Sufferer A long rant from a newbie - attempted murder & abused by half-brother

[Hyssopus]

Hi!

I have been diagnosed with PTSD by three different people. I am a bit ashamed of writing this because I am scared off coming off as just seeking attention and validation.

I used to fight with my 9year older half-brother when I was a kid. My mom would tell me off and punish me for this. He never finished high school because of his psychotic episodes (he has schizophrenia). I remember him mostly being psychotic, angry and he had delusions about me. He has tried to kill me several times, once with a knife. When I write it like this, and I think about me being 11 years old when he was 20 it is obvious that this was not ordinary sibling fighting.

It was also unreasonable of my mom to make me responsible for his behavior. She told me that I provoked him deliberately. That I was the one starting it. I tried to tell her that I didn’t, but I think I kind of believed her. I sometimes had bruises I could have shown to someone, but I didn’t. I felt so ashamed or guilty or something.

My mom also had a lot of problems in her life and I sometimes think that she might not have been the most caring mom to me. She was trying to finish her education when she got pregnant with me, had to quit and never tried again. I suspect that she resents that a lot. A secretary at the doctor’s office threatened to report her to CPS when I was 3. I have seen a video of me and my siblings when I was 6. You can hear her yell really degrading remarks directed towards me in the recording, and I remember her doing that a lot.

I also got bullied in school. I’ve been wondering if I had odd behavior because of the situation at home and the other children might have reacted to that. I feel like I don’t belong in the world. Like everybody else is normal people while I am some different species. And I still expect people to not want me to be there (at social gatherings, meetings at work, wherever).

I wonder whether my PTSD diagnosis is correct or not. I feel so lazy, and I feel I am to blame for my problems (lack of concentration, insomnia, lack of motivation and so on). I feel I am making this out to be way worse than it was and I feel I should be able to get a grip on my life.

But when I think about episodes I remember, like my mom threatening me with a warm iron or my brother trying to strangle me and I think about how old I was and what really happened in the situation. Then I can kind of see that in an objective light this is f*cked up, one should not do this to kids and the child is not to blame for this (even though the child might sometimes have uttered four letter words or something).

I also feel that this should not affect me that much now (I’m in my thirties and I moved out when I was 16). I wish I could pull myself together. I wish I knew how. I am seeing a therapist, but I feel like we are getting nowhere. I am afraid to tell her about my experiences as a child, I want to do it, but when she mentions that I all off a sudden realize that I have changed the subject and I automatically avoid the topic of my history. I am scared off getting more upset if I talk about it. I have tried not talking about it since it happened, I wish I could give that a real try, but I am scared off getting hurt and having horrible feelings.

Anyway, that was enough ranting for now. I’m sorry for this being so long.

 

[EveHarrington]

Seeking attention and validation isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s only a bad thing if your end goal is merely attention and you’re being manipulative or lying. It’s not bad to seek attention when you’re reaching out for help and support.

I think you have more than enough trauma to warrant a ptsd diagnosis. Your life was threatened multiple times as a child. Your home was not a safe place. It’s not surprising that you’re struggling.

Welcome! :hug:

 

[ladee]

Many of us go thru this and feel this way. That we are making it sound more dramatic than it really was.
But the fact you are.avoiding talking about it,with legitimate fear of the feelings that are going to come up , at least.proves you were a frightened powerless child.

You can always hand your T your phone with what you shared here. It will open the door to healing and you not continuing to feel lazy and worthless.

You may have depression that is not being addressed. Our Therapist can't help us if we don't tell thm what is going on.

We are all afraid at first. Every one of us. We dont want to feel the things that hurt us. None of us do.

But there are many here doing the things we are scared about because we want to heal our past.

You did a great job sharing. You can take.baby steps. It takes time, this healing journey....so am very glad you are here. Not glad for the reason you are here, but I know the support and encouragement I have received has helped this not be so hard.
Because we aren' alone. And that by itself means a lot.

You can do this. You really can

 

[Hyssopus]

Seeking attention and validation isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I think you are right and I just feel like I don’t deserve it, but maybe that is because of something… Thank you for your kind reply.

But the fact you are.avoiding talking about it,with legitimate fear of the feelings that are going to come up , at least.proves you were a frightened powerless child.

This really resonated with me now. The fact that it makes me feel bad to get reminded of it is a proof, that I can see myself, that shows that this is bothering me. This indicates that I might feel better if I address this.

Thank you for your whole comment. You are right on everything. My therapist knows I am depressed. I read your comment and read mine again and realized that I can see it in the way I’m writing. Thank you kind person!

 

[ladee]

Your welcome ! You are in the right place.

Give your self some credit for reaching out.
We are here for you. We understand and you don't have to do this alone.

 

[WillyKat]

Many years ago, I heard or read something where a parent complained that their child who had attempted suicide was 'just seeking attention.'
I remember ranting about that to some people. I said something like "If they are seeking attention, maybe it's because they need some, maybe they aren't getting enough. If your kids are seeking attention, maybe you should give them some."

The fact is we all need attention. It's biological. We need it to grow as kids and to stay sane as adults. Without it, we become ill. If you're seeking it, that's a good, healthy thing. But somehow in our f*d up culture, "seeking attention" has become a bad thing. We don't say that about celebrities or politicians, and no one seeks more attention than them, especially the giant orange one.

I don't mean to be critical, but I think you should be aware of something. My hope is that it spurs some reflection on your part, and speak about it with your T. It's this: there's a thread running through your post that in a nutshell says, 'I don't deserve.' That sounds like shame and that's something all of us have dealt with and continue to deal with. Shame is the perception (a false perception) that there's something wrong with you, and the incontrovertible fact is there isn't. You do deserve attention, respect, support, and love every bit as much as anyone else. You deserve attention just like everyone does. You belong here and have a right to a fulfilling life just like anyone else.

