Sexual Assault It’s hard being a survivor

[Hopemeanslife]

I’m a sexual abuse/assault survivor
I’m currently undergoing treatment for ptsd for it, they seem to think I may have it.

I can’t help to notice an awful amount of posts of confessions on this page for crimes they have committed, think that’s a bit beyond being a safe place for no judgment but that’s none of my business, I’m not really surprised really, I mean I have this awful intrusive thought most days that there is more abusers than everyone really knows, they think I’m paranoid, I’ve shared it with my counsellor; I guess it’s my idea from my experiences.

Really I don’t know how I can move forward in life living with all the things that has happened and how people decided to treat me I don’t think I can move past it and live a normal life after all, think it’s just hanging on to hope when I feel it possible, I think I may feel like this for the rest of my life and there’s nothing I can do, I try and get help but even then I’m like what is it helping; it’s just nothing seems to help it, about 15 years ago I thought to myself surely this isn’t gonna be me for the rest of my life I’m sure it’ll get better, it has to get better. No one ever really told me it would get better so I guess it never does. You know like with an accident people say you’ll be okay you just need.. but this type of thing they ask how I am knowing I will say nothing it’s all quite strange. This has been going on for far too long, it’s so draining for the last 17years.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

There are a lot of people opening up about having roles in COCSA on here, which almost automatically puts them in extremely different realms to adult abusers, who are criminals. And often the driving forces behind these things occurring between children. Kids on both sides need the support and safety.

It is hard. And I do agree, more bad people than most non-traumatised people want to admit. Long an exhausting, but it’s not hopeless. Given the right circumstances, we can all attain something better. Finding the right therapist… etc. is balls difficult, but finding the right internal and external resources can make a world of difference to how relentless/heavy it feels.

I say this as someone who has been sexually traumatised for most of their life. You probably won’t “get over it” like a physical injury heals over, but slowly (and non-linearly) things can really improve.

I’m sorry it’s hard, and I’m sorry that healing is also hard. It’s all unnecessarily hard. But not impossible, and I hope you can be in the position to make a start soon.


Have you ever seen anyone specialising in trauma? And have you looked at how Trauma Diaries function here? Having one myself and using it for exposure therapy has helped me manage myself and start processing things. No magic cure, but definitely has helped me out, at least to bridge the gap between / compliment therapy.

 

[Sues]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I've been sexually assaulted and strangled, and had many other horrible things done to me by my abuser for years. I've been in therapy with a trauma therapist for 3-4 years, and I can tell you that it does get better! I've seen a few therapists that were not specifically trained in trauma, and it was not a good situation to be in with them. EMDR has helped me so much. I of course struggle a lot, often feel like I won't ever get better, and want to give up. BUT that's all part of the healing journey. It's not a quick journey, but we'll get there. Please don't lose hope.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Depends on your definition of getting "better" really. The events need to be processed somehow for you to actually move on over time but it'll still come with intrusive thoughts.

I see you're triggered by some posts, most of them are children who wanted to explore and didn't know any better and now have regrets.

I once thought I would "get over it" as well but now is taking over my mind everyday.

If you're in treatment and want it, it's a HUGE step, trust me. Recovery doesn't happen overnight or in a week. It takes trial and error. Keep hanging onto the hope of moving on, it's better than doing nothing about it.

 

[Movingforward10]

No one ever really told me it would get better so I guess it never does.

It does get better. But it takes a lot of time and hard work to get to be in a better healthier place.
I also had sexual abuse/assault, as a child/teenager. I think I was 18 the last time I was raped.
I have been in therapy for 5 years. And so many things are better: a lot of my triggers have gone, or if I am triggered it's more manageable now.
Last weekend, I visited the place I was exploited around. Something I never thought I would be able to manage without feeling very scared. But I went, felt sad, but also hugely empowering and it was actually a beautiful experience.
I never ever ever thought I would put the word "beautiful" to those streets where those things happened to me.
Healing brings possibilities that are unimaginable when you're in the thick of it.


