Advice On How To Say/explain This?

[Orglethorp]

Alright, so, today's my birthday and it was also a sorority meeting, and when my sisters found out that I didn't have plans to go out and get drunk tonight they tried to convince me. I got off the hook with the church card, explaining that not only do I want to be present and awake for the morning service, I'm meeting someone there who isn't always at that particular church, so yes, I do have to be there and feeling like chatting.

They have decided that we shall post-pone the partying until next weekend. I agreed that we could go down town, but no one is allowed to get me drunk / pressure me to get drunk. At first they agreed, but then they continued to talk about all the different shots I should try at their favourite clubs & bars, and trying to explain different levels of drunkenness to determine whether or not me saying "I don't want to be drunk" allowed for a certain milder level of intoxication.

They asked me at one point why I don't want to get drunk. They thought perhaps I'm afraid of being hungover. I didn't really know how to respond, because I don't want to reveal & explain PTSD to them, so I simply said "I don't like the idea that I might do things I might regret," which has apparently lead them to believe that when I say I don't want to get drunk, what I mean is I don't want to get completely stupid trashed. This is not true. I don't want to be drunk, period.

I do drink when the occasion arises, very conservatively, but I've never let myself get drunk. I've only been tipsy once. (For reference, I'm 25.) In a formal setting I'll have a glass of wine or possibly a single margarita. I don't like beer, but I absolutely love the less-sweet varieties of coolers (Bacardi breezers in the Pink Grapefruit flavour, in particular, is a favourite) and I'll gladly bring & drink those in a beer-suited situation. At bars, I'm a rum & coke person. If I'm venturing into other mixed drinks, it's likely to be a mudslide. I always stop at 2 drinks maximum. The point here being that I don't experiment, I don't like to mix alcohols (in fact I hardly ever drink anything other than rum or wine, and never both in the same night), and I don't do shots.

I don't see the point in being drunk, and I don't see the point in drinking heavily or drinking high-alcohol drinks unless you're trying to get drunk. I'm perfectly capable of having a good time while sober. More importantly, though, the idea of being drunk makes me very anxious. When I told the girls that I don't want to be drunk because I don't want to possibly do something that I might regret, I know they understand that as I don't want to make a fool of myself. That's not at all what I meant. I mean yes, I don't want that, but that's not what I was getting at. I don't want to agree to or allow anything that I wouldn't normally be comfortable with, and having never been drunk, I don't know what kind of a drunk I would be.

I know that to a certain extent, drunk behaviour is dictated by social beliefs about what the affects of alcohol should be, but regardless of social expectations, drunk people generally don't care about personal space. As a PTSD sufferer, this makes just being with people who are drinking kind of difficult. If I were to be drunk and also let down my guard in terms of personal space, I worry that I might be setting myself up to get triggered, be it by something that happens while I'm drunk and with other people, or the next day, when I'm back to my personal-bubble-conscious self and remembering the previous night. I fear allowing more intimate contact with other party-goers than my sober self would tolerate and being triggered by it later. I fear suddenly being triggered by something in the moment that has resulted from allowing someone else to be in my space. I'm also just plain afraid of the fact that I don't know how much being drunk would or would not alter my own behaviour.

So, what do I say to these girls? I mentioned this to my Mom when I spoke to her on the phone, and she suggested telling them that I'll try whatever within reason as long as it's all properly spaced out, but she's missing the fact that I sincerely do not want to try stuff. If I chose to drink at a club, I'd like to take my time with just one plain old Captain & Cola and get out on the dance floor knowing that I'm as aware as I should be of what the drunk men around me are doing.

 

[Pinkcake]

Hmm...I guess it depends on what you want to say. If you just flat out don't want to tell them why you don't want to drink there are tricks to being able to seem as though you are drinking and they more they are drinking the less attention they will pay to what you are drinking. One is to have something in your hand all the time that looks like a drink. It doesn't have to be alcohol but you can tell them it is. If you get offered a shot, say, no thanks, I'm already drinking this _____.

I'm 29 years old. I enjoy socially drinking. If I don't feel like drinking when I'm out, I can tell my friends but if we are at a bar or club, I usually just say my stomach isn't feeling well and I can't handle any alcohol at the moment.

Can I ask why you feel like you HAVE to go?

