Addictive tendencies in online sexual play

[chihayafuru]

Someone truly caring about you will not ask you to do something that made you so upset the first time.

I wasn't upset i just physically reacted badly and don't know why.

@whiteraven It just felt like he wanted the photos for him. i did actually try to video chat with him but i got panicked and ended the video call, then said sorry if I dissapointed him and he said he was dissapointed but that he forgave me for it. and I don't have a therapist.

 

[whiteraven]

I wasn't upset i just physically reacted badly and don't know why.

@whiteraven It just felt like he wanted the photos for him. i did actually try to video chat with him but i got panicked and ended the video call, then said sorry if I dissapointed him and he said he was dissapointed but that he forgave me for it. and I don't have a therapist.

Just to reiterate, "almost fainting" could be dangerous. It's wise not to do it again, and it's bothersome that he wanted you to.

I totally understand the draw to someone who seems to care for you, who pays attention to you, who does things that make you feel loved and wanted. (I've been there a lot, so I absolutely get it.) But I also know how dangerous that can be when you're in a vulnerable place.

This guy may be completely legit (although he is not completely safe, in my opinion). He may be using your photos/videos for just him. BUT, he might not be. And you have no way of knowing that. I am especially concerned because you seem to be in a very vulnerable place and acting out abuse, when in fact it would be healthier to work on developing safe, healthy relationships with someone trained to do so.

Please consider seeking out a therapist. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom provides a listing of kink-aware professionals. They will not be judgmental, and they will be able to help you understand what is healthy and what is not. Of course, many therapists not on the list will be able to do the same, but it's a place to start.

 

[Sideways]

it's just if he's not a true and safe dom then what it he? cause that's generally how i feel he is.

Yeah. If you’re the sub, and your dom pushes back against a hard limit, it’s okay to have a conversation about it with them. We all get caught up in the moment from time to time. But the conversation really needs to happen.

If they can’t respect that it was the wrong thing to do, and persuade you they won’t do it again? As a sub, you’re almost obligated to walk away from the relationship.

Trust is absolutely essential to sexual relationships, and bdsm relationships are no exception. In bdsm, that trust (necessarily) circles around the ongoing consent and limits conversation, because there is inevitable hurt: the hurt you consent to is all good, and the harm you explicitly haven’t consented to is abuse. Just like any other relationship (the difference is usually that in a bdsm, you’ve been having sober and considered conversations about it since day 1).

While this guy sounds like a POS who you need to seriously consider replacing with a better model, the situation itself is potentially a huge win for you and your recovery, because of all the knowledge and insight and skills it’s given you in a very short period of time.

 

[chihayafuru]

@Sideways
what's POS?
I don't feel like i've gained any knowlege, insight and skills, i'm confused what you mean by that?

 

[Sideways]

POS = piece of shit (jerk/not a great guy)

Some of the insights you’ve got from this relationship, that could be very helpful with the next one include things like:

I eventually decided it probably wasn't the healthiest thing to do so we agreed to change his role to master instead,

I like being in a dom/sub online relationship

I did it again in the shower but nearly fainted and had to lay on the shower floor until i felt well enough to get up

i like being their toy which is something that master calls me as well as little one which i never agreed to but it's cute.

It feels like talking to him and other guys has become addictive

I did wonder if the main reason I got so attached was cause he was playing the role of my past abuser.

I wasn't upset i just physically reacted badly

i did actually try to video chat with him but i got panicked and ended the video call

 

[chihayafuru]

@Sideways

the situation itself is potentially a huge win for you and your recovery

I'm confused how any of those things can "potentially be a huge win for my recovery"

 

[Sideways]

I'm confused how any of those things can "potentially be a huge win for my recovery"

Insight. Knowing yourself. What a whole lot of folks spend years in therapy trying to achieve - understanding themselves better.

I’m starting to get confused about what part of that wouldn’t be helpful for your recovery.

