Childhood A need to understand my abuser.

[Fadeaway]

I guess I want to understand because I am stuck and unable to make progress in certain areas of healing. I am trying to find the path that will work, and and convince myself that I am not the bad child I feel like I am. What everyone is saying makes sense, and maybe understanding won't help. I don't know, long story short I feeling like I am grasping at straws trying to prevent a downward spiral before it happens this time because I am damn tired of being stuck in this repeating pattern.

@lostforgottensoul There is no one living, to ask, but I do know she was the beloved baby of the family. Her dad died before I was born she always talked about how she was his favorite. She always said they were poor and she was embarrassed of that fact, but otherwise she had an idealistic childhood.

 

[Friday]

Would the worst thing to happen be finding that there is nothing for you to forgive?

Because that could keep you stuck in an infinite loop...

If you need to forgive yourself, but find when all is said and done, there is nothing to forgive yourself for. Because you didn't do anything wrong.

...Until you broke the paradox, that is.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Why do abusers abuse you ask? Well from the extensive research I've done myself on this very question the answer is really pretty simple. They are addicted to abuse. Which I mean they are hooked on the rush buzz high hit whatever you want to call it that hurting demeaning and scaring someone they perceive to be weaker or smaller or more scared than themselves gives them. They are looking to feel strong big and brave you see but there's nothing big strong or brave about hurting a vulnerable adult kid or animal. They just THINK erroneously it makes them that way. It is an illusion a LIE they tell themselves to justify their sick cruel behaviour. They love the FEELING of power and control they wrongly believe abusing others gives them. But it's not REAL power or control AT ALL. In reality they like all addicts are powerLESS and OUT of control over their sick obsession and urge to abuse. They are in effect giving AWAY all their power and control by the very ACT of abusing. Because in the long run their victims grow up and move away so they can no longer get their fix from abusing those victims. Also in the long run their addiction will cost them in more ways than I can count. They will lose their health both physical and mental (and let's face it they are already sick in the head to even do what they do in the first place) they will lose relationships they will lose careers and reputations and also hopefully if they get caught their very liberty by being caged in prison for it. In fact prison is the best place for these sicko's. Because unless they are caught young ie in their teens they can't change and they can't stop abusing. Because once their habit becomes ingrained through repeatedly indulging in their addiction to abusing the pathways in their effed up brains get stuck in a groove or loop that just goes round and round endlessly. It's some to do with the reward or pleasure centres of the brain and particularly the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin from what I can gather. As with any other addict whether it's alcohol heroine cocaine nicotine etc. Medication and therapeutic intervention can help prevent relapses but only if the abuser/addict admits they have a problem and accepts help for it and does the work required to manage their sick obsession/compulsion to abuse. However as I can personally attest as many others here I'm sure can too most abusers never admit to abusing anyone let alone accepts they need help for it. It's lies denial projection and even victim blaming all the bloody way in most cases with these sicko's. But I must stress that it's NEVER the victim's fault what the abuser CHOOSES to do to them. And it IS a choice on however deep a level. I just don't buy the bullshit they come out with that they 'just can't help it'. That's just bollocks a total cop-out in my opinion. They could bloody well help it if like other recovering addicts they CHOSE to abstain from abuse and avoided putting themselves in risky situations where there is potential for them to abuse. But like I explained earlier they for the most part like the EMOTIONS of abusing too much to even want to give up doing it. We could look at this another way and see the addiction as a maladaptive means of getting unmet needs left over from childhood met now as adults. Because inside near enough every abuser I've ever known is a kid that was abused themselves. I'm not saying that every abuse victim goes onto be an abuser themselves in adulthood indeed far from it most victims never do but a small minority do and they're the ones we have to worry about. And most of this small minority will NEVER admit to being victimised as kids in fact they will DENY it till they are blue in the face in most cases. They hide it even from themselves such is their deep rooted shame at ever having been weak and defenceless themselves. And there is a reverse side to the addiction of abuse in that some victims become addicted to BEING abused. Not dishing it out but TAKING it and some victims never grow out of it in the same way the abusers don't grow out of their addiction to dishing it out. This goes back to what I was saying about unmet developmental needs from childhood. These are never met in healthy ways in victims either those who stay victims forever or those who become perpetrators. If a child is not given enough positive attention affection 'strokes' that elusive quality called 'love' cuddles and instead is only offered negative attention etc in the form of abuse that child takes what IS on offer however bad or unhealthy it is for them and gets what they can out of it in order to survive. Again I'm not saying the child wants to be abused or touched the wrong way or seeks it out or enjoys it AT ALL far from it but if nothing else good is available the child learns wrongly that abuse is somehow 'normal' and all that child can expect and all that child is worth. The child is then effectively brainwashed into accepting abuse and may even be conned like I was into falsely believing abuse is 'love'. A very sick toxic 'love' nevertheless but every child needs 'love' and how can they survive to adulthood if they believe the truth ie that they are NOT loved or even wanted in most cases? It's rarely a favoured cherished child that gets abused whether in their family as what happens in most cases of abuse or less likely a stranger. So what ends up happening is the victims that stay victims into adulthood keep on believing that LIE that they are being abused because the abuser 'loves' them and the victims that become perpetrators carry on telling that same lie to THEIR victims because they still believe that lie themselves. What compounds the problem is that very often sexual abuse especially when the victim is in puberty feels good. I even had orgasms while being abused as a teenage girl. Imagine my shame about that. Even to this day and I'm almost 50 years old now. And of course as explained earlier the abusers do it because it feels good to THEM. I know some women who are still caught in the lies about abuse and the 'good feelings' their bodies are biologically designed to feel through stimulation whether that stimulation is welcome or not MY age and older. However unlike them the abuse ended up hurting me more than it felt good BADLY so bad I landed up with PTSD the complex kind which is why I'm even on this board in the first place. So I learned my lesson and the truth the hard way. But so many victims don't learn it at all ever. And nor do the perpetrators. I've finally broken my addiction to BEING abused because I was tired so bloody sick and tired of being a victim. Now having recognised and understood about my unmet needs from childhood I find ways to meet those needs in a healthy way now. Paradox I cons myself one of the lucky ones because I've got myself free at long last. I don't blame myself for being abused now or even addicted to it but I do take responsibility for my recovery from this horrible addiction I OWN it so I can CHANGE it. I no longer believe it's up to anyone else than me to fix me or rescue me. I have become my own best friend healer and therapist. I will however soon be working with a therapist because I do believe one cannot heal in isolation or without an expert who knows more than me about this stuff. Although I already know a lot I don't know everything lol. Anyway I apologise for the long winded reply but I just wanted to share what I've learned with you all so it will help. I will leave you one last thought which I've taken from my studies of Buddhism. Whenever anyone hurts you abuses you puts you down rejects or abandons you remember it's always about THEM and and the trouble THEY are in with THEIR thoughts feelings words actions and reactions. It is NEVER a reflection of who YOU are as a person it's nothing personal although it may SEEM that way especially if your abusers want you to wrongly be it's YOU not THEM as it really truly is. Because abusers NEVER take responsibility for themselves you see they HAVE to have a scapegoat someone they can punish for their OWN badness inadequacy and low self-esteem. Please try not to internalise what abusers do to you. Please try to firm up your own personal boundaries so you will know where you end and where others begin. Meditation and right thinking and right feeling can help you with this. You don't have to take my word for it please try it for yourself and see how you go. You have nothing to lose by trying.

God bless you.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Often abusers need the same help victims do. Being a victim there was one instance where I came close to becoming the abuser. It was enough to end a marriage (a bad marriage anyway). In the end I was hospitalized repeatedly.