A Question For All Who Have Abuse Induced Ptsd

[greenleaf]

@rightkindofme -- I am very glad that you have the positive feelings about the specific things! I think it's excellent to attempt to choose to think about those things (though I slip out of it for periods without even noticing and direct anger at myself, that seems to be an old emotional tape...)

My major current thing that almost everyone else seems to have accomplished, that I didn't, is having children (!!!) and developing more of a family (I'm now 50). (Then there is the small issue of living life chronically varyingly dissociated.) However I try to redirect myself toward friendships that I really value, success in that redirecting varies... Maybe after escaping the current quite unhealthy relationship (going very slowly, complicated), some hot tree-loving guy will suddenly surface without me having to do any work whatsoever to find him... :devilish::rolleyes:

 

[intothelight]

Depending upon each individual's response to trauma and abuse, it isn't uncommon to find those with PTSD to struggle with a healthy perception of self. In my own perspective, trying to navigate an abusive childhood the messages were often mixed and confusing and left me without the "normal" benefit of development. When one's energy is focused on survival, self actualization is rarely achieved at that point and many times drawn upon external cues rather than developed internally.

For myself, I know that for much of my life I lived with the spirit of "I'll show them" and directed my energy and my goals based upon what I perceived as the external trappings of success. My way of getting back or to "win" was to "be better than they were". So I understand that fight as to "prove them wrong" and to measure my own success in terms of education, position, earnings, etc. as compared to "them" was somehow in my own mind a "win".

Again, I am writing from my own perspective and experience and not to discount anything else that others have shared. Regardless of my external success, I still found that fundamentally how I perceived myself did not change and I was still filled with the feeling of worthlessness that plagued me all along. It took a long time for me to realize that healing did not come from the outside in, but started from the inside. No amount of degrees, position or income was going to make "it better", but at the same time I learned not to discount my own achievements but to reframe them as my own and not just a "win". At this point to do anything to "prove" it to someone else allows them to still be taking up space in my head.

The favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors: the accomplishment of one's goals.

Success is many things and can be measured in a variety of ways, but for me it is learning about who I am and what I want and striving to achieve that. Those successes may look very different from the outside looking in, but they truly feel like an accomplishment from the inside. There have been times that my greatest success has been that I got up and continued on because it required the greatest amount of personal effort and courage.

So depending where you are at, success may be getting out of bed, caring for your family, getting a degree, getting a job, etc. It may also be beating the odds and proving your abusers wrong. It's measurement is as individual as the person's who's success it is.

 

[RussH]

I'm not allowed to have positive feelings about myself

@rightkindofme. I am so glad you have reasons to feel proud of yourself. Yes! Absolutely celebrate what you have struggled hard to achieve, regardless of what that is, and be proud of yourself for accepting the personal challenge of doing things to make your life better.

I never intended this thread to make anyone feel attacked, or in any way bad about themselves. I started this thread so we, all of us, can look at our lives and realize, we have done positive things. We have done things we can consider successes, even when we feel like an abject failure.
This thread was meant to be something positive, and it saddens me that others have taken it otherwise. So please, please feel proud of yourself. I think it is great that you have things in your life that you see as positives. Keep it up.

 

[RussH]

@intothelight Well said, very well said.
I so agree with the idea of looking toward the external to find worth, but needing to look inside. I think we deal with some of the same issues.

 

[Lucycat]

I never intended this thread to make anyone feel attacked, or in any way bad about themselves.

Please don't apologise. This is a healthy debate. People have differing opinions. Not everyone sees others' points of view. But we are all in the same boat - just looking out in different directions.

This is a good topic, and is making people think hard - even if they don't like what they see.

 

[RussH]

@Lucycat Thank you. I just tend to hurt when others hurt.

 

[Recovery4Me]

And, like I said, the thread was targeted at abuse victims. Perhaps there are specific aspects of PTSD for abused-by-known-people folks that are nearly universal, the way I think there are issues for abused-by-complete-stranger folks.

I'm never going to triumph over adversity. I'd like to be able to manage myself when alone and with others. That's all.

~~~~~~
I thought about those two above quoted portions of your solid offer ...for a bit before answering as I have been raped,ect by both sets. I triggered hard (which I know is my stuff) and had night sweats...so honestly I am glad you brought it up. Whew...what a night!

So here goes on just my take...the physical act remains the same violation for me. But what happened in my warpy thinking (non-healthy per CBT work) is that I lost all hope for a few years (after the strangers) because I then believed I could never be safe...anywhere.

It took many, many years of therapy to unravel that one to a manageable level. And after studying combat training and some other arts,I did actually "triumphant over an adversity" in a dark alley on the way to my car after work. To me if I do not get raped, kidnapped, held hostage, tortured again...I will be victorious in having freedom of choice with my body.

So, I do honestly thank you for helping me heal @joeylittle ...I hope you hear the sincerity as well as gratitude through my keyboard. (I also hope you do not charge as much as my T's did...lol)

 

[RussH]

@Recovery4Me very good post, and really, really good for you triumphanting over adversity in a dark alley. I hope you left them with significant pain.

 

[Notsowild]

So, this is my question: How many of you, who have been abused, are now more educated, and more successful than your abusers?

This was the part that got me hostile. More educated than your abusers. I was always a really smart kid. I wanted to be a psychiatrist lol ( now I see one). But as the abuse continued and escalated my grades dropped. Then at 16 I finally escaped that hell hole. Then I met some equally tortured soul like myself and married young. But alas he was not Prince Charming. Then the PTSD escalated and I had two kids to support.

I feel like I've had a wasted life besides my children. Now my brain can hardly remember where I left my keys. It's just a sore spot for me. @RussH...did not want to make you feel like crap. I'm no educated,
successful person but I am kind and sensitive to others. So sorry, I meant no ill will.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Notsowild It took courage to come back to the thread and share some of your story! I appreciate you and the effort made as well as your kindness. I hope in the future, that I will have the pleasure of knowing more of your story and your strides in building a family with your children during your journey to heal.

When I would be asked what was my favorite job, I would offer rocking my children. I look forward to rocking my grandchild someday soon (God willing) and on that day know nothing else will seem as grand of an achievement as holding that bundle of joy. Peace and light & :hug: if you accept.

 

[Loloma]

@RussH ... From when I was a teenager, my mother repeatedly said to me, "You're too smart for your own good". She was my first abuser. My father who had a high IQ, was dux of his school, sexually abused me for years. I managed to complete my schooling, the only one in the family to do so. It was difficult as I must of attended close to a dozen school all over the country.

As an adult no matter what I did or achieved, the response I got from my father was, "You can do better than that". I was always insecure, married men who carried on the abuse. I went to University ten years ago and started a Bachelor of Arts only to drop out half way through. I had constant nightmares about failing.

My point is, IMO success for me is not about who is intelligent or successful. We are all different, some choose to strive to achieve success. Some to prove that they can. Everyone has their specific reasons. Others find it irrelevant and are satisfied to live a stable fulfilling life. Abusers come from all walks of society, rich or poor, educated or illiterate. Often people who we assume will protect us. Over the last few years the clergy has been at the centre of attention.

My middle son who was physically and mentally abused by his father, went from an A grade student to a F within a year is an example of what abuse can do. Twenty odd years later he is successful and a wonderful father of two gifted children. You never know where life will take you. We all measure success differently.

 

[RussH]

We all measure success differently.

@Loloma this is so important, that we have our own sense of success. I think the fact that you have raised a son who is a wonderful father, is something t shout that I am successful over.
The point of this thread is for use to see that in spite of our abusers best efforts, we have found a measure of sucess; however de define success.