About To Go Talk To A Long-term Acquaintance.

[rightkindofme]

Ok, well phrased. That is very deflecting and I appreciate that.

There is a lot more to the story. Yes, I am very familiar with re-enacting trauma. I'm a lot more deliberate about it. I didn't stop and write out the twenty page dissertation on why this was a low risk decision for me. Feeling intense anxiety is not a reason to *not* do things. He is someone in a community I occasionally think about visiting but I see them once or twice a year. He doesn't have a lot of reach.

In the community in which I met him such a comment would not only have been appropriate it would have been sought out. Given that he took care to be quiet and unobtrusive he had reason to believe it might be welcome. He misjudged.

I don't think all men are dogs. I think men are people. I think that when people cross a boundary they need to be given a chance to find out why and how they did so and be given a chance to make amends. I don't give second chances. I have never told this man anything about myself and I met him in a community where I was a 24/7 slave. It was ok to say that kind of thing to me.

In the past I have solicited this man for sex (before I was married) and he said, "I don't do that. But if you ask my wife very nicely she might let me hit you and you can blow me." I'm really not worried about him trying to get me to cheat. Really and truly.

I make carefully considered decisions. I know this is a person who has been critical of "big name" people in the bdsm community who are abusive. He isn't a bad person. He does, however, spend most of his time around women who like being told that they are hot enough to drag off. He thought he was being nice. His little enclave is weird and twisted but all of the interactions are very consensual.

Ok, I did feel offended but I choose to think that today was such a win that you get a free pass.

I did take a risk. He might have reacted in a way I didn't like. I rehearsed a variety of scripts in preparation. And I got what I wanted. And discovered an ally who shared his experiences and who promised to never talk about my sexuality again. Given that I know he has been very successful in his business life I believe he can respect those boundaries when he chooses to.

He gets one chance. He didn't know he was doing wrong.

I just can't damn people for one mistake like that. :( That kind of shunning has happened to me so much.

 

[mamachick]

Well I am just glad things turned out as you hoped and you are safe. Not just worried about him getting you to cheat, (if he has left the community) sometimes there is a connection and men want to draw you in. Or still in the community and want to draw you in. OK, I admit I am not the most trusting. But what is the percentage of rapes that the perp is male?

I guess I would have the same reaction if someone were meeting up with a past abuser. Again, just glad you are safe.

 

[rightkindofme]

That is where the unhealthy jump is, in my opinion. This person wasn't an abuser. He is a decent guy who said something kind of thoughtless. He didn't do anything to deserve being shunned without notice.

I think not giving people a chance is unhealthy. That's PTSD paranoia talking.

 

[mamachick]

Its ok-we can agree to disagree. Abusers dont have markings on their heads. You have been abused ( we all have) and wanting an ally is normal. I think if we are honest, we all want acceptance. I know his statement is accepted and even a compliment within a particular group of people. But you are no longer part of that group by choice. If someone, anyone, makes a comment that is objectifying of you, what is wrong with walking away without explaination.

He has the same opportunity for change/ecovery as you do. He objectifies and sexualizes women, and I think acceptance of this behavior is unhealthy. From what I gather, after the conversation, he will not do that again, but that is still who he is, whether he states it or not. If he wanted to know better-he would. You say that he is a nice guy and I am not trying to make you defensive of him, but in this day and age, I think it is bad behavior to sexualize a woman in the way that he commented to you. If he was a former cop, both he and his wife have ptsd, one might expect that he has grown through this. If something is important to us, we learn.

Also, we do not do things that we don't get something out of. What do you gain from acceptance from a man with a weird and twisted enclave of women? Those of us with ptsd often dont trust at all, or trust too easily, sometimes vascilating between the two. There is a happy medium. A healthy person seeks relationships that have potential to enhance their lives, then moves slowly while trust is earned. Evidently, his acceptance and apology met a need for you.

Please know, this is not a criticism, just an opinion backed by many studies of human behavior and victimology.

Again, I say this with caring and hope you take it for what it is worth. You walked away from a community for a better way of life. You have a husband that loves you and ??I think children. You have a new start. I know the impact of past experiences play on us.

 

[rightkindofme]

Wow. You know, my therapist told me that this forum may not be a good place for me. After reading your comment I am suspecting that she is right.

You do not have a crystal ball. Your comments are dogmatic and absolute. You are not God.

 

[mamachick]

If you copy this for your therapist and she thinks contact is a good idea, she is an idiot and I would like her name to report this to a licensing board. She could explain what her theory is based on. If you need the attention of a man that objectifies and and sexualizes you, have a good time. I am only stating that this type of behavior is dangerous for others. It is evidently good for you and you clearly prefer it. Not an arguement form me. Enjoy.

 

[rightkindofme]

Ok, I am on my second night of not sleeping because I am so angry. Are you God? Do you have an omniscience problem? Please never comment on anything I write again. You are not in any way shape or form being respectful or polite and I really don't need this from you.

Your opinion is not necessary any further. Please choose to opt out. Can you manage that? Are you capable of not being snotty?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Your opinion is not necessary any further. Please choose to opt out.

Brat was banned from the thread rightkindofme. She can no longer see it or reply.

 

[rightkindofme]

Oh! I didn't know that. Thank you so much.

Thank you. <3 Thank you <3 Thank you <3

 

[BloomInWinter]

rightkindofme,

I hope you're feeling better. There are times when we are on the receiving end of painful things and it hurts. Usually, though, it really isn't about us, it's about where that person was at the time.

That's not an excuse for others nor does it mitigate the pain we feel. But we can choose to comfort ourselves at such times, identify the safe people around who do stand by us and help us feel better, and prepare ourselves to be able to handle such situations the next time we are faced with them. As we all will be.

What kind of self-care routine do you have? When I'm upset, I grab my teddy-bear if I'm at home. At work, I look at pictures of smiling babies on Google.