I'm really trying hard to get back to doing normal things. Yesterday I went back to the support group that sometimes helps- I haven't been in a few months. It was helpful, to see those familiar faces and I was able to be a bit honest about what's going on with me. I can see how much I've improved at talking about it since I started counselling and emdr. I applied for lots of counselling/support groups about abuse last week so I am waiting to hear if something works out. In the meantime though, yesterdays support group is free, unlimited and I felt better being able to be a bit honest about things. People told me that my problems were too much to handle, and they feel that way.
Last week I spoke to a friend and said that I felt like I was on the cusp of losing everything (mother, sister, girlfriend). I feel like I made a light conversation too heavy by saying that. I remember she told me that was too much to carry as well. And I said I didn't have a choice but to carry it. After we had that conversation, It's been a week of just staring at the wall and looking for places to go and talk about things. I feel like I will burst if I don't get to say so many things.
I'm struggling with feeling like I need to tell my mom, sister and girlfriend about sexual abuse to not feel so alone. But telling them about physical abuse went terribly so my expectations are low. This is partially why I feel I am going to lose them all. I feel that all of them would choose denial over believing me.
- My mom saw him physically attack me and asked me to forgive him the next day, 'for her'. She said it was normal in families. Since years have passed, she now denies he attacked me at all.
- My sister has stood up for me a handful of times and I think she probably would again if it happened. We talked about the physical abuse we both suffered when she was still living at home. Since she grew up and left she forgets it all. She's really bad at anything to do with emotions and gets uncomfortable easily and just leaves. When she found out I had a girlfriend she didn't really talk to me for 5 years because it was uncomfortable for her. She's comfortable talking with me about her mental health and I told her I had PTSD last year casually in a conversation about what she has- she got up and left the room because it was uncomfortable for her (I thought it would be fine because she would assume war is what caused this).
- My girlfriend has been various levels of sympathetic about the physical abuse (less so these days I think). She avoids hard emotions and will avoid listening to me if its something she doesn't want to hear.
It's really hard to have hope that they will be able to support me in any way when they have not been able to about physical abuse from the same man. It's so much to try and juggle as well as all of this war stuff. i think maybe it's not a good idea to, and trying to build more supportive relationships in other ways is better. How can I do this? Trying to heal the ways abuse has affected me?
- Abuse has made me desperate to prove my worth and feel like I have to tolerate being treated as less than equal
- Abuse has convinced me that no one wants to hear from me
- It has made me feel that no one cares how I feel or how something affects me
- It has made me really scared to stand up for myself, challenge anyone about anything or have conflict (because I'm always bracing for violence and aware that if that happens I can't defend myself)
I think I can try and heal these things without needing to tell my mom/sister/girlfriend new things? I can try to stand up for myself about what they already know.
- My mom knows I'm scared of my dad and I avoid him. She knows I don't want to talk with him so she tries to catch me off guard. Calling me and then passing him the phone, offering to pick me up from somewhere and sending him instead etc. I have told her why and she has seen why even if she denies it (physical abuse, even as an adult). I have been avoiding her since she started doing these things with more frequency so I can tell her again, ' I don't want to avoid you but if I have to I will. So you have to decide what you want- your daughter to contact you freely? Or to push your husband on her? Because it can't be both'
- My sister I don't know. It's also maybe not as urgent or worthwhile to do this with her right now
- I need to develop boundaries with my girlfriend. Her window of tolerance for conflict is low, she gets overwhelmed easily. Our arguments look like this- she asks for something, I can't do it, she insists she needs it, I insist I can't, she gets very angry and says things she later regrets/tries to make me leave/storms out- there's an extended silence and usually I break it with an apology or she breaks it by going back to normal discussions. We don't address the content of the argument or the way she acted in it. Which has made me feel progressively more 'walking on eggshells-y' over the years we've been together. Right now we are in the 'extended silence' phase and I am trying not to go along with 'going back to normal discussions' while I wait nervously for the next time.
I have to face I suppose that I got into my current relationship 6 years ago- with reservations. Her lack of emotional regulation and lack of comfort talking about emotions was a big deal to me. But as long as she was working on it, I decided to go in anyway and I don't regret that.
- But she hasn't been working on it. And is less willing to work on it now than she was at the beginning.
- Being with me has taken the edge off of her mental health problems and maybe stopped her from seeking help independently
- Because she struggles with emotions I have been very reluctant to share my hard ones- this has been stressful for me and has meant she has not been used to thinking how I feel is important or that I will treat it that way- and I am really reaping the unfortunate rewards of being that way now.
- It almost feels like the only way I can convince her I care that she's treating me in ways she herself would not accept is by breaking up with her. She doesn't believe I will make any consequences for treating me that way. I know that I have to or things will never change.
