Relationship No intimacy, denies we are in relationship. Need advice!

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Boundries help me as well as you. They guide me, helping me learn as I go. They help you by not allowing me to be an asshole to you because you will not stand for that. I WILL MOST CERTIANLY BE an asshole to you and not even mean to if you let me be. That is where boundries come in. They stop me from accidently making people my personal doormat...because they will not allow that or tolerate that in their life.
That's your psychopathology - your symptom set - and it doesn't relate to the OPs issue, please remind yourself of this:
Sufferers: Read before posting

Also: because it deserves to be said repeatedly - Person A doesn't set boundaries in order to help person B. Person A sets boundaries in order to take care of themselves. When person A sets boundaries in order to control person B's actions by leveraging B's fear of blowing up the relationship by stepping over the line...that doesn't result in a healthy dynamic. That's setting up the healthy person to be the cop, and the sick person to be the problem.

@Butterfly64 - you seem to have worked out a good perspective in this thread. Just to quote you to yourself:
We are on a break in June...after that I will tele him that if he wants to be with me, we have to work on it....have conversations about it....just as friends to begin with. Thanks for your advice....if he will not have these conversations I will cut him loose.
This sounds like a solid plan - and I don't get the impression that you mean to threaten leaving in order to motivate him to change. It sounds like a solid, healthy boundary for yourself, especially given that there's been a cycle between you and him, and without something intervening, it's likely to repeat.
However it is hard to let go. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep...for two years now. I think about him all the time. But I cannot save him. So no more! If he insist on not seeking therapy now, then nothing changes.
Keep remembering this, the part about not being able to save him.
I know it will be more painfull for him that it will be for me....he struggles daily with PTSD and pain.
Advice - don't minimize your own pain. From everything you've written, it sounds like ending things with him would be very painful for you.

You are allowed to feel your feelings. It's easy for any relationship with a chronically ill person to become a bit about 'they are struggling so much more, because they have the illness'. But none of us live our lives with some sort of inherent objectivity - we experience what happens to us. That's just a lot of words for - you would be hurting too, and it's important for you to let yourself feel your own experience - not his.
That said, now that I have found this Forum I know, the way he acts...running, coming back...is “normal” PTSD behavoiur and I that has helped me immensely to understand him better...I know he wants a relationship with me....I know he loves intimacy, but holds it back, because as he said two weeks ago...if I give you my little finger, you will take the entire arm...meaning, if he opens up for intimacy just a little he will be in a relationship before he knows what is going on...and he cannot handle that...he has a hard time taking care of himself!
The running and coming back isn't always a PTSD thing - you've heard people say that on this thread. I think there are things in his behavior that speak to some deeper (negative) beliefs he has about himself/relationships, and those are things that would probably also come up for him in therapy.
But he is like a drug! It scares me that I am 11 years older than him...how soon will he grow tired of me? He wants to be single, no intimacy, few and short meetings, is it true that he will f... some random woman or a lie, and if at a point he gets ready for sometning that resembles a relationship...will he want some sort of agreement...like he had with his ex of 7 years....that he is allowed to have sex with another woman...not open relationship though! “Just agreement that they were both allowed sex with other people, but they had to talk about it before they did it” He claims it is reversed phsycology...if he is allowed, he does not feel trapped and will not act on being allowed.
Just an observation about this....it sounds like he has spent time analyzing his own behavior; and, like most of us (humans, not just PTSD sufferers), he's got some of it right and some of it wrong. The concept of "if he is allowed, he does not feel trapped" - that's very shaky ground for a relationship. I'm not surprised it didn't work in his past relationship(s), and it's the same thing that has him unable to be present fully with you in a relationship. I'm glad to read that you are aware this doesn't make you happy.

But you've also developed some self-worth around your role in his life, like you express here:
For some reason his desire for me is bigger than he has experienced before. All of his previous relationships failed...they would be compatible either on the sex front or the “personal” front...never on both fronts. So with me, for the first time in his life, he has met a woman where both fronts, personal and sexually are perfect. He knows I am the one for him, but due to PTSD he cannot act on it.
Again, just an observation - this is a little bit of a double-edged sword, and worth spending some time on (with/for yourself) in June. You seem to be identifying a little bit with a 'rescuer' role. I'm not saying you're wrong about any of this, just that you are defining yourself based on his perspective, not your own. You get to be an amazing person on your own terms - your worth in the relationship doesn't need to hinge on how you've created new feelings in him.
I believe he deep down longs to be in a relationship with me, but he does not have the energy...and believes that he is not worthy of me.
The hard truth is, if he can't meet you with an equal commitment - then maybe he's not worthy of what you are willing to give. Don't sell yourself short. Like @Sweetpea76 said - your mental and emotional state matters. And like you've stated, you can't successfully build a relationship with a hypothetical version of his future better self.
As I have learned from reading various posts....some sufferers will push their supporter away and say not so nice things...to protect themselves from getting too involved, but also to protect their supporter.
I'd just feel weird if I didn't say...I think that last bit (to protect the supporter) is a lie we sufferers tell ourselves. It's pretty common for people with PTSD to have a negative self-concept - variations on the themes of: "I'm damaged, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve to be happy, they deserve someone better", etc. But none of that is real, it's all distorted thinking. What's real is - shit gets overwhelming, and the wall comes down. Sometimes accompanied by guilt, sometimes by anger. And then that shit is overwhelming too, so build more walls, plus a moat. That sort of thing. It's maladaptive behavior.

