Relationship Advice needed please, my girlfriend has PTSD.

[Dave ZInger]

Yep -- this is very, very painful. And I don't want to discount that pain because, like so many things in ptsd, its just not fair.

So -- this next part is totally my ptsd talking. It's not meant to be snarky but hopefully it might give you another way to look at what she might be hearing

Can you ask yourself what exactly is bothering you?
I think it might be important for your relationship because there are two totally different questions at play in my ptsd brain.

Question one -- she has hurt your feelings by ignoring you - period. Totally valid -- can be worked on with conversations about how she needs to check in with you more often so you feel like you are still part of her life regardless of what she is doing out there in the world.

Question two - you don't trust her to be around men because of her history. Not valid - means you are blaming her for the things she went thru and don't believe that she can "control" herself if she's in the presence of other guys. The message she's receiving? Once a sex worker always a sex worker so she doesn't deserve your trust.

If you have those kinds of doubts about her? That's gonna be a problem. Because I would guess a prior sex worker thinks EVERYONE has those kinds of doubts about her.

Hopefully if you can figure out what is driving your insecurities then you and she can have a good conversation on how to work thru it. But if you are thinking question one and shes thinking question two? It's gonna be tough to find common ground and it might be worth a joint counseling session so you are both on the same page. Especially when she gets into the bad days where she really needs someone who loves her regardless of what she has done in the past.

Thank you for your honest words and good advice. To be perfectly honest, no I don't hold her past against her at all and Do trust her 100%. I can't say that I like her past as it sometimes brings, me hurtful. Thoughts about what has had to endure, especially when we are intimate, but the is the past. She has difficulty trusting men and I'm trying to show her that not all men are the same. She has said to me that I have really enhanced her life and she feels cared for and genuinely loved by me so it makes me happy knowing that she feels that way. I am going to suggest a joint therapy session, she already receives therapy so maybe I could join her at one of those?.

I guess it all depends what you want out of a therapy session with her. If you want to go in and express all the ways her PTSD is affecting you??? I don't think that will go over very well. She already thinks she isn't giving you what you need and that will only "prove" it to her. She is having a hard enough time letting you into her world as it is.

I think a therapy session would work IF you both are already comfortable talking about these struggles and are committed to each other. I have gone to quite a few of my guy's appointments for various different reasons. None of those reasons were about me.

You've been together a year and a half (the honeymoon period) so how long has she been in a safe environment and in therapy? Therapy is extremely hard and painful and if it's new to her?? 1,000 x harder. I congratulate her for seeking the help she needs. That is a huge accomplishment! Well done, Her! And she's in group therapy too? Seeking people who "get it". She's doing exactly what she should be doing. Imho.

Unfortunately, as supporters our needs tend to be put on the back burner when our sufferers are symptomatic. (Or new to the PTSD diagnosis/therapy) It sucks! I know. But, when you have the same goals, trust, commitment and communication is easy it can work. It's really f#cking hard sometimes but I feel and know that I am loved. I have never doubted that for a second.

Go slow and give her the space she needs. Good luck.

Hiya, she has been in therapy for about 4 years I believe. I suppose I'm clutching at straws really just tryi g to fathom out the best way forward for us both so any constructive comments are lovely to hear. Above all I do Want what's best for her and hopefully when she is feeling a little better we can discuss a few options and hopefully find a mutual Comfort zone, I will leave it to her to decide whether or not that includes me sitting in a therapy session with her though.

 

[Mytime]

The friends she meets for coffee, are they men she just meet or are they friends she’s had for some times?

 

[Dave ZInger]

The friends she meets for coffee, are they men she just meet or are they friends she’s had for some times?

They are friends she has had for some time, I don't actually have such an issue with this, the issue is that I seem to be ignored before and after. I get that she needs friends she has no emotional attachment to. Right now i feel that it's a case of "out of sight out of mind". Take today for example, she messaged me when she got up and I messaged her back. I said il ring her and she said no because she's trying to get through to her brother. So I said OK ring. Me when u have a minute then, 7 hours later I've not had any contact from her at all but she has bee. Out with friends again. I told her I feel unwanted and got scolded, she eve. Put our call on speakerphone for her sister to listen in to "show her" how selfish "I" am. It just doesn't seem right to me at all. ?

 

[Mytime]

Has it been like this from the start of your relationship? Is it something that has caused many arguments?

 

[Freida]

the issue is that I seem to be ignored before and after.

