Abandonment Triggers Everywhere

[falling_wave]

Okay, so I think this is the main thing I'm trying to work on right and something that is incredibly hard to do. I know rationally that people don't try to hurt me most of the time or aren't planning to leave me. However, this doesn't stop me from noticing everything. My friend left for a game that she said we could go to together without me, No one said good morning when I came downstairs, people were unusually quiet around me at the office, etc. I can't shake it. It's small stuff that I don't want to react to but I feel like I'm going to cry and get into a bad space emotionally every time even if I was fully happy a moment before. I need to stop. It's causing so much pain and tearing me apart but I don't know how to stop the split second reactions. It started tonight and I knew I couldn't get out of it and didn't want to spoil my weekend so I took two xanax and am just waiting to fall asleep. I don't want to be needy and I don't let on to people how these things make me feel or exhibit needy behaviors I can just feel the depth of destruction it is having on my mind and body And it's not okay.

 

[Friday]

Suggestion : If you don't let people know, nothing will change. You can tell people, without whining about it and making it a self indulgent, super needy, poor-me-fest :D Promise.

I'm looooooonely :( is a world away different from
I'm totally lonely! Let's go get coffee! :)

Why won't anyone say hello to me :cry:
Hey all you beautiful, smart, charming people! :D Tom! Hey, Danilo! Maryam! I've been meaning to talk with you....

I just want someone to ask my how my day was :unsure:
Hola! I totally need to talk about my day, but first...How was your day? :playful:

All of the above are the exact same statements; I'm lonely, spend time with me, acknowledge my presence, show interest in my life... Done in a way that makes the other person feel good about doing so, instead of burdened with doing so. Same truth, different tone of voice.

My son is a raging extrovert, with charisma to spare... Meanwhile, I'm outgoing but very introverted. Managing people is & was something I have to work on. I have learned soooooo much from him. The things he does naturally? If I copy them, I get the same results. I simply* have to put effort into it, while he does it naturally. And it really all boils down to the golden rule: Treat others how you want to be treated. You want people to spend time with you? You ask to spend time with them. If someone does something nice for you... Do you want strings attached? Now you must XYZ for me? Nope! So only do nice things for people with no expectation of return. No one likes feeling bought, manipulated, or bribed. Et cetera.

* Ha.

ETA: You may well already know all this / just venting. When I'm a mess I simply don't have the energy to handle people, so buh-bye isolate time. It's been an uphill battle to learn any of this, however. So felt I should share, in case you're more like me and didn't come by this naturally.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can't get past the no expectations thing. I can't handle being let down all the time when people say they are going to do something and they don't. What is the point in even having relationships if you can't expect anything from anyone? I am to the point where I'm going to stop engaging with anyone because their word means nothing. Seems like others should stop promising things if they have no intention of following through. I see this no expectations crap as twisting things to blame the other party. Oh, you feel let down? That's your damn fault for actually believing me when I promised you something. Geezus, it's like the mind f*ck of my childhood allover again!!! People suck.

 

[Nam]

Ask why she went without you. If she's a good friend, she will tell the truth and open another time with you. We've all backed out on plans before. There are a million reasons. Some are actually understandable.

I'm glad you wrote it out and vented. But I think asking right then is good. Everyone quiet? "What's going on? " to curb those abandonment thoughts. And if it overwhelms you, everyone should have one person to say, "rough day. I need someone to say, xyz."

Asking for some support is ok too. Like @FridayJones said, it's how you ask for it.

I understand it. Logically you know that this is not something to be this upset over. But your emotions are very upset. You need to ask why. Then go take care of it or who or what. That usually takes effort from you to take care of yourself.
Hugs

 

[falling_wave]

Yes I think I do need to figure out how to say something that is socially acceptable rather than letting my mind run away with me but it is hard and @Solara I also struggle with the no expectations thing. I am the type of person who will notice little things (for positive or negative) and will do special small things all the time for the people I care about. I don't expect anything in return directly I guess I just expect not to be forgotten but it's a question of perception even for this. @Nam thanks for saying you are glad I wrote this. I felt kind of bad leaving this here too but it did help before I went to sleep. I asked about that one and she said it was because I hadn't been feeling good and she thought I was asleep even though I was better and it was the afternoon. I got to tell her my struggle with not feeling good and being alone and asked if she could just text me to make sure if she didn't think I was up for it. I need to do that more often you are totalky right. It does have to be hard for people to know what triggers or doesn't trigger me if I don't say. I appreciate you guys for helping me navigate through these struggles.

 

[Traci]

I so identify with this and it is unbearable sometimes. But, this does not happen every day. A lot of it has to do with me and I notice when I am in a good place, people seem to be friendly, it's just getting to that place more often. I do notice the tiniest signs of rejection too and it is hard. I have very few friends and am trying to put myself out there, but many of the "friends" I've had fed on my emotion and played games. I was molded to be a target, but I also realize I am a grown adult now and I have to take responsibility and work to improve my confidence, but it just sucks that there are people who will take and run with the slightest sign of vulnerability.