 

[chihayafuru]

i did mention this to an online counsellor but i forgot what they said so i went back and checked.
[Quote removed]


they sent this link about boundaries and consent
Kooth

I had also spoke to another guy on the site who said he understood trauma cause he had ptsd from being a soldier and he said he wanted to help me but then made some weird comment, so i told him about things. I told the same online counsellor about this and they said

[Quote removed].

I did stop speaking to that guy though only cause he was pretty on and off like not online much.

it's just a lot to really take in, i kind of ignored the information.
If people are saying it's abuse then that just means I managed to get myself abused again and i'm not sure my brains really ready to accept that.

 

[Rose White]

Gentle with yourself. Those are big realizations. Important ones. You are worthy of respect and dignity.

 

[Movingforward10]

it's just a lot to really take in, i kind of ignored the information.
If people are saying it's abuse then that just means I managed to get myself abused again and i'm not sure my brains really ready to accept that.

I totally get this. It is a lot to take in.
Maybe as you process it, you can try and do that from a self compassionate place and removing the blame from yourself? Because this "got myself abused again" sounds self blaming. I understand it totally. I felt the same. But, a shift in perspective really really helps to understand that the person doing the abusing is the person doing the abusing regardless of the actions of the person being abused.

 

[whiteraven]

it's just a lot to really take in, i kind of ignored the information.
If people are saying it's abuse then that just means I managed to get myself abused again and i'm not sure my brains really ready to accept that.

I agree with @Movingforward10. But I also know how very hard it is to see manipulation or abuse when you are knee-deep in it. And guys who use online sites like this are sometimes trolling for the most vulnerable. They are very skilled at it. It's not that much different from the jerks who try to take money and information from millions of people every day through fake phone calls, emails, and social media. I don't know anyone who hasn't received those. And I know a lot of people (me included) who have been fooled.

There are people--intelligent, rational people--who lose millions because they believe what the person on the other end says. When we have a traumatic history, we just have to be extra careful because those men (or women) we connect with have exactly what we need (love, attention, caring, connection) and are looking for. It's hard to see anything negative about getting those needs met.

I met someone online many years ago when I was much more vulnerable and lacking self-awareness who I fell in love with. He was a self-identified "Master" and a had been in the lifestyle for years. I looked up to him, I felt important when I connected with him, and I just knew he had my best interests at heart. He was available to me by phone, chat, and email when I was at my worst, and he treated me like gold.

It took 2 years to realize who he really was. He actually came to visit. That time was fantastic. Then he left and never contacted me again. He ghosted me. I couldn't reach him by phone, email, or regular mail. By that time I was suspicious (and a little worried), so I looked for him online in places I thought he could be. And I found him. He was trolling another support forum, saying the exact things he had said to me to other vulnerable women. But this time, he mentioned the "fat slut" he had recently met and said some really awful things about me. He's since been arrested for domestic violence and a host of other things. I NEVER would have suspected any of that. Did I feel stupid? You bet I did.

You learn from these experiences. You learn to identify, set, and maintain boundaries. You learn what you need and the best things to do to get those needs met. And you learn--although this one takes a lot of time--that you are NOT at fault for getting involved in the first place.

I went on and had a very successful, loving, and fun relationship with an amazing Dom that lasted six years. He never overstepped my boundaries, and he helped me learn to accept this body (and beyond). I'm the one who got out of the relationship eventually because I came to realize it really wasn't what I wanted.

So, I know how hard it is to not beat yourself up, but I hope you will take a step back and consider what others have shared with/told you. And maybe just take some time to be kind to yourself, build your support, find someone you can talk over all of this with, and try to sort through your needs and how to get them met safely.

 

[Friday]

You learn from these experiences. You learn to identify, set, and maintain boundaries. You learn what you need and the best things to do to get those needs met. And you learn--although this one takes a lot of time--that you are NOT at fault for getting involved in the first place.

THIS.