Abandonment?

[Kassandra]

Hello all,

The details are too numerous to go into properly, but my PTSD is about two years old and stems from an incredibly abusive, six-month circumstance that I experienced in a foreign country (which my therapist refers to as a "hostage situation"). I have also struggled with generalized anxiety disorder and depression for the past five years, yet still managed to get my Bachelor's degree at age 20, and hold down jobs consistently.

I was retraumatized in October, and it's been an uphill battle since then. It's been a little more difficult this time around. My parents were not aware of my PTSD during my initial healing process, so I worked through most of my issues on my own (with the help of my therapist and psychiatrist, of course). This time, both my mother and father pledged a commitment to support me and educate themselves about the condition during the healing period. I have lived with them since, as I try to piece myself and my life back together. It's not perfect, but I still get up every morning and try to be as productive as possible.

On Christmas Eve, my father decided that I wasn't getting better fast enough, in spite of hearing from my therapist and psychiatrist that healing doesn't really have a timeline...it might take a while, and get worse before it gets better! He had just had enough, and snapped. Called me pathetic, said I was "faking" my condition, etc. etc. He's someone who thinks that social anxiety is just a slightly worse version of shyness, so to say he doesn't understand mental health issues is an understatement.

As a result, he left our home and has been staying at another property several hours away. It's been incredibly stressful for both myself and my mother! I had to spend my birthday (January 2) at the ER, not because I was worried about hurting/killing myself, but because I have been in complete shut-down/fight-flight-freeze/dissociation/shock mode every since the end of December, and it's very disorienting and terrifying and I really wanted help of any sort!

I have a generally strong fear of abandonment, probably stemming from the fact that I was adopted and also from my PTSD self-loathing (which makes me feel that I don't "deserve" love). My mother decided to attend a NAMI session this past Thursday, and came home seemingly revived. She further pledged her commitment to my recovery and seemed to have a much deeper understanding of my circumstance.

Then I suggested she go see my father. They're still married (and happy in that marriage), and being away from him for a long period of time was clearly hard for her. I expressed a slight concern that he would manipulate her into leaving me as well (he's a manipulative type, not out of malice...it's just the way he is). She said that she was going to bring him the NAMI information and try to help him open his eyes a bit more and hopefully return home.

Well...she came back last night.

And said that I have approximately three days to move out of the house. She said that she had discussed the situation with my father and decided that this was "the best thing for everyone". Keep in mind that I don't currently have a job, have no place to stay, and am at the rock-bottom of my PTSD at the moment.

I just went straight into shock, and I'm still there. I've got a lot of the things I own packed up at this point, but I am just very confused. I tried to speak with her reasonably, but she refused to have any conversation at all, and I just...I feel even more abandoned and hurt and confused, and there's no way for me to understand the reasoning behind the decision, because neither she nor my father will acknowledge I exist!

It's uncharacteristic of them as human beings and parents, so it's not what I expected. I just...what?

 

[Jane.l]

Of course you feel abandoned and hurt, the lack of compassion for you is staggering. Have you contacted your T, I am sure you need some one in your corner and some support.

I guess you need to focus on practicality right now, do you have a friend or family member you could stay with until you work out what to do?

 

[blackemerald1]

@Kassandra okay, well for what it is worth, it seems your parents cannot decide whether or not to help you or hurt you.

For now it looks like it is the hurting.

So, without delving into why their decision was made. Stick to practicalities first.

You must find a room or somewhere to lay your head down and take stock of what your next move will be. ie a place to live for the longer term. Financial commitments, getting some kind of disability benefit to help you financially or whatever the equivalent is in your country.

Therapist see him or her at the earliest time you can so you can get help with any formal documents relating to your PTSD/disability.So you can eat and start providing the necessities you need.

Do you have a friend who can help you do any of this? If so, don't be backwards with asking. You do not have to tell the whole story, just that you have to move suddenly. A good friend should help you out, if you have one.

If not then a relative of the family who can be trusted to keep quiet that you are there. This might take a bit more explaining, but not knowing your options, is it a possibility, even in the short term?

For the moment, base everything on practical aspects of your life - except going to your Therapist/Psychiatrist.

