Sufferer Abuse Survivor, Mdd, Gad, Ptsd

[36YearVictim]

Hi to All. I needed a place to talk. I was in an abusive marriage (verbal, emotional and sexual) for 36 years. It took far too long to see how awful life was, how cruel DS was and how much of me was slipping away. No one wants to hear my story. He lied about the divorce, made himself the victim and even my kids drank the Kool Aid. I taught college for 20 years but had to retire early due to disability. Then DS didn't want to take care of me, so lost the job, the abusive husband, the house, the kids - everything just gone. I have a great therapist, I've been going to see him for over 5 years and he has kept me alive on many occasions. I slipped badly this weekend, the rage from the PTSD is so hard to deal with, impossible at times to control. Recently DS's colleague found my LinkedIn Profile and DS hit the ceiling telling me to take it down as I talk about being a survivor of abuse and listing all of my emotional disorders. I did not take it down and I won't. I am pleased he has been outed and his coworkers are finding out. But the anger...it leads to harmful thoughts and they are getting stronger and I am growing weaker. And I had been doing so well...sigh... This life is an unending nightmare and though I know it is up to me to pick myself up, I am getting so tired of trying. I'm so glad that he has been outed and I am watching a story about an abused wife who committed suicide and now the husband is going on trial for murder. It is time to hold these perps accountable for their heinous behavior. No one should be treated like this. How do they justify themselves?. So sad, so alone, so unfair. I know I can't get a do-over in life, that I am stuck with the one I have. But how do I live with it?

 

[Longing_for_the_sea]

@36YearVictim I'm sorry for the pain and anguish you have had to endure for so long. It is hard when you look back over a life and wonder how it happened all around you, but you didn't seem to 'see' it coming. In my situation, I too was 'the bad guy' for making things known. Also it was minimized so much by him... his friends, and his mother... it was made to seem like I was making it up for so long. I sometimes need to talk to someone who lived through it with me so I can be reminded of just how real the abuse was. It ended 15 years ago. I started over... the way I wanted to. Take a breath. A deep one. Feel the peace in your own home. The tension and fear are not there hanging in the air anymore. The air should be clear now. Only the 'demons' in your head remain... they will hang on for awhile, but you have power over them. You just need the right help to realize it. Your therapist sounds like a good one and I am glad you have him.

I am new here, only joined a few days ago, but I have already had lots of support. You found another good resource for help and some kindred spirits you can really talk to. I hope you can work through your PTSD... it is certainly a battle, but it is one that you can win. If you are strong enough to survive and keep your wits after 36 years - you can do this. I have no doubt.

 

[BlueDream]

((Hugs))
I wish I could get a do-over also!!

 

[GrayOwl]

Push the restart button and live life every day forward with the gusto of someone who has been plucked off a life raft after 36 years adrift at sea.
How? I don't know.
I'm largely in the same boat at age 59.
I'm determined to come back better than ever before, with what little I have left, and use what I have learned and experienced to maximize my worth and enjoyment each day.
Otherwise I have no reason to go on.
The anger, the hurt, the frustration...???
I vent (some) - no-one really wants to hear it.
Therapy.
Positives. I put positives in my life...swimming, GOOD people - based on educated choices today, feeding birds, walks, service work.
I apply positive mental imaging in as much of my outlook as I allow myself to do.
On society's standards, I am a failure. By my standards, I am a good person.
People don't understand bullying and abuse, nor do they really care unless it has happened to them.
It's work. Hard work. But anger and resentment are poisons that affect me - not others.
How do I get rid of mine? I don't always. Just a fact of life. I'm learning to accept that. I try to get rid of as much as I can...do the best I can. But I try.
I'm so sorry for your situation. I truly am. Thank you for posting. And thank you for sharing. It has helped me to express better where I am at and need to be. Sometimes I don't realize that myself.
Good luck. Please don't be afraid to share here.
Sending a :hug: to help you on your way.
There truly are some wonderful moments left in life if I allow myself to experience them.

 

[trying2movefwd]

I tell myself I can't change the past, but I can do something to make my today better...okay, okay I need to tell myself this. I am a survivor also. You mentioned suicide (that you were watching a news story). You are right we don't deserve to be treated that way. One can feel trapped and unable to find a way out. There is more than one way out (physically and mentally ). It's not easy, but it's worth it. If you ever feel so down that you start thinking suicidal thoughts please reach out for help. There are hotlines or emergency numbers you can call or even chat with. I know you didn't mention more than watching the news story, but just a reminder. ..just in case...there are so many beautiful things in the world that abuse and the memory of abuse blinds us to...yes Take a deep breath, feel the sunshine,rain,or snow, smell some flowers, listen for something that you like to hear, taste whatever it is you like to taste, most of all stay as safe as you can. Welcome, hope you find the support your looking for here.