 

[Orglethorp]

Well, I do want to spend time with these girls, and when you're a university student in St. John's, sending time with your peers on a weekend evening means taking a trip down to George Street (it's literally a street of bars and clubs). As I mentioned, these are my sorority sisters, and I've just been awarded president for this year, so it's expected that we party together. We do also have girls nights at someone's house with pizza and board games, but that's not what we have planned for next weekend.

 

[safenow]

I don't understand why you would even accept the invitation to go. When something makes you this concerned, it's a signal to back away from it. It's one thing to have a pizza party and such, it's another to go to a place you know is going to be drunken stuff. And since they are pressuring you to get drunk, they don't give a damn about how you feel.

Just my .02 cents.

 

[Orglethorp]

I have gone clubbing with half of these girls before and was not pressured into drinking, but we were going with the purpose of being present at a mixer with the campus' only fraternity so I'm not sure if that was a factor in them leaving me alone once I had refused drinks the first time.

 

[Sing2me]

You could pretend like Pinkcake suggested or flat out say no. I personally suggest doing neither. I'd get whichever drinks I wanted and when handed something you don't want (like shots) Id laugh and kid I'm a lightweight. That you know your boundaries and are going to stick with your normal drinks because anything else will make you sick and/or throw up because of the taste and a sensitive stomach.

If its pushed I'd look them dead in the eye, a little confused but a little smile so they don't get insulted and ask "do you WANT me to get sick?". Hopefully that will shut them up. Just my two cents.

 

[saffy]

Assert your wishes by saying that you do not mind coming with them but you expect them to respect your wishes in that you do not want to get drunk. You do not like being drunk or the feeling of being drunk. If they continue to expect you to get drunk with them you will change you mind and not go out. If they try to force you to get drunk you will leave the party.

No matter what they say, do the broken record verse if needs until it sinks in. If they try to manipulate you tell them that you are starting to feel pressured and uncomfortable and if it carries on you will leave/not go.

Being assertive is about looking after your own needs whilst respecting others. You are not telling them they cannot get drunk, you are not telling them they are stupid or anything else for what they are doing but you are expecting them to respect your needs and wishes.

If they still carry on, then the problem is theirs not yours and you can stand with your head held high knowing that you have not let them manipulate or force you into doing something you do not wish to do.

You do not have to get drunk to have a good time. In fact you will have a better laugh watching them get drunk and will feel better in control and better in the morning :)

Manipulations might include saying you are boring or no fun or something like that. Tough, do not listen to them. Go with what you want to do, not what they want you to do. Being forced into something you do not want to do that is negative to you is abuse, no matter how good a friend they are.

Stick to your guns :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[DharmaGirl]

I didn't like to drink more than one drink when my friends and I would go clubbing (when I was your age). They all knew I was the lightweight. You could say you are on antibiotics and can't drink, or painkillers or some such. I used to say if I drink more than 2 drinks I puke. I understand the dilemma, but you don't have to be what they want you to be.

 

[Loner]

They are probably picking up on some amount of indecisiveness (which is in reality you being unsure what to say and being hesitant to reveal anything about your ptsd) and think that perhaps they are helping you to come out of your shell and be less uptight, which they view as a good thing. They probably assume your desire not to get drunk is founded on myths and exaggerations your parents told you.

Just tell them you don't like getting drunk, that you've been drunk before, and just don't enjoy it. A few drinks is good but after that you just start feeling sick. They might balk at you. Expect that, and roll with it.

 

[Spiderallis]

Monster1977 has a good thought with mentioning medication. People tend to back off very politely when it's a health issue. Saying it's antibiotics or pain pills may prompt further inquiry into what's wrong. If your sorority sisters start trying to coax you into consuming more than you'd like, some sort of vague stomach issue should halt the issue quickly. "I'll have much more fun dancing if I'm not feeling ill" can turn the conversation back towards the fun of the evening.

 

[just me here]

Unless this is a walk too club, they need a designated driver and offering to be the DD can gain you points socially while allowing you a good reason to avoid drinking. Being a reliable DD made my daughter popular, but I know she also drank with her friends when she wanted too and could arrange another driver for everyone. Always being willing and able to drop the homework or whatever other activities happen in a dorm room on a weekend night to go retreive her drunken friends kept her in good standing without drinking every time the gang wanted to go on a binge.

I personally use the medication excuse, and the truth that my wife and I have promised each other we will not get drunk away from home, ever.

 

[safenow]

If its pushed I'd look them dead in the eye, a little confused but a little smile so they don't get insulted and ask "do you WANT me to get sick?".

Wonderful way to handle it. Well said.