Do not try to reason with the unreasonable, or stress yourself out with their decision. I know that is almost impossible to do, but you cannot be in a place where you are not even being acknowledged! That is even more stressful! And, you have been told to get out so do it.

For the moment don't look backwards, just forwards.

Make yourself a list of what you need to do and go though it, priorities first, needs first and wants second.

Once you are out, stay out,(not even to give them the satisfaction that you are okay). Sounds awful but they don't deserve to know right now if they PROMISED you they were going to help you though your illness and have done the OPPOSITE.

It sounds like living with your parents was never going to be ideal in the long run anyway, because constantly being assessed and judged as to your mental health by parents who don't know anything about your illness, is just not healthy.

Love for your parents doesn't have anything to do with this right now. Love for yourself and your safety and well being does.

Deal with whether you love them or not, go to see them or not, after the crisis they created for you has stabilized.

I know you are at rock bottom with your PTSD. But, the short description you gave of what sounds to me to be a much longer and traumatic history and were making improvements, has now been a big set-back for your recovery.

However, you sound like you have the capacity to work out somewhere safe for yourself and get yourself moving. It will be distressing and exhausting. Just grit you teeth and do it. Not for them but for you.

If it is any comfort, I have been kicked out of several places at instant notice. Even when extremely ill with PTSD. It can be done, and if you have help then take it, if not do it on your own and rise above your parents obvious limitations in terms of knowledge, protectiveness and promises.

Please make sure you get in touch with your psychiatrist and therapist as soon as possible. Like yesterday! Hospital and the associated social services that come with being homeless might be an option your psychiatrist push for them to offer you. I don't know how this works in your country. Sound it out.

Let us know how you go and good luck.

 

[Friday]

I going to come at this with a different take.

Your father didn't disown you. He went somewhere else for awhile to cool down, to take care of some business he needed to. You're both adults. An adult leaving to go take care of themselves for awhile (whether mentally/emotionally like your dad did, or for school/ work/ etc.) isn't being abandoned. It's self care, and the business of living. It also sounds like one of the more compassionate choices he could have made, as evidenced by the blowup that led to his needing to go take care of himself for awhile. The alternative being a day in and day out fight.

Same token... I've come home to live (or extended visit) with my parents in the past. Even when functioning on all cylinders? It's stressful & disruptive having another person living in your home. Your day to day patterns have to change to accommodate them. My family loves me to pieces, but that doesn't mean that I'm easy to live with, even at the best of times. The same goes the other way, as well... When my parents have come to visit me? I love them dearly... I enjoy their visits... And I'm grateful when I have my house back!!!

So... You've lived with your parents for a few months now... And it's clearly not working out. This isn't the end of the world. There's definitely a choice in how you look at things; they've abandoned you, you have no work, & no place to go... Or they've given you a three (four?) month break, able to stay home with family who loves you dearly, before needing to figure things out on your own again as an adult.

 

[xkane]

This is what I'm going to say --- I have seen this story happen again and again, and I myself have lived it. I'm going to tell you what you already know deep down somewhere inside yourself: Your father is abusive. You are not in a SAFE place staying with your parents. In fact, some of the things they've done in your past contributed to you developing PTSD. You need to get out of their house as soon as possible, and never stay with them again for any extended time period. PTSD cannot heal under such circumstances, and his unstable behavior is going to make your PTSD worse. It already has. Get out of there as fast as you can. If you have any aunts or uncles or cousins or good friends, you'd be better off going to live with them for a while ASAP, or getting whatever job is needed for you to move to you own place as soon as possible. All PTSD therapies will be worthless while you are living with person who is so abusive and destructive.

