to go back and read it, but I always do. Cuz I'm cool like that. So stupid. I have a thing with punishing myself obviously. :oops:

This however, may be just the thing I need. This is a very isolating disorder we have, isn't it? It's really quite comforting to be able to interact with others who know exactly what you're going through.