Abandonment by friends

[anthony]

Are we not at blame at times, especially the highly likely chances due to PTSD? Should we stick our head in the sand and claim ignorance, hoping things get better, but never really understanding that it is often we, the PTSD sufferer, that must change and adapt because the very nature of PTSD is to push people away. It is embedded as part of PTSD. Ignorance does not help anyone.

If we don’t talk about, explore, accept where we own issues, then nothing changes for US, the sufferer.

The article isn’t blaming, it is a view based from a PTSD sufferer.

When I read a supporter book that gives advice based on the supporter and how they should change, adapt, look after themselves, make decisions and such… is that biased? No, it’s a view specific to a certain position. This is a position from a PTSD sufferer.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I have a handful of friends that have continued to be in my life throughout my recovery and I see these people as truly authentic friends for me. One particular friend I’ve known since Junior High (a good 25 years). In looking at the difference between the friends who have stuck around and those who have left has been that we’ve had common experiences and challenges in life. We have had fun times, silly and goofy times, along with emotional ups and downs and we’ve been there for each other. I see there being different levels of friendships some being more superficial and others being more intimate. A few of my dearest friends are my emotional supports though we don’t just cry on each others shoulders but if we need to, we recognize there are times it’s necessary. I guess the key word is “we”, it’s not a one sided relationship. I personally don’t have the energy for a large group of friends but those I have invested in have been very meaningful. I agree, there are some friends who have left my life because they couldn’t handle my depressive or anxious episodes. Either that or we would have a disagreement(s) and parted ways. I’ve also had friends I’ve recognized having too much drama in their lives and I’ve separated myself in order to manage my own stress levels. As I’ve recovered and my boundaries have improved, relationships with new and old friends have evolved. I personally feel we need friends we can utilize for emotional support. Therapy serves a purpose in gaining support for the trauma and learning ways to cope with symptoms though I also believe that encouraging people to build on a support system outside of therapy is important so that eventually you can function outside of the therapeutic relationship. Being able to identify with others who have experienced similar situations though is essential in recovery.

 

[StaceyD]

I realize this is an old post but I cannot agree with you more, Christie. This article is cold hearted and basically indicates you should quit your whining and get over yourself. …I don’t consciously dwell on my PTSD symptoms and I always was known as upbeat. ..it’s been 4 frkn years of watching ALL the people who I thought cared about fade. They fade because I am different now. I cannot control my anxiety or other emotions like I used to.
I have completely become isolated because I feel ashamed and ostersized. ..this article reinforces my unhealthy behaviour. I have lost 65 pounds (wasn’t very overweight prior)….and if I died, no one would know until my tenants in my basement started to smell the stench. …I cannot tell you how agonizing this feels! I am a RN who cared for strangers and loved ones my entire career. ..countless addicts who stomp over you once they have sucked you dry.
People look at me like I have the plague because I tend to get too deep. Not about me, about life. …I honestly do not know how to have a ‘normal’ conversation. I stick to strangers I meet on my hikes with my dog. …anymore than that sends me spiraling down. ..0 resilience. ..this article sucks.
How hard is it for another human being to make it a habit to check in on some one who they know are struggling? ??? I cannot even count how many times I was there to listen for hours to ‘friends’….where are they now?

 

[anthony]

Hi Stacey. Is it the article that sucks? Or is the article that has hit a nerve with you? You said, “I am a RN who cared for strangers and loved ones my entire career. ..countless addicts who stomp over you once they have sucked you dry.
People look at me like I have the plague because I tend to get too deep. Not about me, about life. …I honestly do not know how to have a ‘normal’ conversation.”

Because you chose to be an RN, you chose to take care of others, do you now believe others, friends specifically as this article refers to a question asked, should be there for you, when your own admission is that you get “deep” and “do not know how to have a normal conversation.” Is that others fault for not wanting to be part of your friendship circle?

You blame this article, are now blaming others, yet at the same time admitting you have conversational limitations which do not seem to resonate with others that come into your life.

Now… in a perfect world we would all be supportive of one another, yet this is far from a perfect world. In fact, to be human, one may say, is to be imperfect.

Another way to look at your specific issue may not be to blame the answer given to a question asked here, to be written in an article, or to blame others for leaving you… but maybe, just maybe, you haven’t found the right people who are also deep and don’t know how to have what you consider a normal conversation?

If you exist and are this way, then others exist and are this way… likely also looking for that same or similar supportive connection.

