Accepting that they hurt you

[Rose White]

Accepting that they hurt you. What are the stages of grief? Denial anger depression acceptance. I’m forgetting one.

Looking for understanding that it’s sometimes difficult to accept that they hurt you. Not impossible. Right now I’m just trying to tell my small parts: Bad evil hurt you.

When I fight this, give up, get seduced by lies, then I fall back into depression. I didn’t realize til today that not accepting that they hurt me means trying to have or fix a relationship with them.

Am interested in descriptions of your journey wherever you are on this spectrum. For me it oscillates but I’m trying to keep it from going back to the old ways. Words hard right now so yay if you get what I’m talking about.

 

[Freddyt]

Oooooo......big time thing for me. Mostly because a lot of stuff happened in a hospital, and how it happened.

It really slammed home yesterday in therapy. Talking about how my last stay in hospital had nurses running away screaming. T says "makes sense, the body keeps score and its trying to protect itself from hurt" Boom.......40 years later without me knowing whats going on I lash out to protect myself......even if my head doesn't remember my body does.....and that....is hurt that is hard to deal with.

Yes - they hurt me. Yes it was not meant to be hurtful, but from trauma on - my brain and body saw it as torture - inescapable torture that hurt enough that 40 years later it unconsciously lashes out to protect itself....

What helped me accept they hurt me was to name what the act was - torture. So yeah....what do torturers do? They hurt you.

One of the problems is we get hung up in all the human interaction stuff, the good and the bad instead of identifying the action - what they were doing. Associate what they were doing hurt and it helps change that.

For me - putting the label Torture on it. Torturers. Not Angels of Mercy, agents of torture. And what do torturers do?

 

[Rose White]

the good and the bad instead of identifying the action - what they were doing.

This is a good reminder. It wasn’t until reading your words did I remember how difficult it is for me to say what they did in plain terms. It’s just hard to say. With one it’s hard to say because of the feelings and with the other it’s hard to say because of the mental manipulation. Perhaps focusing on the actions in a neutral way could be an Avenue for acceptance without overwhelm.

 

[Freddyt]

Perhaps focusing on the actions in a neutral way could be an Avenue for acceptance without overwhelm.

Yup - when there are people you know involved - all the history all the "stuff" that goes with that relationship comes along. Separating the two is difficult because we want to judge intent - and you can't judge intent.

All you have is the action. Take out the "they didn't mean to..they made a mistake" because that's intent.

So what was the action? What did they do? Mental manipulation is torture.....you are twisting someones thinking away from reality to get what you want.....torture.....

 

[Rose White]

Take out the "they didn't mean to..they made a mistake" because that's intent.

Interesting perspective because it seems to me that taking the position of “they didn’t meant to, they made a mistake” is removing intent. But removing intent—seen from your perspective—is also assigning a quality intent. I think that’s why I’m exploring the concept of evil because in order to remove myself from the abusers’ psychic realm, I need to impress upon these younger naive ignorant parts of mine that the abusers *do* have intent and it is bad.

But I see your point that accepting that they hurt me is separate from assigning intent. It seems that Im exploring both—as a way to try to push them away from my young naive ignorant parts who are sure that they can fix the relationships (through self denial blah blah blah.)

I think it’s okay to do both, but to know that accepting that they hurt me can be an exercise done without assigning intent. And also I can sometimes discern intentions before someone hurts me.

 

[Weemie]

I'm sort of in the middle with this. I accept that there were many instances where other people harmed me. That's about as far as I go. Usually I then tend to go off on "well I'm the same as them, I'm abusive too," or, "I deserved it anyway," or other irrational spirals. Me and my therapist have deduced that it is most likely because when these events were actually, physically happening - my brain, which was 8-12 years old, simply could not encode those experiences correctly.

As a result, my memory of those experiences is impaired, and so is my ability to engage with them logically as a 32 year old. When I regress into psychosis it becomes clear that at some level, my development did not succeed that of a 4-5 year old child. I compulsively blurt out horrible shit, I'm seeing/talking to people that aren't there, trying to kneel/think I'm supposed to blow the paramedic - et cetera.

