General Advice On How We Can Achieve A Fair Balance In The Relationship While He's Struggling

[Wastinglight]

He was even more distant last night. And this morning. I commented last night that it seems like he needs more time to himself, and he said that he didn't want to bail on me. But he spent most of yesterday evening in the garage. Again. He gives me affection when I ask for it, as usual, but otherwise, he more or less ignores me. I'm starting to feel like the only reason he asked me to stay over is so I could rub his back, drop him off to do some sport with his dad and one of our friends, and buy some groceries for him on my way home this afternoon (even though that probably not quite true).

I know he's having problems with back pain and he's changing meds, so things are definitely hard for him at the moment. I'm being supportive as always. But I've tried several times now to have an honest conversation with him about how to manage our relationship while he's going through a rough patch, and so far we haven't managed to resolve it. It seems that he wants to keep me happy and is trying to 'do the right thing' (by not cancelling on me), but the reality is, I'm going to be upset no matter, because it feels like he doesn't really want to be around me right now (I know this because he spends most of his time in the garage when I'm at his house, at the moment!).

I imagine some of you will think that I should just cut him some slack or leave him alone or whatever, but he ASKED me to stay over last night and tonight. It feels like he wants me there to do things for him, but otherwise doesn't want to interact with me at all. That doesn't seem quite fair to me. Frankly I feel a bit used. It's true that these are things that I often do for him, and generally I don't mind doing them, but if he's going to pretty much ignore me the rest of the time, that's not cool. I have needs too, dammit! My T is always telling me that I have a right to ask for 'equal billing' in the relationship, but the reality is (as the rest of you here know), it's not that simple in a PTSD relationship.

My girlfriends invited me to catch up for an hour or so after work. I'm planning to go, but I also know that if I do, he will cotton on that something is wrong and he will probably think I'm REALLY upset this time, because I'm putting off going back to his house, and that might make things worse between us (In the past I have always scheduled catchups with the girls on days when I'm not staying at his house).

Any tips on how best to approach this? Because I know that if I don't address it soon, I will just become more upset and more resentful of him. And then we'll end up having a fight. I want to try and resolve this in a calm, reasonable manner!

Any constructive advice would be very much appreciated :)

 

[Wastinglight]

Sorry, just re-read my post and I feel like I was a bit inarticulate. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel frustrated because it seems he needs me but doesn't want me right now (if that makes any sense). I don't think there's any compromise that we can come to that will meet my needs while he's having a hard time, so I'm wondering what I can do or say to stop things going downhill between us in the meantime. Maybe I should just shut up and put up until he's feeling better....

 

[Sighs]

mmm - the garage / man cave...

My vet will often retreat to the garage and I'll bring him out a cup of tea. When I turn around to go back inside he'll say "where are you going? Stay here." and then proceed to potter about the garage with his boy things seemingly ignoring me. Like you, I used to feel a bit used until I realised that my presence was reassuring to him. That he didn't want to chat about my day, talk about "us" or cuddle but that my being there was helping him. It may be a male/female thing - that old chestnut about women building intimacy by talking and men building intimacy by doing...

It took quite a mind shift to get from "are you kidding? I'm bored. why are you making me sit here? what I am supposed to be doing - staring at the wall? I've got stuff to do inside!" to "isn't this nice? just sitting, sipping my tea while he potters around with something... relaxing together in the quiet"

I may be wrong but I think the reason it upsets you is because you think he doesn't want to spend time with you, but I don't think that's the case.If he asked you to stay he wants you there. Maybe in the house while he's in the garage but available to him.

As for getting your needs met, when my vet asks me to do something (ie: Honey can you find me my xyz and bring it here?) I often answer "yes, but it will cost you!" It costs him a kiss or a cuddle payable immediately. I get more physical affection from him, I don't feel so ignored or used and it re-enforces to him that I do things for him but I have needs in the relationship too. All in a playful joking way.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks so much for your reply @Sighs. It helps a lot, and I think you're right. I guess I've been getting a bit worked up lately because there have been so many little disappointments lately that have all added up in my head (e.g. pretty much had to force him to sit down and have dinner with on Valentine's Day, didn't get invited to his family lunch yesterday, he keeps suggesting that I go and have a long visit with my family so he can "have a weekend to himself", etc, etc) and made me feel pretty unloved. But when I ask him "Are we spending too much time together?" he says no. Argggh!

I wouldn't be surprised if he was sitting there thinking "I'm doing what she asked, I'm not cancelling on our plans, I give her a kiss and cuddle when she asks for it, what's the problem?" And I hate the fact that I'm coming off all clingy with him lately - doesn't help things.

I had to laugh when I read your "it'll cost you!" anecdote though. I often demand a "kiss toll" when I do something for him. His evasive behaviour does play on my insecurities and anxiety though.

I'm sure we'll get through it, but it helps a lot to chat with others who can relate though, so thanks! I'm a bit less grumpy now :-)

 

[Sighs]

As much as I hesitate to quote my parents as authorities on anything...

My Dad (combat PTSD sufferer) always said "Whoever told you that life was going to be fair?"