Humans break. We are flawed. We can be many things at any given time, good, bad or combination. We’re fickle and with the pressures upon us all nowadays, we have become further isolated and selfish. You used to be able to safely pull over and help another person broken down. Nowadays, your chances of being robbed, stabbed, raped or otherwise, doing so, has increased excessively… so we tend not to perform such a helpful human task because we don’t want to risk our own life or be inconvenienced. You’ve just worked a 12 hr shift — do you pull over and help someone or go home to bed and get some sleep, after your myriad of other choirs you have to do?

Life today is not life 50 years ago, or life a hundred years ago.

 

[StaceyD]

Anthony, I left a response to your response and yet, it does not appear?
I believe I was blocked and sent in the # provided and have heard nothing.
btw yes, even after a 12 hour shift, I would stop and help, if needed. Not as a nurse but out of compassion. Today, I picked up a couple hitchhikers. I chose to be a nurse. ..there is nothing in training that helps deal with death, dying and angry families through out my career.
So, maybe I am a bit deeper and I would rather keep stranger’s strangers. The people I used to know are driven by the stigma and absolute lack of understanding. I am far from being a ‘poor me’ but I am struggling. …the last thing I would guess, is friends and family ‘abandoning me’ at my lowest.
So, whether this message gets blocked or not, I cannot tell you how far off the mark your reply and article is. I resonate with many articles posted here. …just not this one.

 

[Jim11]

Only some, not all. Those who cannoot or will not walk through their own pain deny it in others. I thin...

Yeah, I tried the F/B route, what a dud that was. Nothing but “poor me”. I ended up more depressed than when I started. So I stay away from that.

 

[anthony]

Only some, not all. Those who cannoot or will not walk through their own pain deny it in others. I thin...

Yer… I don’t do Facebook. Too full of bullshit friend nonsense, when these random people are far more acquaintances, and even less so, most of the time. I don’t have the time or patience to be explaining myself to random strangers who just want to be nosy and gossip.

 

[Dark Horse]

Abandonment exists. People dump you because you no longer entertain them. So most friendships in this day and age are superficial ones. Television and social media teach us that if someone is a ‘bummer’ to dump them. And when you have PTSD your ‘friends’ don’t inform you that you have been dumped. It is up to you, using silence and texts/emails/phone calls not returned, to figure it out. It’s not hard to figure it out once you get used to looking for the clues. Clue #1: you are alone. But that’s ok because friends are not the answer to curing PTSD. People are deeply flawed creatures who have trouble at times with life on its terms. They may see friendship as a distraction from reality. But people with PTSD cannot be distracted from reality. Reality reminds them 24/7 that they are in a death struggle that occurs inside of them. Not fun!
So abandon me I say. I don’t want to compromise my self-esteem anymore by hiding who I am and overlooking other people’s deep flaws around compassion and empathy. I leave them to their televisions and other distractions. I resign myself to being alone because most people are ill equipped at being truly compassionate and understanding. Once I learned that fact I felt better. They are who they are and it is what it is. People and emotions are not permanent hence they are not good hooks on which to place your life.
Principles don’t move. These are solid. Truth, courage, endurance – these concepts don’t change and are not flawed like people are.
Remember, the word ‘friendship’ contains the word ‘end’ in it and ‘ship’ as in, “that ship has sailed”, to remind us that most friendships end. They are designed to. So abandon me I say. I put too much stock in friendship anyways. They don’t cure my PTSD and they are often dysfunctional messes.Were all on our own. God speed and be well.

 

[Denise1]

I was abused as a child by my father and suffer from PTSD. My mother died six months ago due to years alcohol and drug abuse. I was making progress accepting and not dumping on my friends so much prior to her death. After she died I was triggered in the worst way and my friends are seeing an ugly side of me of overwhelming emotion that I’m struggling to control. Thank you for this truth.

 

[Melagrana]

I am a friend of someone with PTSD. Possibly I have it myself. My friend is sometimes very demanding and difficult and at times I have felt like abandoning her because she is so stuck and shows no interest in trying to heal. But she is also loving precious and unique, and has been supportive of me through my own troubles. The thought of abandoning her is, in the end,mnot an option. It woulbe in humane, disloyal, a betrayal of her trust. What I want to encourage her to do is to get better professional help. I found the tone of your article callous towards those who are already suffering as if you are blaming vulnerable people from being understandably needy.