What I mean to say is, when I get into states where I do feel it more viscerally they do not reflect an adult's ability, with an oriented emotional and psychological foundation that provides them resilience against traumatic events - to coherently and even cognitively, putting words/thoughts together, forming conclusions, analyzing the data - that just isn't there. It is impaired because the actual experiences themselves were damaging me and my brain as they were happening. So the whole entire trauma piece exists inside a brain that was not able to endure them.

That leads to all kinds of totally illogical thoughts, feelings and opinions (the things that we use to engage with our own memories). That the context does not matter, because me aiming a gun at a child and pulling the trigger is a horrific act that transformed me from an ordinary child into a murderous one. That all the people who hurt me and all of the times I have been physically harmed to the point that I required hospitalization for 8-9 months and deprogramming therapy - it's difficult for me to cognitively understand all of this.

That I cannot run because my leg is damaged, because of them. That I have visible burn scars all over my body, including a brand on my wrist that someone seared into my skin with the edge of a nail file. It says "A," and I tried to burn over it. You can still see it. I do not know who "A" is. There is a scar on my foot from where an electric current exited my body. That my joints, shoulder, back, etc are damaged. That my brain is damaged - I have a TBI from my head being smashed against hardwood. That my internal and external sexual/internal organs are damaged.

That I have had two reconstructive surgeries. On my face/teeth and my genitals. That I am in pain, chronically, every day. That I struggle with the tasks of daily living to the point that often, I simply sit and stare at a wall for hours and hours, unable to move or speak. It is damage. I was harmed. I did not do these things to myself, they were done to me by an adult who gained pleasure out of doing so. Someone did that to me. And I was a child. I don't believe I was an ordinary child, but for all of my actual ability to endure and cope with an extreme environment, I was still essentially a baby.

That my mom neglected me so severely and hit me, and that gave me a life-long attachment disorder that transformed into a personality disorder in adulthood. That one might be more or less genetic, lots of schizo-spectrum and autism spectrum in my genes after all. But I wouldn't have developed RAD if someone had not done it to me. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, because of the RAD/SZPD I find it very challenging to really access any kind of emotional response about this.

They hurt me, yes, but that wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything. I didn't deserve it. I'm not a whore, or a harlot. I was an 8 year old kid being raped daily. None of that has anything to do with me at all. If it had ended there, I honestly don't even think I'd have developed PTSD. It's the fact that I hurt others and I have to figure out how to accept that part of it.

How much do I truly "get to"/am entitled to suffer, given all I have done to other people? How would you feel if the people who harmed you were traumatized by it?

 

[Aprilshowers]

So much of what happened to me was repressed for a long time....most of it still is. I have always had an awareness that "those people" - my family - were cruel people who hurt me in all kinds of ways. Eventually, I also had an awareness that those cruel things they did (even if I couldn't quite remember what they were) were wrong and terrible and not to be talked about.

The stages of grief....hmm....For most of my life The Little Red Haired Girl was the one receiving the abuse. In a sense, I guess it was a form of denying that my family was doing those things to me. They were hurting that other girl. Many years later when The Little Red Haired Girl and I formed an odd camaraderie, I was angry they hurt her. Even when I realized she was me, I was angry for her, not me. I must have skipped the other stages of grief and breezed right on through to acceptance. When faith became an integral part of my life, I had a overwhelmingly painful moment when I told God I couldn't bear the horrible burden of knowing my own family had treated me so despicably - the heartbreak, the shame, the self-loathing, the suicidal thoughts all became too powerful. I'm a very visual person - I love images, colors, anything artsy. I visualized myself walking up to the Cross and dumping all of my ugly, painful, heavy burdens underneath it and walking away, leaving all my garbage there. I've never looked back. Since that moment I have never once struggled with forgiveness, bitterness, or acceptance. Obviously not a technique that will work for everyone, but it made a huge difference in my life. So much of a difference that I hope that in those final moments before their deaths that my parents made the same commitment affecting their eternal destination that I did and that we will spend eternity together.

