Abusive Father Is Dying

[LondonLeo]

Hello,

My Dad (or abusive biological sperm donor if you prefer) has been given months to live.
We've been estranged for a while, occasional phone calls, seen him twice in 20 years for superficial contact.
When I was 8 he punched out my front tooth because I accidentally dropped a glass ornament.
Over the next 8 years until I left home I had cigarette burns, black eyes, emotionally he put me down, critical and just generally a nasty selfish alcoholic. Never even bought me a coat, I froze every winter.
You get the picture.

Since the early 80's he's been talking about his will, how me and my siblings will all get a few £ when he dies, how it's split up with his wife and us kids etc...
Now I look back it feels like a carrot, or even some perverse manipulation to stop his own children from disowning him completely - perhaps he thought that's his only positive attribute.

He remarried in 1986 and has always put his wife before us, until she divorced him 2 years ago and even then things remained the same, they are still friends.
For me it made life easier for inheritance issues, them being divorced.
Since his terminal diagnosis a month ago he's announced they're to remarry, in 4 weeks, he's asked me to be the best man.

I don't want this to be about money, but the one thought I cannot get out of my head is when I refuse to attend the wedding or funeral, that I'll likely be cut out of any measly inheritance and his wife and her kids will get it instead.
Or worse still, I actually bother to attend the wedding and still get cut out anyway... because that's what he does.

That's the logical part of my dilemma, but the biggest part is I'm still torn inside. I own him nothing, he's toxic & I know that, but still he has some hold over me that makes me feel I should go...
He's been a diabolical excuse for a Father but still he's the only Father I've got.

I'm struggling to be motivated, not going to work, never had trouble sleeping but lately I am, anxiety attacks, flashbacks, lots of memories which are just painful but I'm powerless to stop them.
I feel I need to inform him not only that I won't be attending but also the reasons why... then I think, why bother? Don't own him a thing.
Back and forth my mind goes. Is that normal or am I going mad?

 

[desiderata310]

I think that your reaction is normal. Unfortunately.
I've been through both parents passing and wanting me to be part of their lives in a meaningful way in their last few months. With my father's passing I did it. I was there through his terminal cancer and took care of everything at the end. I wound up making a death bed promise that has completely turned my life upside down.

My mom passed In January. I'm still not ...ok.

I've thought over my decision to be in both their lives to some greater or lesser extent at the end. With my mom I barely spoke to her in the last 6 months of her life AFTER I had promised to take care of her. I'm still struggling with this. I don't break promises and I broke that one. Badly. I wasn't even in town when she died.

Neither of them had a will. I was the only surviving member of the family. I was saddled with the responsibility of dealing with all their possessions at the end and having an estate sale, going through their belongings, etc. It should never be about the money. What little I got from that estate sale... well... it feels like dirty money.

There are problems with both being a part of their lives and not being a part of it. It's just going to suck balls either way. At the end, I would suggest that you do triage on what is most important to you and unapologetically do what you are most comfortable doing- regardless of if that means being part of his life and wedding or not and to be unapologetic about it.

Not sure that helps or not.

 

[Friday]

He's remarrying to Keep His Kids From Getting His Money. Yeah. Sounds about par for course for an abusive schmuck.

Look at it this way... If you piss him off badly enough? Maybe he'll give a big chunk of change to your brother/sister out of spite, instead of not giving any of you anything. Or, then again, how much would you pay for one last final chance to tell him to go f*ck himself? Some things are really priceless.

No judgment on this one from me, either way. My feeling is he owes you more than he'll ever be able to repay, so any inheritance is at least a start, and you can laugh all the way to the bank, since he doesn't own you. If you go for the money? It's not because you had to. It's not because he owns you. It's because you're choosing to take a down payment on a long standing debt. Posthumous and with interest. -OR- What I said above. f*ck him, and worth every penny.

Either choice? Is a good one. Totally depends on what you need/want. No wrong answer here.

 

[watundah]

My father abused me alao and had a long slow death from COPD. I made several flights to see him over the process and ultimately I wasn't there when he died. He was in a coma so it didn't matter. It was easier for me, too. Interestingly he referenced the abuse while in hospital kind of as a test or request for forgiveness (albeit a piss poor one). I just acknowledged that I did remember. That was it.

Anyway, I can tell you that promises of what is.in a will often work out to be a different reality in the end
My.mother told me I was to inherit land but it was not in her will!! Ive seen this happen many times with people over the years.

Bottom line. As you said, you owe him nothing. Save yourself any more hurt and put yourself first. Tell him where he can put that carrot, too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That's the logical part of my dilemma, but the biggest part is I'm still torn inside. I own him nothing, he's toxic & I know that, but still he has some hold over me that makes me feel I should go...
He's been a diabolical excuse for a Father but still he's the only Father I've got.

