A Toxic Friendship

[Meadowsweet]

It seems sadly all to common to meet people like that - they seem to hone in on the vulnerability of people who have a lot to deal with.

For me, I went through times when I would think it was just in my imagination. Especially since one of the mind games controllers play, is to act like they can't understand your reaction and they are a poor innocent victim, hurting because of you. That's the point at which I would go back apologising and telling them how much I love them. Then they are cold and make me wait to find out if they are going to reject me or not, and it just makes me want their approval more.

So I really hope that with realising what this woman does, and the support of the people here, you will walk away from her. You may still need to grieve the loss of the friend you thought she was, but it is the beginning of the end, and you'll come out stronger.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you for your concern and support Meadowsweet !

I have walked away from her. I have deleted and blocked her on fb. I then texted her that I did no longer whished for her to be a part of my life, and I of hers, and that I wished her well for the future. She texted me back that she thought she was the one whising to end the friendship, refferring to the shaming tactic I suppose, where she said she needed a break from me because I had hurt her by making my own (bad) desicion.

Then she kept texting me going on about how I was trying to 'steal the stage from her' by trying to take the 'credit' for ending the friendship! Spoken like a true infantile Narcissist, was all I wanted to reply, but I did not reply at all, and I am not going to.
But I must admit I am struggeling with an urge to confront her. To let her know that I know what has been going on. Let her know I am aware how she gaslighted me (a new term I have learned discribing a Narcissists brainwashing tactic). But I guess this will just anger her more and all I want is to get her to leave me alone.

I discovered something 'interesting' about gaslighting: it leaves the victim in a state of confusion, constantly questioning their own relality, desicion-making, causes anxiety, nightmares and even hypervigilance. I have this creepy feeling that woman has had an enormous inpact on my PTSD healing - in a negative direction of course. Well, time will tell.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Crazyhorse, good for you!

With people like that, any response at all is a reward for them. The conflict is their drug of choice with people who see them for what they are.

Sometimes, it's good to let them have the last word, even if filled with lies. Being at peace and safe from a toxic person is more important than getting the last word in.

 

[saffy]

I can't shake this creepy feeling and I am angry, too.

Hi Crazyhorse

I think you are beating yourself up far too much.

People like this are devious at what they do.

They are purely for themselves as we know but it is not your fault she got away with it again, probably not for the first or last time with people in her life.

It is a way of life for her without any remorse because it would not occur to her that it was affecting you in the way it has.

Why then should the receiver of her devious ways live their future being angry at not responding quicker to what she was doing.?

The whole point of being devious is so you do get away with it. They can be very hard to catch out and very hard to get rid off normally so you have done really well. :)

I think you should be proud that you finally recognised this in her and had the strength to eject her from you life.

It certainly shows that you can be assertive and recognise behaviour traits you do not like. You should be proud of this. :)

With the knowledge now of this type of human behaviour and how to cope with it you should feel stronger and more aware and be prepared to recognise personal traits of this type in others, should they come up again. And they will. There are a lot of users and devious people out their in this dog eat dog world. :(

Staying angry with this will just cause you inner turmoil and keep the focus on her. Which I am sure you do not want at all :)

If she has gone through that door shut it behind her and continue your path to happiness with more knowledge and strength.

She is certainly not worth wasting any energy on. :)

(when I dumped a 'friend' like this I actually thanked them silently for making me stronger and more aware so that I could avoid people like that again and take more care of my own needs. I felt he was a hard lesson learnt but a free one in the scheme of things. I came out stronger and more assertive, once I recognised that was what I was doing, and knew that I could improve on this and have a better future because of it. He himself is just not important to me to focus any more time on or waste any more energy on. Good riddance to bad rubbish:) )

I really hope you find peace crazyhorse and be able to let go of the anger she has caused you so you can continue in more positive way. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[CrazyHorse]

(when I dumped a 'friend' like this I actually thanked them silently for making me stronger and more aware so that I could avoid people like that again and take more care of my own needs. I felt he was a hard lesson learnt but a free one in the scheme of things. I came out stronger and more assertive, once I recognised that was what I was doing, and knew that I could improve on this and have a better future because of it. He himself is just not important to me to focus any more time on or waste any more energy on. Good riddance to bad rubbish:) )

Thank you Saffy! I too am begining to see it in this light with each day that passes :-) My anger is also dissapearing slowley, but I do see that anger as appropriate, as long as it will not consume me, which I know it will not. I don't view the feeling of anger as having anything to do with her really, by that I mean, for me, the feeling is not linked to wasting anymore energy on her. Rather, anger is a natural emotion when you have been wronged. If she had hit me outside the head with a baseball bat, I would be expected to get angry. The way I see it, she has repeatdly hit me inside my head with a baseball bat.

Paradoxically, I feel less angry than when she was in my life. I was very angry all the time, but I could not place the anger. I think the gaslighting, the constant poking around my trauma, keeping me fearful and confused, the constant very subtle putdowns, made me very angry subcounciously. I now know, thankfully, the source of it all, which means my anger is more tangible so I can work through it and leave it behind :-)

 

[Raj]

CrazyHorse,

Thank you so much for this thread. I too have dealt with "friends" that were like this and have now become very un-trusting of all, except my wife and children. My goal is to get back to where I have at least a moderate level of trust.