In terms of people posting on here: use the ignore button for people or threads that trigger you. That has helped me a lot.

 

[Hopemeanslife]

There are a lot of people opening up about having roles in COCSA on here, which almost automatically puts them in extremely different realms to adult abusers, who are criminals. And often the driving forces behind these things occurring between children. Kids on both sides need the support and safety.

It is hard. And I do agree, more bad people than most non-traumatised people want to admit. Long an exhausting, but it’s not hopeless. Given the right circumstances, we can all attain something better. Finding the right therapist… etc. is balls difficult, but finding the right internal and external resources can make a world of difference to how relentless/heavy it feels.

I say this as someone who has been sexually traumatised for most of their life. You probably won’t “get over it” like a physical injury heals over, but slowly (and non-linearly) things can really improve.

I’m sorry it’s hard, and I’m sorry that healing is also hard. It’s all unnecessarily hard. But not impossible, and I hope you can be in the position to make a start soon.


Have you ever seen anyone specialising in trauma? And have you looked at how Trauma Diaries function here? Having one myself and using it for exposure therapy has helped me manage myself and start processing things. No magic cure, but definitely has helped me out, at least to bridge the gap between / compliment therapy.

There’s children experimenting and then there’s child on child sexual abuse, I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and well I know the differences compared to these people fully admitting raping and sexually assaulting other children that’s definitely not children experimenting, feeling bad or not they are a criminal that is a criminal act but again my opinion and it’s illegal but again sure my opinion and the law, I’m not triggered by other peoples post I just don’t like people making excuses for it, I would rather someone admit what they are.

I guess I have come to the conclusion I won’t get over, it’s a hard thing to understand let alone to try and get over it. Also doesn’t help when you are a survivor over repeated acts so I can relate to being traumatised repeatedly makes it harder.

I see many posts where people say how they got help and got better and bla bla and I just think everyone is lying at this point.

I have a therapist that specifies in csa and sa who I’ve been with for the last 6months, he’s great but he doesn’t have all the answers.

I was looking into trauma dairies maybe it’s a better sector than this one, doesn’t feel like I belong if there’s abusers here

Hello and welcome to the forum. I've been sexually assaulted and strangled, and had many other horrible things done to me by my abuser for years. I've been in therapy with a trauma therapist for 3-4 years, and I can tell you that it does get better! I've seen a few therapists that were not specifically trained in trauma, and it was not a good situation to be in with them. EMDR has helped me so much. I of course struggle a lot, often feel like I won't ever get better, and want to give up. BUT that's all part of the healing journey. It's not a quick journey, but we'll get there. Please don't lose hope.

I’m glad you have found support and things have helped you and thank you for replying to show me there’s hope! I haven’t ever been in therapy unless it’s sexual abuse related. How was emdr? Was you highly triggered? I know it’s not an overnight thing. I just try and don’t seem like much is given back you know?

Depends on your definition of getting "better" really. The events need to be processed somehow for you to actually move on over time but it'll still come with intrusive thoughts.

I see you're triggered by some posts, most of them are children who wanted to explore and didn't know any better and now have regrets.

I once thought I would "get over it" as well but now is taking over my mind everyday.

If you're in treatment and want it, it's a HUGE step, trust me. Recovery doesn't happen overnight or in a week. It takes trial and error. Keep hanging onto the hope of moving on, it's better than doing nothing about it.

Getting better is getting better. If you’re only a little bit better you’re not better. I want to be better. If I’m triggered by everything I’m not getting better that’s what I mean.

I’m not triggered the post I have read are criminals they have raped and sexually assaulted children ok they feel bad great. But they’re still criminals. I know what it’s like for a child to come to you and try and experiment with you that’s not experimenting with you because the abuser is aware what he wants to happen and the other child is going with it because they are young and don’t understand, as a csa survivor I cannot be supporting them

Exactly now always takes over the mind so it is hard, I just don’t think I’ll ever be where I thought I would get to

I’ll carry on seeing professionals to help me but it’s just what I’m thinking, I know it’s not easy but should it really be this hard either you know?