And thats why you are torn, as I am about my mother.

Use me for a second: my mother married my then 30 yr old father when she was 17 and ended up right away with 4 step daughters. My dad is a pastor's son of a funderalmentalost christian church and thus she followed into fundalmentalisr christianity where i was raised in my early yrs.

Fastward til i was 6 or 7, she started an affair with whom became my step father but he was a cult leader than used "god" to justify all sorts of unimagable things in which I was forced to do. My dad & brother finally left me there alone at 12, they get divorced & she married the cult leader and she, back when i was 6 or 7, followed into that "religon" or lets name it what it was, cult.

She did massivley what everyone says is horrible things to me, I hate her, i hate her more than one can hate someone, i have rage towards her...i want to rip off her head etc etc etc.....but id take a bullet for her because she's my mom and some weird way i still love her just simply because shes my mom.

So thus you have the confusion. I did cut contact with her when i was 19; only 7 or so yrs ago allowed her on facebook for a week to see if she changed, she hasnt, so defriended and blocked but i have not heard her voice since i was 19...i just turned 35.

So there is that confusion of hate and love but you dont have to keep contact with him. You dont have to allow him to manipulate you with money. Yes thats the least he owes you but f*ck his money! Think about you, your mental health needs.

Is it worth keeping contact with him and having all sorts of manipulation done and likely hurting your mental health just to stay in a will?

Go, dont go, but from my experience i wouldnt and when my step dad died and my entire family thinking im a horrible monster for not going to his funeral; i didnt go because i was, for a change, thinking about me and my mental health needs.

Hope this helps! I understand the confusion well! :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Whatever decision you make, do it for yourself. Forget about what you should do because he's your dad. Life----death----parents----all of the shoulds, all of the respect that society guilts us into giving those who gave us life----goes out the window when abuse is involved.

Avoid the advice from friends with unabusive parents. It will just confuse it all.

In the end there is no right answer. There is no way you must feel because he's your bio dad.

Take it all in and let it sit for a bit----I think the right answer (for you) will soon come.

It's not an easy process and I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I saw some red flags the many anxious symptoms that you are having tell me that you really want to stay away, I know easier said than done. But If I were you feeling the way you are now I would trust my gut instincts on this one. Wishing you well in your choices.

I found out that my abusive sperm donar died a very painful death and it was my half brother who took care of him. I finally met him on the phone after the death and I told I think he should get everything because he was the one there for him. Interesting thing happened a while later. A lawyer tracked me down with a four hundred dollar insurance policy one for each of us kids. It confused me and then later I was able to sort it out.

 

[LondonLeo]

Thank you all for your replies. I read with interest your own stories and I thank you for some really great advice.

Need more time to process it, I'm still swaying between "f*ck it, I'll just go, it's a few hours out of my life" to
"f*ck it, I won't go, I'll send a very clear message by not going & I owe him nothing".

In an ideal world (Hollywood) the bad guy gets justice, there's a price to pay for wrong actions.
In the real world, they live in denial, they still f*ck with your head right up to their death and even beyond that and escape Scot-free.
Somehow he's immune from the consequences and that angers me.
I think that's maybe my real conflict, right there... I'm bloody angry that he got away with it.

Some people should be banned from having children.
Really.

 

[mary1979]

I've thought about this one a lot over the years myself.

I think all victims of parental abuse must consider it.

He's a pedophile who stripped me of not just my virginity and self worth, but also my mother and sisters presence in my life for over a decade.
When he was in prison serving the sentence I had him commited to, but while withholding my family from me still, he wrote to me expressing his regret and begging forgiveness.

Its now been over 25 years since I last saw him.

I've forgiven him, I understand he was a sick man who dealt with his own various abuses as a child, but I have no desire to see him now and he will never know where his grandchildren are.

But when the time comes, if I am given the opportunity, I would like to go to him.
I need for me to make my own peace with him. Let him know he is forgiven and if he is really nice, show him a photo of my kids.
I want him to know I have lived well. I have raised a healthy family in spite of his abuse, and that I was better than he, and broke the cycle.

Thats how I imagine it anyway.
Probably more likely ill piss my pants and faint at the sight of him.
We'll see ahaha

 

[Anna S.]

Hello,

My Dad (or abusive biological sperm donor if you prefer) has been given months to live.
We've...