I used to trust until I felt used and go with my gut, but this last person was a master at using people and very dangerous, he threatens to kills his ex-wife's pet and even though they divorced she still lives with Him out of fear. This person I completely misread as old and grumpy and sad, instead of old and psychotic. He can literally fake emotions and affection.

He says He has Schizophrenia, yet he seems way to organized in thought.

I keep praying that my I can rebuild my basic trust of new friendly people.

 

[Anna]

I also have met someone like this. I am much happier now I ended the friendship. They are like emotional vampires draining you of energy, Toxic friends can be so damaging.

The only bad thing is, it damaged my trust again. I am already paranoid and find it hard to trust people. I cannot believe I let this woman in, she really made me feel like she cared. Horrible experience. I would not wish on anyone.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Raj and Anna, I am sorry you have had people like this in your life too! You are so right Anna, they are emotional vampires. Parasites even! It has helped me to read up on these people to get some information about how they 'work', and I am positive I now will be able to spot one before they can do any damage to me.

There is one blog I found particular helpful. It is called 'House of mirrors'. It is very direct.

 

[saffy]

I was very angry all the time, but I could not place the anger.

Hi CH

I know exactly how that feels mate :)

I could not place it because I kept telling myself that it was my paranoia because he came across so 'nice'. I did not connect my anger with him being the cause at first because I thought I had a friend. I was deceived and just would not except that it was him but rather me again.

When the penny dropped I had to laugh at myself and call myself idiot, then got angry at him and myself for various reasons, then thought 'what the hell am I doing to myself'?

He is well gone and I would guess he never looked back or thinks of me at all now.

I am sick of beating myself up I suppose and feeling negative and silently angry all the time. It is so draining and takes the focus off the present and how you can be happy despite a b*stard coming into your life every now and again.

I guess I have learnt that I do actually have choices and I am allowed to make them and change them. My choice now is not to let him have any more of my time or thoughts. I am glad you are finally letting go too :)

I know its hard sometimes but I have learnt that I can make choices now that are based on my happiness. I feel life is too short to fester over someone who has now gone out of my life. Time to move on. :) (took me a long long time to start to think like this) :)

If I meet someone who turns out to be toxic I make the choice to think 'actually you are not the friend or person I thought you were and you are now showing your true colours'. I can walk away and shut the door and start a brand new day without them in it ruining my happiness.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[ClairBear226]

Narcissists tend to prey on humans who posess the benevelent qualities they severely lack themselves.

You're not alone in falling prey to a narcissist. I had a friendship years ago that sounds similar to yours, and it took me far too long to see. I was embarrassed, humiliated, and feeling unable to trust my own judgement about people.

I just wanted to say that reading your post reflected many of the feelings I had at the time. It was over a year before I felt like I was truly "past" it, but it does get better in time. I read an article once that referred to such people as "squid". It's so true. They suck the life right out of you, and take every bit of emotional and physical energy you have until there's nothing left. But you will eventually build those stores up again. And now you'll know what a snake in the grass looks like. I agree that people come into our lives for a reason. Some are permanent and some are transient. This one taught you what to see, so that you never fall into the same trap again. Make new friends. Better ones. Ones that make you feel like you can do it, that help you see that you're strong and capable and able to stand on your own feet and make your own decisions. These are the people worthy of being a permanent fixture in your life.

I think people need to have delete keys on their foreheads. Wouldn't life be simpler? Sucking the life out of you? Lying through their teeth? DELETE.

 

[CrazyHorse]

ClairBear, thank you a bunch for sharing your story! :-) I am glad that person is out of your life and that you have gone past it!

 

[ClairBear226]

It took time. Like adjusting to a death, almost. The one thing this person had brought into my life that I hadn't been used to, was a LOT of attention. A lot of flattery, too. Which is probably exactly how this type of person weadles their way into peoples' lives. Heck, I had to change my cell phone plan because of so many calls and texts, and God forbid I didn't WANT to talk. It was as if I'd done something wrong. The word that comes to mind is NEEDY. Not just that MY attention was needed on a constant basis, but there seemed to be a need for continual drama. To stir up crap. This friend was also a liar, and I eventually found that the lies would range from really huge things, to the very small, that I couldn't understand why anyone would bother lying about. A lot of it was attention-seeking, and it was always, always, "Me, Me, Me".

Living that way is just exhausting. When the friendship concluded, it was due to lying and manipulation, and the end was sudden. It was almost like the whiplash you get from a car accident, when the car is jolted so suddenly. I went from constant communication to NONE. It took some getting used to. Buy I no longer needed to look over my shoulder or second guess, and it was also very much a relief. It helped to look at the definitions for narcissist and sociopath, because though it would not be my job to diagnose, it was easier to see those tendencies in print, and know that wasn't ME that was the problem.