it's just a lot to really take in, i kind of ignored the information.
If people are saying it's abuse then that just means I managed to get myself abused again and i'm not sure my brains really ready to accept that.
I agree with
@Movingforward10. But I also know how very hard it is to see manipulation or abuse when you are knee-deep in it. And guys who use online sites like this are sometimes trolling for the most vulnerable. They are very skilled at it. It's not that much different from the jerks who try to take money and information from millions of people every day through fake phone calls, emails, and social media. I don't know anyone who hasn't received those. And I know a lot of people (me included) who have been fooled.
There are people--intelligent, rational people--who lose millions because they believe what the person on the other end says. When we have a traumatic history, we just have to be extra careful because those men (or women) we connect with have exactly what we need (love, attention, caring, connection) and are looking for. It's hard to see anything negative about getting those needs met.
I met someone online many years ago when I was much more vulnerable and lacking self-awareness who I fell in love with. He was a self-identified "Master" and a had been in the lifestyle for years. I looked up to him, I felt important when I connected with him, and I just knew he had my best interests at heart. He was available to me by phone, chat, and email when I was at my worst, and he treated me like gold.
It took 2 years to realize who he really was. He actually came to visit. That time was fantastic. Then he left and never contacted me again. He ghosted me. I couldn't reach him by phone, email, or regular mail. By that time I was suspicious (and a little worried), so I looked for him online in places I thought he could be. And I found him. He was trolling another support forum, saying the exact things he had said to me to other vulnerable women. But this time, he mentioned the "fat slut" he had recently met and said some really awful things about me. He's since been arrested for domestic violence and a host of other things. I NEVER would have suspected any of that. Did I feel stupid? You bet I did.
You learn from these experiences. You learn to identify, set, and maintain boundaries. You learn what you need and the best things to do to get those needs met. And you learn--although this one takes a lot of time--that you are NOT at fault for getting involved in the first place.
I went on and had a very successful, loving, and fun relationship with an amazing Dom that lasted six years. He never overstepped my boundaries, and he helped me learn to accept this body (and beyond). I'm the one who got out of the relationship eventually because I came to realize it really wasn't what I wanted.
So, I know how hard it is to not beat yourself up, but I hope you will take a step back and consider what others have shared with/told you. And maybe just take some time to be kind to yourself, build your support, find someone you can talk over all of this with, and try to sort through your needs and how to get them met safely.