 

[Sideways]

I guess I have come to the conclusion I won’t get over, it’s a hard thing to understand let alone to try and get over it.

Have you come across the concept of post-traumatic growth? If not, it may be a more helpful place to heal from. The idea is that we don’t ‘over over it’ so much as recover and grow beyond it, in a way that we get to determine for ourselves.

Also doesn’t help when you are a survivor over repeated acts so I can relate to being traumatised repeatedly makes it harder.

Definitely can make it harder. Recognition is slowly coming in the form of Complex PTSD. That concept was first coined by Judith Herman in the early 1990s (so, not a long time ago - her book is really good), and recognises that in addition to the clinical symptoms of PTSD, experiencing chronic trauma can have additional profound impacts on a person. Which warrant treatment and recovery also.

 

[Hopemeanslife]

It doesn't get better. But it takes a lot of time and hard work to get to be in a better healthier place.
I also had sexual abuse/assault, as a child/teenager. I think I was 18 the last time I was raped.
I have been in therapy for 5 years. And so many things are better: a lot of my triggers have gone, or if I am triggered it's more manageable now.
Last weekend, I visited the place I was exploited around. Something I never thought I would be able to manage without feeling very scared. But I went, felt sad, but also hugely empowering and it was actually a beautiful experience.
I never ever ever thought I would put the word "beautiful" to those streets where those things happened to me.
Healing brings possibilities that are unimaginable when you're in the thick of it.


In terms of people posting on here: use the ignore button for people or threads that trigger you. That has helped me a lot.

That’s great and the story you have just shared is many stories I have read from survivors. I just wish that road of recovery seemed easier to get on to. You did therapy for 5 years that’s a long time and I know it takes long but sometimes I’m not sure how much time I have left.

I’m so glad for where you are at.
Thank you for sending me hope

 

[Movingforward10]

That’s great and the story you have just shared is many stories I have read from survivors. I just wish that road of recovery seemed easier to get on to. You did therapy for 5 years that’s a long time and I know it takes long but sometimes I’m not sure how much time I have left.

I’m so glad for where you are at.
Thank you for sending me hope

There is hope. And it does take a long time. There is a lot to heal from.
I don’t know what you mean that you don’t know how much time you have left. Illness? Age? Suicidal ideation?
It does take time. There are no quick fixes with this. And therapy is gruelling. It’s a big commitment. But getting better is worth it.

 

[Hopemeanslife]

There is hope. And it does take a long time. There is a lot to heal from.
I don’t know what you mean that you don’t know how much time you have left. Illness? Age? Suicidal ideation?
It does take time. There are no quick fixes with this. And therapy is gruelling. It’s a big commitment. But getting better is worth it.

Yeah as in I don’t know how much longer I have, suicide ideation if you will.. I just always feel like I am running out of time and my life is passing by while being in this rut all the time it’s like I am stuck, almost as if I am wasting my life away feeling terrible for what has happened.

I guess all I can do is remain in therapy and hope it helps

 

[Mary. OoH]

I’m a sexual abuse/assault survivor
I’m currently undergoing treatment for ptsd for it, they seem to think I may have it.

I can’t help to notice an awful amount of posts of confessions on this page for crimes they have committed, think that’s a bit beyond being a safe place for no judgment but that’s none of my business, I’m not really surprised really, I mean I have this awful intrusive thought most days that there is more abusers than everyone really knows, they think I’m paranoid, I’ve shared it with my counsellor; I guess it’s my idea from my experiences.

Really I don’t know how I can move forward in life living with all the things that has happened and how people decided to treat me I don’t think I can move past it and live a normal life after all, think it’s just hanging on to hope when I feel it possible, I think I may feel like this for the rest of my life and there’s nothing I can do, I try and get help but even then I’m like what is it helping; it’s just nothing seems to help it, about 15 years ago I thought to myself surely this isn’t gonna be me for the rest of my life I’m sure it’ll get better, it has to get better. No one ever really told me it would get better so I guess it never does. You know like with an accident people say you’ll be okay you just need.. but this type of thing they ask how I am knowing I will say nothing it’s all quite strange. This has been going on for far too long, it’s so draining for the last 17years.

