Addictive tendencies in online sexual play

[chihayafuru]

I still talk to the main guy, he hasn't tried to push me to do anything since but he never accepted he did anything wrong when i mentioned it a while ago. he said we have a healthy relationship and I have healthy boundaries cause I said no (though the first time he told me to do it in the shower i had said i didn't really want to at least twice but he was just like but you did it last night so why can't you do it again for me so i just agreed to it.
after the near fainting incident he thought maybe my body just wasn't used to it and doing it more would get myself used to it, but i hate feeling faint and didn't want to risk it even if i did his compromise and did it laying in bed so i would be safe if it happened again.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:

i did mention this to an online counsellor but i forgot what they said so i went back and checked.

@chihayafuru - I’ve removed the direct quotes of your online counsellor. In future, please paraphrase advice you’ve been, rather than reproducing quotes.

 

[chihayafuru]

I am confronting main guy again and this time he has accepted it was wrong to push me and said he didn't take the situation as seriously as I should have. He said he'll understand if I have to leave him but I don't feel like I can. He was only coercive once and has now accepted it was wrong.

 

[Movingforward10]

I wonder what is stopping you from ending contact with him?

He did it more than once as you raised it with him a number of times and he didn't listen, denied your voice, told you lies (your body isn't used to it so do it in another position). But it seems like you want to believe he is ok and invest in this relationship, even though it is causing you all this doubt and confusion.

Can you build trust in how you feel?
Trust that your worries about it all are valid?

If leaving him is too hard, then how can you work on creating the interactions with him safer? So that you are doing it on your terms and not his?

 

[chihayafuru]

I wonder what is stopping you from ending contact with him?

He's now accepted he was wrong, I'm attached to him, it's painful

 

[whiteraven]

I'm attached to him, it's painful

See a therapist! You clearly have a lot you need to work through here, and I really hate to see you get more hurt than you already are.

 

[chihayafuru]

@whiteraven i can't see a therapist cause of relying on parents to take me places and them not wanting me to get help and private therapist costs too much but other places aren't proper therapists, you only get counsellors.

I'm leaving him at least for now but it really hurts.

 

[Movingforward10]

Can you see a therapist online so you don't have to travel? Mine is online.


I understand it's painful. Being in it. Getting out of it. All painful in their different ways.
I suppose it boils down to what you want and need , and working through your self worth. Because you are worthy of safe relationships even if it doesn't feel like you are, or it's difficult to understand what a safe relationship is.
A lot of us here have been through it. So we understand.

 

[whiteraven]

i can't see a therapist cause of relying on parents to take me places and them not wanting me to get help and private therapist costs too much but other places aren't proper therapists, you only get counsellors.

Have you looked online at all of the options? There are some that are reasonably priced, and have psychologists and psychiatrists. I'm not sure how you are defining "counselor," but many social workers and licensed counselors are, at minimum, a great place to start.

Why don't your parents want you to get help?

 

[chihayafuru]

He's being weird. I said it hurts (leaving him) he just said it's unfortunate and I said he could sound like he cares and he was just like isn't respecting your decision and consent the most important thing? it sounded sarcastic, apparently he's just being calm and not angry. i said he seems like he suddenly doesn't care and he asked why it matters. I said i still care but he doesn't seem to and he just said he doesn't know what to tell me about that.

 

[whiteraven]

He's being weird. I said it hurts (leaving him) he just said it's unfortunate

Not weird at all. This is pretty typical of online relationships where one is very invested and wants something deeper and the other isn't and doesn't.

I said he could sound like he cares

Sounds like you have/had different expectations of the relationship than he does/did.

For many Doms online, it's not unusual to see a connection only for the control and power. Once you've taken that away by saying you're leaving, he's no longer interested and will just move on to the next sub.

You sound like you want more than that?

 

[chihayafuru]

@whiteraven he said he's not being uncaring he's just being calm and rational and said he was being caring but that wasn't good enough. after i asked him again about being pushy and said about consent and boundaries, he said he's just respecting my consent and boundaries