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Abusive and pathological lying father targeting young women

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Noëlle Ang

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Need advice:
My mother and father (late 50s) are still legally married. No longer physically living together.
However, recent years it was exposed that my father had been leading an extreme double life and had beed manipulating and abusing a girl in her early 20s.
My father is of Asian descent and looks much younger than his western friends/colleagues. He was in part able to lead a double life since my mother kicked him out of the house some years ago
due to his serial cheating and pathological lying.

It has been exposed that my father has been manipulating, gaslighting, future faking an engagement, even impregnating his victims. Even physically having beaten up one former victim who had confronted him on things not adding up in his life.

He claims to regret having abused his most recent victim, causing her immense trauma and ptsd due to emotional and physical abuse. She had found out his true identity and reported him to the police. My father now claims he wants to change, however I am weary of his words.

Do you think my father could really want to change and regrets abusing his victim, or does he only regret being caught and exposed? My father has always been a great financial provider to me and my sister, however he has cheated on my mother numerous times, and I have heard stories that my grandfather also had a secret much younger second wife in Asia. Also, my father's side of the family has links to a criminal past in Amsterdam, and are active in the casino industry.

I am starting to think, the men in our family are all high performing narcissists who deceive, cheat, lie and abuse - as long as they can get away with it.
 
Do you think my father could really want to change and regrets abusing his victim, or does he only regret being caught and exposed?
Not sure what value there is in attempting to mind-read your dad. If he wants to change, he will. If he doesn’t change, it doesn’t really matter what’s going on in his head because it counts for SFA.
 
Not sure what value there is in attempting to mind-read your dad. If he wants to change, he will. If he doesn’t change, it doesn’t really matter what’s going on in his head because it counts for SFA.
hmm, true. I guess I still need to learn to accept everything that's happened... p.s. sorry what's SFA?
 
Do you think my father could really want to change and regrets abusing his victim, or does he only regret being caught and exposed?
He doesn't care about changing. He's over 50 years old, he knows his behavior is harmful. If he wanted to change he would have tried to change much earlier.

He might have some regrets inside but we have no way of knowing this and it's irrelevant since he's spent decades engaging in harmful abuse. To contrast a bit, (spoiler for a bunch of self-centered nonsense)

I am someone who has had antisocial tendencies from infancy. Since I was 16 I wanted to change my behavior as I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong before this but I felt entitled to behave however I wanted since I went through a lot of trauma and felt the world owed me.

Then after treatment I learned better. I still had and even have a lot of shitty behaviors in adulthood but it was always like I snapped or lost control of my normal baseline which was dedicated to trying to change.

I would apologize quickly and go back to trying to be better. I wasn't embarrassed to be in trouble or something, I did do the things and I know I did them and I was responsible for them especially in adulthood. Shit like yelling, fights, throwing objects, etc.

So for me I have very little patience for people who show no sign of remorse until they are caught because I have spent years trying to be better on my own. Which means I know exactly what actually goes into it and what it looks like - this is not it.

The reason I mention this isn't to get back pats or a good job as the shit I have done was terrible and I don't really get a cookie for trying to be the way a normal person ought to be - but to show you the case of someone who does have sincere remorse and not just limited to the aftermath of being caught.
 
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