Horrible experience,

Yet maybe and as its been new for me accepting my sexual assaults. I say it easy survive , my body refuses to quit. In permanent adrenaline. Sleep evaporates, hungry ever ending on an empty stomach, a jaw that won't chew, and a throat that can't Swallow. It's hard living with the new me. A life style alternative, new snacking style, new people and closed doors. I ain't who I was, it sucked a bubble of joy from my being. Years on, I am grounded, wounded and adamant. I find it easy survive , suffered worst than any and we share that. We survived and I hate life for that until this forum. It easy survive, hard to live. Breathe in....hold...exhale.... inhale..... feel your heart. It's no longer connected..it's fractured. Yet we can live with fractures...we need to be allowed to live with fractures. People challenge it, by minimising our hearts. Live your sadness and never ever allow any person to steal our shame. Our shame is our pillar, our shame is our adrenaline, our shame is our foundation. Our shame should be felt for most and many. Our shame is not our burden . It's those who fear our shame , only to realise it's not us. It's THEM.

Inhale /exhale. No words will ever find a means to fulfill that void, yet hugging the void is far easier to believe.

No person has permission to touch my body... my rules, my day, my control. That I can power into ... it takes hours each day, it's never easy and it's never fun, I hope to change that. I can control this day...not the weather ... my attitude, my mentality. I keep me safe.... I lose yet I finally feel able. I also did years of martial arts...not to harm to self protect.

And it's not about your gender , we've all been dis-empowered.... in-power/ power ? What ? Breathe.... it never is easy, never yet make it less Hard!

 

[Friday]

think that’s a bit beyond being a safe place for no judgment but that’s none of my business

Of COURSE it’s your business.

This? Being the INTERNET?!? Is NOT a safe space. It’s just not. It’s the internet.

THIS? Is a place for PTSD & Trauma. THIS is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

A great deal of people who’ve experienced trauma, or have PTSD, go on to treat others badly (which needs to stop, but also happens -usually long term, many many many people over years and decades, often the people we love most & are closest to- until people learn to stop lashing out at convenient targets, or blaming others for our own shit, or both), or -especially children- have acted out their own abuse on others. That’s PART of trauma. Not a pretty victim wrapped up in unicorns, but real people, trying to parse their lives & be better.

As well as? Trolls, Predators, & other Assholes looking for victims/targets. As STAFF we can nix/ban those we find. And alert members. But? It’s still the internet. Not a safe space, by definition. Which we DO try to remind people >>> Members Take Note - Everyone Is Not Who You May Think

Also? If you haven’t read it, yet? >>> Community Constitution

I don’t think I can move past it and live a normal life after al

A normal life is only what we IMAGINE other people have.

Are you blind/deaf/paralysed?
Have you been raped/ gang raped / sold into sexual slavery / sold into slavery?
Do you have a terminal illness?
Are you fighting for your life in a combat zone?
Are you a mountain climber?
A professional athlete?
An actor, or politician, carny, freedom fighter?
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
Et CETERA.

Noooooo one is “normal”, living a “normal” life. “Normal”? Is what OTHER PEOPLE looking at YOU, think YOU have. Because either you don’t live their life, or do, but hide it.

Apx
1:4 children have been abused or sexually abused.
1:6 females have been raped.
4:5 female vets have been raped.
1:33 men have been raped.

Next time you’re in a crowd of 50 to a 100 “normal” people, living “normal” lives? Think of those stats. And include yourself. As everyone else? Thinks YOU are normal. Living a normal life. Because you ARE normal. As are they. 100 people at an intersection, waiting to cross the street? A quarter of them are abused kids. A sixth of the women have been sexually assaulted. A handful of the men. But you think you’re alone, whilst the rest have no idea? So. Do. They.