 

[darrenS]

im sorry to hear your being put through this....i can certainly relate, when i was diagnosed with ptsd my partner of 18 years turned to me and said ...so what i dont want to know anything about it. I was hospitalized for 10 days the first time - i seen her for 2 hrs and granted you werent allowed to bring kids in , but she was quick to use my situation to get support for herself and blab my info everywhere , and recently yes ..its been im acting ..get over it there is nothing wrong...this is while im alone and in serious flashbacks..she gets angry as she feels i should have no problem being at a swim comp with hundreds of people...so yes i relate totally ...i have actually cut everyone off - family..wife etc..as i simply cant cope with the continual hurt on top of everything else - i hope you get a good handle on it and find a solution...its a tough place to be in

 

[Chava]

Agree it doesn't sound like a safe place anyway, though I'm very sorry for how much it hurts. If your dad is this frustrated and has to move out and you are living with your mom, it's just not peachy perfect to begin with. It's very hard to live with our parents as adults, even harder when they don't understand our trauma or mental illness, even if they try.

It almost sounds like you might be trying to work out your abandonment trauma through them. And as they are not professionals in healing abandonment trauma, they will likely always fail and as long as you live with them, you will feel triggered. It's best worked out in therapy.

I have some early abandonment stuff too, tied probably mostly to medical traumas (being left alone in the hospitals for months or weeks). And also not a very safe attachment to my primary caregiver. So I still have that pain and it gets confusing. When I'm in pain or struggling, I feel like I will just die unless someone can rescue me. That is very true for a baby, who is powerless and immobile. I feel all of these things. But I am mobile, I can take care of myself, I can make decisions, etc. But when triggered or really stressed or exhausted, this knowledge doesn't always help me...I'm waiting for someone to save me from myself. If they leave, I will die!!!! If we try to work this stuff out with family or friends, as much as they love us or mean to help, they will almost always disappoint or trigger us. That's why therapy is a much safer place to work through all of these hard feelings. On your own you could be free to find how you really are powerful, how you are less triggered without being constantly with your family, and maybe where better supports are when you need them...or maybe meet up with your mom often, like for lunch or something, since it sounds like you have a good connection. They aren't abandoning you. They just want you to move out of their house. It hurts like hell, and maybe they don't really know what they are doing, but they probably believe it is for your own good and theirs. But for all the parts that feel wrong and hurt badly, bring that to your therapist. Certainly it triggers very old abandonment stuff, but really, it's nearly impossible to heal that right within your family. You have to heal it from inside yourself and a good therapist can help.

Hang in there. You can be angry at them and hurt. But you will also survive....maybe there is a young version of yourself that doesn't believe it, but you as adult can do it. You'll find new connections and have less need for your parents, but they will still be there for you. It's just time for separate spaces.

 

[Kassandra]

Just as a quick update (things are hectic), turns out the reason behind the sudden "get out of here" is that my father has been threatening my mother with divorce because of me.

Which makes me feel just peachy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I tend to agree with so many here. You do need to get as far away from your toxic parents as soon as possible. Can you go to a shelter? I know it is not the best solution for you but it is a step you can take to get yourself stable.

I am so sad about what you are experiencing. You have been abandoned. It hurts like hell, I know because it also happened to me two weeks before I graduated from high school.

I was lucky that I had a good friend who knew someone who would take me in. I was crawling out of hell.

I went through a series of living here and there but it was the best I could do with my circumstances. I really hope you do take really good care of yourself at this time. My heart goes out to you so much.. I do know how bad this feels. It is just the beginning of reclaiming your life back for yourself.

 

[blackemerald1]

Well, IMHO it sounds like your Dad is using you as a scapegoat for much deeper marital issues. So, I don't think you should take that rubbish on yourself. There must be issues your father has that go way beyond you. You simply were not there long enough to have caused this type of over-reaction by your father. I really do think that their marital discord goes a lot deeper than just you being there. Toss it aside, focus on your own problems and let them work out their marriage.

He wants you out and your mother is wiling to let him make the call. So, for now, just forget about this "reason" for evicting with such short notice and focus on what you need to do for yourself.

Again, because you were not prepared for this and are very ill, see if your psychiatrist can hospitalize you for a few weeks, giving you a chance to be safe, monitored, counselled and given relative peace. Whilst there, you can have a chance to think of what residential options you may have and your disability benefits (if you have them in your country will kick in) giving you some financial assistance.

it's just a thought. You can store things away for a short time if necessary, and then when you feel well enough, and leave hospital, perhaps things will be a bit more organised.

 

[Jane.l]

Your father is just using you to manipulate your mother - the others are right it's not really about you.