So whenever I get these kind of impulses you're saying that I should act on them?
No, not "whenever". It depends on the impulse. The trick is to know when and how to act on an impulse and learning that depends on understanding yourself and having correct perception about what is going on around you. Anger can be a powerful emotion that can motivate change. It is not “bad” but one needs to learn how to use it for “good”. If anger is repressed, it often piles up and gets expressed at other times. It can come out in road rage, hurting others, etc. Or turns into depression that’s easy to get stuck into.
With anger, sometimes space is needed, (i.e. space between the anger, you, and the other person) so things don't escalate. In an earlier post you said your dad called you a selfish brat, you felt angered, but you didn't say something back to him because if you did it would have come out as rage. In that situation you felt the anger; you perceived that expressing rage towards your dad wouldn't be helpful, so your brain over rode the emotion.
In your earlier post you wrote, "I let it go”. Did you really let it go? Or did what your dad say still kind of bother you? My guess is what he said hurt, and it still kind of hurts. Name calling hurts, in general.
If you need to walk away so the rage doesn’t spill out, do so. Then, after you’ve calmed down some, be honest with yourself and the other person. Go back and say something truthful but non unkind, like "I felt very angered when you called me a selfish brat and I wish you wouldn't call me names." Doing this might seem silly and rather artificial at first, but it is being assertive. It strengthens your ability to be honest with yourself and other people without hurting them, which will help build your confidence.
When you do this, three things could happen:
- The person comes back with “Well, you are a selfish brat!” Just let it go and admit it. “Yep, I am a selfish brat, sometimes.” In truth, every person on the planet is selfish, sometimes.
- The other person makes an excuse and blames you. They’ll say, “Well, if you didn’t blaa blaa blaa then I wouldn’t have called you a ____.” If that happens, drop the issue. It is no use arguing. It will only frustrate you. Just say, in a neutral tone, something like, “I’m just telling you I don’t like being called names and I wish you wouldn’t do it.” (See? You are still speaking your truth!)
- Sometimes the person may hear and understand what you said and apologize. Your honesty gives the other person the opportunity to recognize their behavior and change (if they want to). Your honesty plus their honesty (given with respect) is what helps to build bonds between people.
The more you accept yourself just as you are, with all your different parts, and without judgment, the more you won’t be as bothered by what other people say. And you’ll have more emotional and mental freedom to do other things. The stuff that you really want to do with your life!
About responding to your dad when you don’t understand what he says. If you have the impulse in the present moment to really want to understand what he’s trying to say, just be honest. Just say, “Dad, I don’t get what you’re saying.
Can you explain what you mean in another way or give me an example?” Notice the underline and bold. It’s important to ask for clarification this way otherwise the person just repeats themselves and you still won’t get it. Even if the person responds differently, you still may not get it, but that’s okay. It’ll then be time to move on to the next moment. There's no use in worrying about it.
The last thing I want to say about being in the present (and being in touch with yourself) is that doing real things that involve your body and senses (as opposed to watching t.v. or playing video games and spending long hours on the internet) really helps. Sometimes, you have to push yourself not to isolate. And as you do, that will give you more confidence also.
Los Angeles is a wonderful playground! Do some different things that you maybe haven’t thought of, or haven’t done for a while, or stuff that’s crazy but harmless. Get out of your head. If you have a cell phone or camera, go to the Walk of Fame on Hollywood Boulevard and take a picture of yourself with every “wannabe” imposter, during the day of course. Go to the Santa Monica pier or the Redondo Beach pier and rent a rod. See what you can catch, and talk to the old geezers down there. Go to the Self-realization Fellowship Center on Sunset, then take a bus to Sunset beach and play in the sand and the ocean. Look up from the beach to the big white mansion on the cliff a little to the north (at the signal). It is the former home of millionaire J. Paul Getty and it's a free museum filled with incredible art, which very few people know about. Tonight, if you can, go outside (or better yet, go up to the observatory) around 8:30 and you’ll be able to see the International Space Station cross the path of Los Angeles about 9:00p.m. Look towards Redondo Beach! All these things are FREE.
You’re 21. You’re what I call a “boy-man”. You’re in process of letting go of your childhood and moving into adulthood. This is a process that each of my three sons went through. Part of that process deals with separating from your parents. In the process you’ll figure out your truth, who you are and who you want to become. This is perfectly “normal” as is having PTSD due to trauma. PTSD symptoms can be managed. You’re incredibly smart for searching out to this forum, for asking for support from other resources, and you’re courageous!
Peace,
Drew ;)