This makes sense and I think is something workable - with help

ut our call on speakerphone for her sister to listen in to "show her" how selfish "I" am. It just doesn't seem right to me at all. ?

so - there is a fine line between ptsd and just being a raving bitch. I'm not sure this ^^ doesn't cross that line.
PTSD does not give us the right to be abusive.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Has it been like this from the start of your relationship? Is it something that has caused many arguments?

Its only quite recently, she does have other stressful things on her mind though so I thi k this is something she feels isn't as important.

This makes sense and I think is something workable - with help

so - there is a fine line between ptsd and just being a raving bitch. I'm not sure this ^^ doesn't cross that line.
PTSD does not give us the right to be abusive.

My thoughts exactly, I feel that she sometimes uses her mental health as an excuse for how she treats me.

 

[Mytime]

It was disrespectful for her to put you on speaker phone and I can understand being upset about that. You said when she has a minute to call you. Could it be that she already had plans for the day and she would call you when she could sit down and have a conversation with you.
It seems you took a step forward and now maybe two steps back. It’s like your both in a power struggle, fighting for some kind of control.
The reality is, your only in control of yourself. When you try to control something you have no control over it causes a sh*t load of stress.
Maybe take a step back and ask yourself, what can I change to relieve some stress in this relationship. It’s always easier to look to the other person and think about what you feel they need to change. It’s much harder to look at yourself and what you need to change and then make them.

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why your upset, if your the type of person who would take a quick min and call. I’m like that too, but not all people are. Some wait until they’ve done what they planned out to do for the day and then take the time to call. I have many friends that are like that and I respect it. Because that’s who they are. Hope I’m making sense.

 

[Dave ZInger]

It was disrespectful for her to put you on speaker phone and I can understand being upset about that. You said when she has a minute to call you. Could it be that she already had plans for the day and she would call you when she could sit down and have a conversation with you.
It seems you took a step forward and now maybe two steps back. It’s like your both in a power struggle, fighting for some kind of control.
The reality is, your only in control of yourself. When you try to control something you have no control over it causes a sh*t load of stress.
Maybe take a step back and ask yourself, what can I change to relieve some stress in this relationship. It’s always easier to look to the other person and think about what you feel they need to change. It’s much harder to look at yourself and what you need to change and then make them.

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why your upset, if your the type of person who would take a quick min and call. I’m like that too, but not all people are. Some wait until they’ve done what they planned out to do for the day and then take the time to call. I have many friends that are like that and I respect it. Because that’s who they are. Hope I’m making sense.

Thank you for your advice, I've really tried hard to give kerry the space she says she needs, I don't contact her first thing in the morning like I used to but wait until later or for her to contact me. I've backed right off to give her the time to handle her other stresses. Yes she had plans for today but I did need to speak to her as I won't be meeting up with her until Saturday. I totally respect that everyone is different and I'm trying my best to accommodate her needs but then feel p**sed off when My needs are so tiny and yet she can't seem to put herself out. Yep, sensitive is me, and yep I'd definitely have called her back if the boot was on the other foot.

**I forgot to mention that my gf is out again tonight with friends and a quaintances attanding an awards ceremony for addicts in recovery, I was invited last year bit I didn't feel like going this year and suggested she took her sister instead. Well My god what a difference just one text can make, my Gf has messaged me to say sorry for not ringing me as she has a lot of other things on her mind today and felt stressed so I feel totally at ease again now. Being emotional has it's good points but Sometimes I do wish I wasnt.

 

[Ronin]

A and this is precisely what I was talking about... without meaning to be judgmental of you or your honest strong feelings about the relationship.

The ideas you two have of good time / people you feel comfortable socializing with differ quite a lot. Nothing wrong with separate friends or more sets of friends... but one partner shouldn't feel completely left out, all of the time.

Texts may stop being a magic glue with that. Because the problem gets deeper than that one text, that one evening.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Thank you, I'm actually fine with my gf having friends of both sexes, It is Christmas after all so we are both involved in activities that don't involve the other. Yes you're right, when I'm ignored it hurts, hopefully after the festive season we can sit down and have a proper chat about our individual needs as a relationship held together with random texts is doomed for any couple in my opinion.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Dave ZInger what’s your idea of giving space? Length of time, types of acceptable contact, general idea, etc.?

 

[Dave ZInger]

@Dave ZInger what’s your idea of giving space? Length of time, types of acceptable contact, general idea, etc.?

Well what I've been doing is not contacting her first thing in a day to say good morning (we don't live together), if she texts me then il reply. I never ring her as she doesn't seem. Comfortable with it at the moment. I admit I used to text quite a, lot but now probably about 3 times a day and thats the only form of contact currently.