Hope that helps. Welcome to the forum!

 

[DharmaGirl]

I grew up with a violent schizo-affective brother. He tried to rape me when I was 5 and he was almost 10. I was screaming because I thought he was trying to pee on me, and my mom came in and told me to pull up my pants and go to my room. I was allowed to come out for dinner but I couldn't talk so I got slapped and sent back. My brother beat me and terrorized me everyday growing up and my mother never believed me. I hear you loud and clear, and yes, you are not seeking attention, you are seeking someone who can validate your trauma.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I also had trouble telling my therapist about my traumas. It was about a year. PTSD is not for sissies. It is HARD! It causes all the things you describe - the lack of motivation, not feeling good enough, insomnia, are all symptoms of PTSD. You can't just dive into therapy and start telling about trauma, or you run the risk of re-traumatizing yourself. It takes time. You are normal in the set of people with PTSD. You have found your tribe.

 

[Hyssopus]

If they are seeking attention, maybe it's because they need some

You are right, I still feel guilty because I feel like I am doing something that is bothersome to other people, but that is just a feeling and I am probably not doing anything wrong (I even wrote a curse word by accident and a moderator just put in an asterisk and didn’t even tell me off for doing it. I am sorry I did it, but I feel like I have come to a forgiving place when someone just fixes it).

there's a thread running through your post that in a nutshell says, 'I don't deserve.' That sounds like shame and that's something all of us have dealt with and continue to deal with

This is also true. I hope I can work on it and I hope I can one day feel like I deserve the good things in life.

@DharmaGirl - Thank you. Your brother’s behavior was not your fault. Not being able to speak because of shock since something terrible happened to you and you got punished sounds like a perfectly reasonable reaction to an unreasonable situation.

Children should not be left alone with psychotic individuals. If you leave a child alone with a lion it would not be surprising if the lion ate the child. Lions do that. When it comes to people who are psychotic there are laws in most countries (and have been since at least Hammurabis time, the 1700s BC) that make them not responsible for their actions. In the US they can plead “not guilty by reason of insanity” if they commit a crime. Psychotic people are not capable of considering other people’s needs. They have delusions. They may be scary, they can be aggressive and violent and they are not rational. They also have sexual thoughts and go through puberty. And psychosis does not make people fit to be around children.

my mother never believed me.

I feel like I am exaggerating when I tell the truth about what happened to me. I am scared that people won’t believe me when I tell them about it. When there is some reason to believe that someone has done something wrong (if there is money missing from somewhere or something) I always feel guilty and that often makes me look guilty. I feel responsible for a lot of things that are not my business at all (and I have noticed that it sometimes irritates people when I do this). I think maybe some of this might have to do with my mother not taking the violence seriously and blaming me for things that were out of my control. I think that when children experience too much horrible things and getting told they are lying when they tell someone or get blamed for the terrible things or if it's not being taken seriously, that is something that might have the power to change people in a way that makes their life more painful.

I believe you way down in my core, and I believe the beatings and terrorization included a lot of episodes that make life hard and painful. I can see that what you went through can affect the rest of a person’s life, and when I think about what I experienced I think that the kicks in the stomach and getting dragged by the hair weren’t that serious things. Getting choked wasn’t that bad either. When other people get attacks on their lives it is much more serious. It wasn’t that hard to loosen his grip on my throat (getting away from him with a locked door between us was way harder). I get filled with terror just thinking about him, can’t stand the smell of oranges (he ate a lot of oranges) and when my SO has just peeled an orange I can just not have their hands anywhere near me. And still it feels like what I went through just doesn’t count, but when I read what you wrote I get filled with sympathy because I know, very deep inside, that you did not want this, you could not have stopped this and this is horrible. And I can see why it’s easier to just blame the healthy kid than to keep them safe from a very unsafe person that should not be used as a babysitter but rather be taken care of by professionals. I really wish you all the best and I hope you can live with what happened and find happiness and meaning in life.

I am sorry about the disorganized ranting. I get a lot of feelings when I read the replies. They have helped me a lot.

 

[Hyssopus]

You have found your tribe.

Thank you for this very warming welcome.

Right now I have discovered that writing things down for complete strangers is easier than talking to a professional in private. I hope it helps and I hope I can start sharing more with my T.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I even wrote a curse word by accident and a moderator just put in an asterisk and didn’t even tell me off for doing it.

The site automatically inserts the asterisks into swear words.

I am sorry about the disorganized ranting. I get a lot of feelings when I read the replies.

You're the original poster who started the thread and therefore you can say whatever you need to say.

When you feel like being braver, there's a place on the forum called Trauma Diary where you can start your own diary and rant and rave and write up a storm. It's all your personal space to write whatever you need to.

Right now I have discovered that writing things down for complete strangers is easier than talking to a professional in private.

Ah, yes, me too. I love writing and it helps me put important clues together.

Welcome to the forum @Hyssopus !

 

[mumstheword]

What a lot of hard, painful stuff you've been through! I'm glad you found us.
Lots of us can totally relate to the childhood terror and being blamed and neglected and abused when we were traumatized and victimized. It totally sucks!!!!! But we are not alone with it anymore.
I'm glad you made it through and I'm glad you are here with us now.
((((((Hugs)))))) I wish i could take up that frightened chIld that you were and protect little you. All I can do is send empathy, compassion and understanding your way.
So glad to have you with us! :-) :-) :-) :-)