joeylittle
Sponsor
That's your psychopathology - your symptom set - and it doesn't relate to the OPs issue, please remind yourself of this:Boundries help me as well as you. They guide me, helping me learn as I go. They help you by not allowing me to be an asshole to you because you will not stand for that. I WILL MOST CERTIANLY BE an asshole to you and not even mean to if you let me be. That is where boundries come in. They stop me from accidently making people my personal doormat...because they will not allow that or tolerate that in their life.
Sufferers: Read before posting
Also: because it deserves to be said repeatedly - Person A doesn't set boundaries in order to help person B. Person A sets boundaries in order to take care of themselves. When person A sets boundaries in order to control person B's actions by leveraging B's fear of blowing up the relationship by stepping over the line...that doesn't result in a healthy dynamic. That's setting up the healthy person to be the cop, and the sick person to be the problem.
@Butterfly64 - you seem to have worked out a good perspective in this thread. Just to quote you to yourself:
This sounds like a solid plan - and I don't get the impression that you mean to threaten leaving in order to motivate him to change. It sounds like a solid, healthy boundary for yourself, especially given that there's been a cycle between you and him, and without something intervening, it's likely to repeat.We are on a break in June...after that I will tele him that if he wants to be with me, we have to work on it....have conversations about it....just as friends to begin with. Thanks for your advice....if he will not have these conversations I will cut him loose.
Keep remembering this, the part about not being able to save him.However it is hard to let go. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep...for two years now. I think about him all the time. But I cannot save him. So no more! If he insist on not seeking therapy now, then nothing changes.
Advice - don't minimize your own pain. From everything you've written, it sounds like ending things with him would be very painful for you.I know it will be more painfull for him that it will be for me....he struggles daily with PTSD and pain.
You are allowed to feel your feelings. It's easy for any relationship with a chronically ill person to become a bit about 'they are struggling so much more, because they have the illness'. But none of us live our lives with some sort of inherent objectivity - we experience what happens to us. That's just a lot of words for - you would be hurting too, and it's important for you to let yourself feel your own experience - not his.
The running and coming back isn't always a PTSD thing - you've heard people say that on this thread. I think there are things in his behavior that speak to some deeper (negative) beliefs he has about himself/relationships, and those are things that would probably also come up for him in therapy.That said, now that I have found this Forum I know, the way he acts...running, coming back...is “normal” PTSD behavoiur and I that has helped me immensely to understand him better...I know he wants a relationship with me....I know he loves intimacy, but holds it back, because as he said two weeks ago...if I give you my little finger, you will take the entire arm...meaning, if he opens up for intimacy just a little he will be in a relationship before he knows what is going on...and he cannot handle that...he has a hard time taking care of himself!
Just an observation about this....it sounds like he has spent time analyzing his own behavior; and, like most of us (humans, not just PTSD sufferers), he's got some of it right and some of it wrong. The concept of "if he is allowed, he does not feel trapped" - that's very shaky ground for a relationship. I'm not surprised it didn't work in his past relationship(s), and it's the same thing that has him unable to be present fully with you in a relationship. I'm glad to read that you are aware this doesn't make you happy.But he is like a drug! It scares me that I am 11 years older than him...how soon will he grow tired of me? He wants to be single, no intimacy, few and short meetings, is it true that he will f... some random woman or a lie, and if at a point he gets ready for sometning that resembles a relationship...will he want some sort of agreement...like he had with his ex of 7 years....that he is allowed to have sex with another woman...not open relationship though! “Just agreement that they were both allowed sex with other people, but they had to talk about it before they did it” He claims it is reversed phsycology...if he is allowed, he does not feel trapped and will not act on being allowed.
But you've also developed some self-worth around your role in his life, like you express here:
Again, just an observation - this is a little bit of a double-edged sword, and worth spending some time on (with/for yourself) in June. You seem to be identifying a little bit with a 'rescuer' role. I'm not saying you're wrong about any of this, just that you are defining yourself based on his perspective, not your own. You get to be an amazing person on your own terms - your worth in the relationship doesn't need to hinge on how you've created new feelings in him.For some reason his desire for me is bigger than he has experienced before. All of his previous relationships failed...they would be compatible either on the sex front or the “personal” front...never on both fronts. So with me, for the first time in his life, he has met a woman where both fronts, personal and sexually are perfect. He knows I am the one for him, but due to PTSD he cannot act on it.
The hard truth is, if he can't meet you with an equal commitment - then maybe he's not worthy of what you are willing to give. Don't sell yourself short. Like @Sweetpea76 said - your mental and emotional state matters. And like you've stated, you can't successfully build a relationship with a hypothetical version of his future better self.I believe he deep down longs to be in a relationship with me, but he does not have the energy...and believes that he is not worthy of me.
I'd just feel weird if I didn't say...I think that last bit (to protect the supporter) is a lie we sufferers tell ourselves. It's pretty common for people with PTSD to have a negative self-concept - variations on the themes of: "I'm damaged, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve to be happy, they deserve someone better", etc. But none of that is real, it's all distorted thinking. What's real is - shit gets overwhelming, and the wall comes down. Sometimes accompanied by guilt, sometimes by anger. And then that shit is overwhelming too, so build more walls, plus a moat. That sort of thing. It's maladaptive behavior.As I have learned from reading various posts....some sufferers will push their supporter away and say not so nice things...to protect themselves from getting too involved, but also to protect their supporter.
It's self-protecting, that's definitely a legit way to describe it. But it's not really about protecting anyone else, that's more of an internal justification (that thing I was saying about how it's easy to analyze one's own behavior incorrectly).
I don't think he's an asshole, BTW.He loves intimacy, but fears acting upon it...that if he opens up to it, he loses self control and plunges into official relationship. He is surviving on a day to day basis and has no energy for “relationship problems” especially expectations. He feels guilty towards me all the time....not being able to deliver on relationship. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family and friends. Keep in mind that his back injury gives him severe pain on daily basis, so he spends a lot of time lying down.
I think what I'd like to leave you with (and feel free to take it or leave it) - the not being able to cope with other people thing, it's typical of a number of mental illnesses. And PTSD is quite literally, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is a bit of an over-simplification, but I think it's helpful: The symptoms we experience result from our brains and bodies failing to expel the stress we experienced in the trauma event(s). Just living with that stress can be more than a full-time job, and chronic pain absolutely makes everything worse.
A successful one-on-one adult relationship needs both parties to be able to come to the table. We (humans) all have damage. Some have more than others. A person living with PTSD will need to be able to schlepp their damage right up to the table with them, and be say "this is what it is", and "I can carry this, and I can be here also". Doesn't mean we're all better - just, we need to be stable enough to show up, and willing to do the personal work that gives us the best chance of continuing to show up, day after day.