Addictive tendencies in online sexual play

[chihayafuru]

I've been talking to a guy on an adult site for months. I was getting him to roleplay my past abuser which he liked doing. I eventually decided it probably wasn't the healthiest thing to do so we agreed to change his role to master instead, though since then i have asked him to go back to the original role temporarily.
I like being in a dom/sub online relationship with him, i have sent pics and short vids but I trust him to not do anything with it. though once he was wanting me to put my finger in my anus and I wasn't sure and originally said no. later I changed my mind and tried to do it and told him the next day. he wanted me to do it again in the shower and I said I wasn't sure about it, i didn't really feel like doing it again but he said he really liked it and really wanted me to so i said i'd do it. I did it again in the shower but nearly fainted and had to lay on the shower floor until i felt well enough to get up. I told him what happened and he didn't understand why and neither did I but he still wanted me to try it again. I told him I felt really bad when i just did it and don't want to do it again but he kept saying he liked it and wanted me to just try it once more and then if I nearly fainted again then I wouldn't have to do it again, I kept saying I don't want to and he said I don't have to do it in the shower, i can lay on my bed and do it as a compromise.
I later asked him why he kept being pushy and he said it doesn't matter cause I have boundaries and didn't do it. I didn't really know what to say so i just left it.
I became really attached to him and don't want him to leave me though i feel like the reason why I joined the site in the first place was trauma related, even though I didn't realise it at the time.
it arouses me sending pics to them and doing sexual tasks that they want me to do, i like being their toy which is something that master calls me as well as little one which i never agreed to but it's cute. I talk to other guys on the site too which he knows about and is fine with. when i play with him less, I worry he is getting bored of me.
he knows about my trauma and will be serious about it when i ask him to be and he's quite supportive with it though he doesn't have experience with it.
It feels like talking to him and other guys has become addictive and part of me doesn't want to stop and i'll feel weird without it but i'm still not sure it's the best thing to be doing.

 

[whiteraven]

I like being in a dom/sub online relationship with him, i have sent pics and short vids but I trust him to not do anything with it.

I get the enjoyment of D/s. Really more than enjoyment--this person pays attention to *you*, cares for *you*, and provides a kind of support few others can. But you need to be SUPER careful about sending pics and videos. How do you know you can trust him?

I did it again in the shower but nearly fainted and had to lay on the shower floor until i felt well enough to get up. I told him what happened and he didn't understand why and neither did I but he still wanted me to try it again.

Honestly, a true and safe Dom would NEVER insist on you doing something that caused you any sort of unwanted pain or put you in any sort of (unwanted) physical danger. I was in a couple of relationships like this for several years, and I did my master's thesis on the M/s relationship. There are a LOT of bad players out there (as well as good), and you have to be VERY careful. I never have sent pics for video, and I always used a junk email.

It feels like talking to him and other guys has become addictive and part of me doesn't want to stop

This can consume your life. I know--I've been there. And it can be very hard to get out of, especially if you are getting the caring support you need (and may not be getting elsewhere).

I am not in D/s anymore, and I am so very grateful. I feel so much freer, and when I look back on it, I can't believe I gave my power over to someone else. Do I miss it? YES! Because I don't get that kind of attention or support from anyone else. Leaving was still the best thing I could have done.

 

[chihayafuru]

This can consume your life. I know--I've been there. And it can be very hard to get out of, especially if you are getting the caring support you need (and may not be getting elsewhere).

I nearly start crying thinking about the possibility of him not being there. Sometimes I've played when I wasn't particularly in the mood to cause I didn't want to disappoint him and he was really happy with me when I'd told him that I'd done it anyway to please him.

 

[Sideways]

I nearly start crying thinking about the possibility of him not being there.

Are you able to expand on why it made you cry? Why it was such a distressing thought? Is it related to him specifically? Or something else?

D/S relationships can be really therapeutic for victims of sexual trauma. When done right, they can be a way to practice actually communicating, in an ongoing way, exactly what you want and don’t want in a sexual dynamic (hands down, the bdsm community do ‘consent’ conversations better than pretty than anywhere else - they have a whole language for it, and it’s built in to a healthy bdsm dynamic). It can also be a way to feel a sense of control again over your sexuality and sexual experiences - for many people that’s something they lost, or feel immense shame over, as a result of their trauma.

On the flip side? Anything that quickly raises dopamine can arguably become addicted, and sexual activity is definitely in that category. And for every healthy bdsm dynamic, there’s several others that are simply abuse using the Dom/Sub lingo as an excuse.