 

[Rose White]

could not encode those experiences correctly.

I get this

compulsively blurt out horrible shit,

And this. I blurted out things that were gross and twisted to people or callous. Did things as a child that were sexually impulsive to other children. Not comparing but I recognize that.

I was harmed. I did not do these things to myself, they were done to me by an adult who gained pleasure out of doing so

This seems really important to say. This seems to be the crux. I would like to say this too. I will try. Right now.

I was harmed. I did not do these things to myself, they were done to me by an adult who gained pleasure out of doing so.

if the people who harmed you were traumatized by it

I think my dad was traumatized by what he did to me. He used to do this thing when we were alone and not saying anything where his face would contort like he was in pain and he would suck his breath in really fast like he was having a mini panic and I would ask him what he was doing and he would say he was having a memory and I asked him what it was and he adamantly refused to tell me and when I pressed him he got really mad at me. Sometimes I wonder if he was remembering what he did to me. But he was an adult.

I understand what you are saying, that for you the burden is what you did, not what was done to you. And it makes a lot of sense how you would organize your morality based on that. And it also makes sense how easy it is for you to accept that they hurt you based on all the physical reminders.

My reminders are mostly in my f*cked up mind (which has healed a tremendous amount yay!).

What you said was very impactful and meaningful. Especially the third quote I pulled.

 

[Dynamic]

Mental manipulation is torture.....you are twisting someones thinking away from reality to get what you want.....torture.....

This shocks me with no reply

And I remember distinctively my T going over it 10? different sessions to accept my old neighbors meant to hurt me I still find it so difficult to wrap fully

Then the police incident as far as I know was just a mistake. (Hi suspicions and possibly paranoia that they planned it) anyway

The one female detective …was soooooooooo mean to me. I was appalled actually. Rubbed my eyes to see if it was for real.

I had little clothes on and I asked for clothes to cover up. I was almost crying cause there was soooo many strange men in my home.

It was either an hr or more without clothes !? And then when I asked about my kids…she said if you keep asking about your kids you’re not gonna get a shirt. Which is what I resorted to asking for because I at least at little shorts on but no shirt

Wow first time writing this out if you’re still reading thanks.

I think she meant to hurt me because she thought I was a criminal ? Or hiding the guy raping children but still. I was entirely entirely innocent. I don’t like her.

I need to forgive her.

 

[Rose White]

Good job @Defaultxlove .

detective …was soooooooooo mean to me.

I don’t have a lot of experience with police but I have very clear memories of individual police acting very mean to me in situations where there was no need for them to be and me thinking that was how they are supposed to act but still being jarred by it. Nothing close to what happened to you, it wasn’t associated with trauma, but just to say that I remember police being excessively mean to me in situations where I was not even suspected of a crime but rather just part of a situation. And in my mind I thought they were supposed to act that way but it still made me feel that I wanted to stay far away from them in the future at all costs.

I have had to call the police out to my house multiple times since then and sometimes they have been very mean and sometimes they have been neutral and sometimes nice.

Am not explaining it well. But it doesn’t matter.

I’m impressed that you feel you have to forgive her. Does admitting that she hurt you lead to a sense of needing to forgive her? Are those connected for you?

 

[Dynamic]

Yes immediately connected for me. I guess @OliveJewel . I did understand what you were saying because yeah sometimes they can be very neutral and come off mean but I think it was mean to not let me cover up. Someone in person suggested maybe she wanted me to feel the way she thought the real perp made children feel.

Thanks for your reply

 

[Freddyt]

I think that’s why I’m exploring the concept of evil because in order to remove myself from the abusers’ psychic realm, I need to impress upon these younger naive ignorant parts of mine that the abusers *do* have intent and it is bad.

But even removing intent. Who commits evil acts? Evil people. People who want to control others......