A Mix Of Thoughts And Feelings About Myself, My Psychologist And My Life

[Snowflake]

I have been seeing a trauma psychologist for over a year. She is smart, well trained and well experienced in the field of PTSD. I really like her, yet so afraid to like her. I have this voice telling me she will punish me for what I say or share or "get rid of me" as a client . We have done a lot of emdr on a traumatic event-but before the holidays I hit a block and I told I couldn't go there anymore. So tomorrow we will start working on my body image. Ugh. I don't know what's more difficult talking about the memory or discussing how bad my body is. Am I afraid of rejection ....absolutely !!!! She has been good to me but the more I talk the more I feel I am disappointing her. I mean I love that she sees me 2x weekly and calls once to check in. If I spill my guts will it all stop? Will she cut me down to 1x weekly? How do I take a chance? What she says and feels is so important to me! I want her to like me! But the more I share about me and my filthy body the more I feel she will be disappointed. I am evil, disgusting, dirty. How will she ever believe and like a person like that?

 

[Lucycat]

She is a therapist. She wants to improve things for you.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

You sound a lot like me. I'm scared of rejection too. If I may I'd like to say something from my understanding of your post. I don't think that your psychologist is going to like you less because you tell her you really like her.

I understand the old fears that tell us that the more people see know and understand of us the more of the darkness they'll see in us. And the more they might want to reject not necessarily abandon us.

I specify because rejection and abandonment can be easily mistaken on the surface. The way I clarified it to my trauma therapist is obviously no one likes to be abandoned. But abandoning has more to do with the person who leaves. Maybe they reached a limit and abandoned everything and left. Rejection feels more personal. It's a choice to turn away from a specific person for specific reasons possibly about the person who was rejected.

I think what can be important to remember is that your psychologist studied and understands that some clients are afraid to open up about their feelings. She might already anticipate your hesitancy. It's ok to be scared. It's a normal human emotion. You'll start to see fears get smaller over time.

When you feel safe you can tell her how you feel. Until then maybe you can just like her quietly to yourself. It sounds like you've got a good psychologist who seems to really care about you. I'd probably like her a lot too. And congratulations on the hard work you've been doing. It takes a lot of courage.

 

[Justmehere]

I have had a really robust fear of rejection come up in therpay and other places in my life. It's really painful for me.

Good therapists appreciate or like clients who share what is working for them, what is not, what they are ready to do, and what they are not.

Your fears are really common, and chances are, she already suspects them and is very used to sealed with them with other clients.

Working on the fear of rejection may be a more useful place to do some work around, and sharing with her your fear of her rejecting you may be a great place to start.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Yep, that's me too. I identify with is deep fear. It took decades of therapy to finally recognize it, and it only been within the past 6 months I can accept it.

I have to believe thats a great sign. It's one of those core needs not easily identified with and recognized. Usually buried deep down.

Please tell her. It's a great insight and can be a great place to build from even stronger. If she's as great as you have expressed, she will totally understand and be able to help you with it.

If she's not? I highly suspect this worst case not to be true. But what is worst case? She doesn't accept you.... what does that say about her? You bury your soul, your deepest fears, and she abuses that- than that Speaks of WAY more of her than of you. And overtime you will come to realize she wasent worth your admiration.

Again, that's worst case. But if she is a professional like you suspect, it's a great piece of insight

 

[Crow]

I used to be obsessed with those thoughts...for years I thought T would leave or fire me. One day I told her my fears. It wasn't easy. Choking crying. Hyperventilating. But our discussion helped quiet those thoughts. Now when the fear comes back, I just ask T to tell me she's not leaving or firing me. Still difficult but getting easier.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have been seeing a trauma psychologist for over a year. She is smart, well trained and well experien...

Again, im gonna reply without reading other replies because you sound just like me 6 yrs ago. I have a therapist that i e seen weekly for coming up on 7 yrs (though he's in a group and cant call nor do i have his cell #) but for the first full year i went to him without him knowing the real reason i was there (i grew up in satanic cult lead by my mom & step.dad) and had these same thoughts. It was actually Dr Drew Pinsky, yep the HLN tv Dr via an ask Dr Drew chat that gave me the words and courage to tell him and did so my next session and it took me over 2 yrs to tell him everything, leaving the biggest, most embarrasing or most shameful for last. I now know that i can tell him anything and he wont be shocked by it; and this is coming from someone that came on to free therapiats prior who in return acted on my come ons and had sex with me. My current therapist knows of that and whom gave me the term transference. Anyway, she's a therapist, she sees you differernt than you see you and she wont be shocked or drop you as a client but its up to you to make those steps. Im here if you need me and you can find my story in the introduction section. Its at the top area due to recent comments.

 

[Snowflake]

Thanks everyone...I think I am so ashamed in myself and my behavior....

She thinks it's sexual abuse I experienced. Violent sexual abuse and expected sexual abuse. Ugh...how do I tell her there was rape and orgasms and them urinating on me and more?

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

One step at a time when you find grounding tools that work for you. All you have to take are small steps. Sometimes you might crawl. And that's ok. She'll be there to help you reveal what you're ready to as feel more and more safe with her.

 

[Snowflake]

I apologize -I should have said nothing.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I like @BlackbirdSinging response.

One step at a time. Baby steps.

I have to tell myself that all the time. One front in front of the other. Put in the blinders when i try to look too far ahead. Stay present in the moment.

If I can't stay present, than maybe I can interrupt thoughts by distractions.

Or maybe I tell myself a joke to laugh say "well, theirs those thoughts of mine running in the future... if only I could get paid as a risk consultant. Apparently my brain needs to think of every way to analyze this." By the time I think it, I laugh and distract it enough to shift gears.

Or maybe I picture baby feet walking to my next goal. Keeps me grounded in that.

Just some of my random things I have found help me keep my sanity

 

[sun seeker]

Snowflake, that's the abuse talking. You have done nothing wrong. You might have said "too much" in terms of it feeling like too much to you, too exposed, to have shared that. But it wasn't wrong. There is nothing to apologize for.