So, well worth exploring! And nothing to be ashamed of (it’s very familiar territory!!).

 

[chihayafuru]

Are you able to expand on why it made you cry? Why it was such a distressing thought? Is it related to him specifically? Or something else?

Him specifically. I've just become really attached to him after months of being his sub. Though I did wonder if the main reason I got so attached was cause he was playing the role of my past abuser.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Honestly, a true and safe Dom would NEVER insist on you doing something that caused you any sort of unwanted pain or put you in any sort of (unwanted) physical danger.

This

Maybe it would help to think about the kind of healthier relationship you would like to be in?

 

[whiteraven]

D/S relationships can be really therapeutic for victims of sexual trauma. When done right, they can be a way to practice actually communicating, in an ongoing way, exactly what you want and don’t want in a sexual dynamic (hands down, the bdsm community do ‘consent’ conversations better than pretty than anywhere else - they have a whole language for it, and

Yes, this! I was never able to let anyone touch me before my own relationship. He really helped me get past that, and consent played a huge role in it. Did he push boundaries? Sure. But he never overstepped. Never.

 

[chihayafuru]

@whiteraven @Defaultxlove
it's just if he's not a true and safe dom then what it he? cause that's generally how i feel he is.

 

[whiteraven]

Him specifically. I've just become really attached to him after months of being his sub. Though I did wonder if the main reason I got so attached was cause he was playing the role of my past abuser.

That could absolutely be the case, although in my own experience, the attachment comes even when they’re not. It can definitely be a mixed bag—I’d never felt the kind of love and attention that I got from him before. That’s hard to let go.

Are you seeing a therapist? Sounds like a very good subject to bring up there.

@whiteraven @Defaultxlove
it's just if he's not a true and safe dom then what it he? cause that's generally how i feel he is.

So, we don't know him (and it sounds like you only know the online version of him), which makes it difficult to really know how he is. But a couple of things about your post sent up some red flags for me:

I was getting him to roleplay my past abuser which he liked doing. I eventually decided it probably wasn't the healthiest thing to do

This can be tricky. And I'm wondering how this actually plays out for you. Some victims of, say, rape like rape play in a D/s context because it's what they know, they can't get it out of their thinking, and they can do it "safely" in a D/s relationship. One of the problems with that is that it makes "consensual rape" ok. And that doesn't promote the kind of healing we need.

My Dom specifically said he would NOT roleplay past abuse. He helped me, not by repeating the abuse, but by introducing me to healthy aspects of relationships--both sexual and other.

My opinion--if a "Dom" enjoys roleplaying abuse, he is an abuser.

I did it again in the shower but nearly fainted and had to lay on the shower floor until i felt well enough to get up. I told him what happened and he didn't understand why and neither did I but he still wanted me to try it again.

This. In a healthy relationship, a Dom does not do anything that may or will cause further harm to a sub. You had a medical issue here, one that could have proved quite dangerous, but he wanted you to do it again.

I told him I felt really bad when i just did it and don't want to do it again but he kept saying he liked it and wanted me to just try it once more and then if I nearly fainted again then I wouldn't have to do it again,

This is just irresponsible/uncaring and, in my opinion, abusive, on his part. It's like, "I like watching you cut yourself. Just do it again and if you bleed out I won't make you do it again."

i have sent pics and short vids but I trust him to not do anything with it.

I don't think you responded to this before, but I am wondering why you are so sure he won't do anything with your pics/videos? Online relationships can work, but there are so many very sophisticated scammers out there that you have to be super careful when dealing with them. And those of us who have been neglected or abused are especially vulnerable to that. Have you video chatted with him at all? Does he give you personal info about himself?

And for every healthy bdsm dynamic, there’s several others that are simply abuse using the Dom/Sub lingo as an excuse.

This, this, and this.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Someone truly caring about you will not ask you to do something that made you so upset the first time.

I’ve been w/ the sweetest dom man ever.

He would ask if I declined that was it with “no worries!” “Let’s do something else” something like that

 

[OliveJewel]

so many very sophisticated scammers out there

Sadly this is so true. Any picture or video can be monetized. Rather you get the money through a reputable cam site than him! Not saying you should sell your images, but you are giving your energy/power to him and he’s paying with his attention, which is worth something to you.

not sure it's the best thing to be doing.

Does this part of you get much say in your life?

 

[whiteraven]

Any picture or video can be monetized.

Or completely altered to something much worse.