Hello. I only got to your comment because I have an emotionally, physically and verbally abusive father myself and he's dying as well. I searched for someone else's experience and came upon yours, to which I can relate. I'm very sorry your father chose to be not only unloving, but downright vicious toward you. It's clear you never deserved any of it. I also understand your anxiety through reliving the past and terrible memories that have resurfaced. I imagine by now your father has made his passage, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're feeling any better. If you're still having these strong feelings of disquiet, I strongly encourage you to seek out someone you can talk to about your experiences, preferably a therapist, but I understand if you can't do that. Still, you may find a lot of comfort in speaking with a professional. There are also videos on YouTube from Louise Hay which are all about forgiveness and loving yourself. You forgive for yourself, to release yourself from the pain, not for the benefit of the other person. Louise Hay's vids have been an invaluable resource to me and highly recommended by my own therapist. I try to listen regularly because her messages of loving oneself, stopping all self-criticism and letting go of the past are very healing. I hope you'll give her a listen. I wish you all the best and hope you can fully enjoy your life, because you and those you love deserve that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is that normal or am I going mad?

Holy shit do I know this feeling!!

My mom, whom is one of my main abusers, died 7/23. I was notified that she has untreated colon cancer a few weeks before she passed. I made a thread and felt like i was going crazy and was fighting off family whom said i was basically Satan because i wouldnt go see her.

After she died i made another thread where i worked out some things. I feel like im going insane, still.

Money i didnt and dont care about, and even though i am equal next kin with my brother by law, that i would see nothing out of her SUV and stuff he is supposed to sell, which is still not. I asked for the SUV because its in better shape then my car. He refused. I honestly didnt think nor care if i got anything. I did get half of her last social security check which was $632.00.

My mental state has been pretty crazy. Ive repressed to a younger state emotionally, have quick flashes of younger times, sleeping all the time, cant get motivated, and quickly sliding down a hole of depression and tried to grab ahold of something to stop the slide but couldnt and i landed. Self injuring again and now trying to dig myself out.

Anyway, what im trying to say is all of this you are feeling is normal. A death is hard but a death of an abuser is rather impossible feeling. Its way more complicated. And in my case it wasnt "ding dong the witch is dead" because (i believe) she made a bond with me early in. You hear "sperm donor" (as you said) a lot but you never or rarely hear "egg donor". Its been super complicated to say the least that has been a crazy ride and something i will be dealing with for years im sure.

Im here if you want to talk about it and i can link my threads if they will help. Either way, please know all you are feeling is normal ans you arent going insane!

ETA: Thats funny, an older thread that i had already commented on. Oh well. Hopefully it will help anyway. :wacky:

 

[LondonLeo]

Thanks again for your replies, nice to know I'm not totally alone in this, though it feels very much like it sometimes.

I didn't attend his wedding in May, I said I wouldn't and I stuck with that, difficult as it was.
I fell out with my younger sister over it, she said she was ashamed of me for not attending.
I respected her decision to attend, didn't try to talk her out of it - pity she couldn't do the same for me.

His last few weeks were in hospital, in and out of conciousness, my sister and brother visited him often as did his wife and his sisters.
So he wasn't alone.
I went to see him the night before he died, he didn't know I was there, unconcious, his breathing difficult and cough was indescribably horrid.
I'm glad I went, only so I don't have the regret of not say goodbye at least once, for my own peace of mind.
I didn't go to his funeral/cremation two weeks ago but couldn't go to work either, difficult to concentrate. Sat at home and grieved in my own way, alone, no one can relate or understand. My friends disliked/hated him without knowing or meeting him based on what I've said over the years, judged him and rightly so, so have zero sympathy for him and can't understand my loss.

When I was a kid I prayed to God each night to kill him, to give me a worthy Father! I was 7 or 8.
Later I thought I'd be glad when he was dead, I'd take some pleasure from it.
I take none. It's just shitty and sad.

I can't ask my sister who did attend what the ceremony was like, as she'd say "well, should have gone and then you'd know".
I don't understand her, she complained about him her entire life and now he's a saint! It's like Princess Diana all over again.

I don't feel the loss like a son whose Father has just died. I do feel loss of any future chance of a normal relationship, but much stronger I feel something I imagine like Stockholm syndrome. I survived, but I had some empathy with my abuser.
Who happened to be my Father.

Thanks Anna S, I will take a look for Louise Hay vidoe's online.
Funny you should mention forgiveness. I'm 49 now and only recently learned the true definition of the term "to forgive".
Not about them, it's about myself, to forgive someone is take away the power they hold to do me further harm, to be nice to myself.
To hate them is to harm myself, better put that energy into something constructive and productive and good for myself.

Lostforgottensoul, sorry to hear of your troubles. Self harm isn't the answer, you know that. No matter how bad is it, that's never a solution, but I get it. #Virtualhug