My Mum (clinical psychologist) always said "The healthier partner at any given time has to give more."

 

[Wastinglight]

My Dad (combat PTSD sufferer) always said "Whoever told you that life was going to be fair?"

My Mum (clinical psychologist) always said "The healthier partner at any given time has to give more."

Well said, @Sighs' parents! I was contemplating exactly such thoughts earlier. As well as accepting that there must be compromise in any relationship - and this is one thing I guess I will have to compromise on.

I haven't been very patient with him lately. I'm feeling bad about that. It feels like there's been more take than give on his side lately. But I suppose I will have to get used to that! And concentrate on working on myself some more so I can take care of myself more effectively

Hope all is well with you and your man :)

 

[Sighs]

Try to be kind to yourself. Don't feel bad for sometimes feeling angry, frustrated, hurt, lonely or sad. This is a great place to vent.

Thank you for your kind wish that all is well with me and my vet. I feel like the longer we're together the better we understand each other and the stronger bond we forge. :hug:

 

[still_i_rise]

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated and lonely and unappreciated :hug:
My husband has periods where he can't even make eye contact with me. He don't know if he realizes this. On a intellectual level, I know he's doing what he can to get through that very moment, that hour, that day. But on a emotional level, it hurts and frustrates me.

I've come to accept that there are times when he just wants to have me in the same house. That's all. He can't handle human contact. It's not me. It's not even him. It's the PTSD. It's not always all that comforting, I know.

It gets trying when your needs are constantly second to his. I know. I hear you. Just know that you being in that garage means the world to him, even if you're just pottering about with his guy tools.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @still_i_rise. Much appreciated. I know that my feelings are valid, but I am going the wrong way about expressing myself and negotiating how to manage our relationship so that neither of use feel neglected (as far as that is possible!).

I was just thinking back on what I said to him this morning and suddenly thought Oh god, I'm turning into one of those horrible clingy, demanding girlfriends! I swore I'd never be that person! *sigh*

So I think I might start with an apology when I speak with him about it tonight. I imagine he's probably sick of talking about this stuff. But for my peace of mind, it has to be resolved. Wish me luck!

 

[Wastinglight]

So we had a talk about this last night. In the middle of it, he brought up that he had 3 appointments next week that he was feeling very anxious about, and said he didn't want to see me at all next week (he asked if this was okay, but it wasn't really a question). This is because he knows that he won't have the capacity to deal with other people being around while this is going on - he needs time between appointments to manage his symptoms. So after spending all day yesterday getting into a good place and accepting that he is a bit distant at the moment because he's struggling, I got upset all over again.

Well, 'upset' isn't the right word for it. For some reason, this triggered my anxiety is a very big way. After our chat, I went for a very long walk, and had the longest and most intense panic attack I've experienced in quite some time. I'm not really even sure why this occurred. After all, I DID understand that he was simply trying to manage his symptoms and create space for himself in order to avoid having a serious crash - which might have disastrous implications for our relationship. It's just unfortunate that this management strategy caused ME to crash! It suddenly made me realise that I am not managing my GAD very well. But anyway, that's another matter.

I am glad that I managed to tell him what I was feeling - even though I don't think he really understood it. When he told me that he didn't want me to come around next week, I said that I would respect his wishes, but it would be hard for me. He said it shouldn't be a big deal, and if it was, then we had a problem. It was hard to talk about it yesterday, because he didn't really want to discuss it. This morning though, he brought it up himself and I reminded him that he had already been very distant and withdrawn the past 2 weeks, so his request was just one more thing in a long line of things that had upset me.

Last night I pointed out that, even though pushing people away and being alone for days at a time worked well for him when he was single, we needed to find a new strategy for when we start living together. He agreed, but said he didn't want to talk about it yet. He just wanted to get through next week. Fair enough. I also said that I was willing to compromise on this, but that he needed to compromise too. So this morning he asked me if I wanted to stay over tonight as well (normally we spend Monday and Thursday nights apart). That made me feel a little better

So we're both trying, but they are difficult discussions to have, because really, neither of us fully understand what the other person is going through. I have no idea what his PTSD feels like, and he has no idea what my GAD feels like. When I got back from my walk last night, he cuddled me for a while and said: "You're not going to lose me." I do worry about that. Acting like a crazy person in front of him only makes me feel more scared that he will eventually leave me because it might become too difficult to deal with his stuff AND mine at the same time. I'm certainly struggling to deal with both our stuff right now.

Anyway, I have decided that I will spend next week working on myself. Getting stuff done that I've been putting off, spending lots of time with my friends, investigating EMDR treatment (for myself) and talking to my doctor about possibly changing my meds. It might do me good to put him out of my mind for a week, and start facing my own demons.

 

[still_i_rise]

How are you doing @Wastinglight ?
Hope you're getting the supports and resources you need to help yourself work through your GAD.
:hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

I'm doing pretty well @still_i_rise - thanks for checking in! I'm starting EMDR next month, feeling very nervous, but also excited at the prospect of finally addressing the root causes of my 20+ year struggle with anxiety. Hope all is well in your world too :-)