It's self-protecting, that's definitely a legit way to describe it. But it's not really about protecting anyone else, that's more of an internal justification (that thing I was saying about how it's easy to analyze one's own behavior incorrectly).
He loves intimacy, but fears acting upon it...that if he opens up to it, he loses self control and plunges into official relationship. He is surviving on a day to day basis and has no energy for “relationship problems” especially expectations. He feels guilty towards me all the time....not being able to deliver on relationship. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family and friends. Keep in mind that his back injury gives him severe pain on daily basis, so he spends a lot of time lying down.
I don't think he's an asshole, BTW.

I think what I'd like to leave you with (and feel free to take it or leave it) - the not being able to cope with other people thing, it's typical of a number of mental illnesses. And PTSD is quite literally, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is a bit of an over-simplification, but I think it's helpful: The symptoms we experience result from our brains and bodies failing to expel the stress we experienced in the trauma event(s). Just living with that stress can be more than a full-time job, and chronic pain absolutely makes everything worse.

A successful one-on-one adult relationship needs both parties to be able to come to the table. We (humans) all have damage. Some have more than others. A person living with PTSD will need to be able to schlepp their damage right up to the table with them, and be say "this is what it is", and "I can carry this, and I can be here also". Doesn't mean we're all better - just, we need to be stable enough to show up, and willing to do the personal work that gives us the best chance of continuing to show up, day after day.
 
It sounds like he is telling you the only way he can that he cannot give you want you need and he is struggling. Why are you holding on so tightly?
Because the love between us is there...simple as that. But you are right. I have to let go. He is struggling with wanting me and being able not to go through with it. We texted last night...he said he can’t see me for a while....then he gets weak and want to be with me...that he has to “find himself” first. Which seems totally unrealistic without therapy. Thank you for your input. I appreciate it!
Ok, I am a supporter, so this is coming from a supporter perspective. My responses tend to look out for the supporter and their well being first. I’m not attacking your guy, I don’t know him. My advice is focused on you and your own mental state.

Did he tell you all of this, or is this what you’ve concluded from reading the forums?

There is no “normal” PTSD behavior. Everybody responds to stressors differently. Some isolate, so relationship hop, some are promiscuous, some avoid... and on and on. Keep in mind these are coping mechanisms, not symptoms. He is choosing his behaviors here, for whatever reason...
Yes he told all that at once. Thank you....I really needed this. I know he is not good for me...as I am not good for him. I confuse him...make him feel guilty that he is not able to “give me what I deserve”... his words. He makes me more sad than happy. One of the reasons I stayed so long...apart from loving him...is the fact we were neighbours untill end January...luckily he moved. I live in the country just across a forest, and he would walk his dog every day pass my hous. Now I don’t run into him “by accident” so that is good!
And you are spot on regarding therapy. He used to work in family therapy...help people get better...sometimes I think he is conviced therapy will not help him...that he can help himself...totally unrealistic!
I am done...I don’t want to be this person anymore, forgiving him all the time, walking on eggshells. I don’t recognice myself anymore. I am truly an extremely strong woman and I am leadinf myself on believing this will all work out...it won’t. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Boundries! Gosh, so important! So, so, so, SO important for me and for the supporter that is setting it and for the relationship.

I have said it a millon times. Boundries help me as well as you. They guide me, helping me learn as I go. They help you by not allowing me to be an asshole to you because you will not stand for that. I WILL MOST CERTIANLY BE an asshole to you and not even mean to if you let me be. That is where boundries come in. They stop me from accidently making people my personal doormat...because they will not allow that or tolerate that in their life. So, if I want them in my life, I cannot be an asshole to them. Period. Or there are smaller boundries set around that. Time outs. Communication afterwards. Etc.

By the way, one can act like an asshole without being an asshole. I am the sweetest, most giving, most empathic, sympathic person I know. I am far from an asshole as a person. But, my actions? They can be very asshole-ic. Asshole actions are seperate from the person. I can be the biggest asshole known in town but the real me? Not so much. That doesn't mean that behavior isn't being an asshole because it is. Though I am personally not an asshole.

I hope that made some sense.
You are spot on! He is not an asshole...has he treated me like one...yes! Have I put up with it due to his PTSD...yes! Should I have put my foot down...yes! But I did not...too scared of losing him. The real him is empathic just like you. I am the only one he is being an asshole towards...ironic right...the only one he keeps at an arms lenght.
Thanks for sharing...truly! I need a reality check
This sounds like a solid plan - and I don't get the impression that you mean to threaten leaving in order to motivate him to change. It sounds like a solid, healthy boundary for yourself, especially given that there's been a cycle between you and him, and without something intervening, it's likely to repeat.
Keep remembering this, the part about not being able to save him.
Advice - don't minimize your own pain. From everything you've written, it sounds like ending things with him would be very painful for you.

You are allowed to feel your feelings. It's easy for any relationship with a chronically ill person to become a bit about 'they are struggling so much more, because they have the illness'. But none of us live our lives with some sort of inherent objectivity - we experience what happens to us. That's just a lot of words for - you would be hurting too, and it's important for you to let yourself feel your own experience - not his.
Thank you so much for input!
The break in June is simply to give us both breathing space...threats do not work and are not fair. There most definitely is a cycle, which needs to be broken. It is unhealthy for both of us.
As he puts it himself...it is the sum of all my relationship that make me wan’t to be single. That said, PTSD has made that even more true...he has no energy for coping with whatever “problems” a relationship would produce...when he is in a good way he wants a relationship with me, when he is in a bad way he does not....to and fro! So he holds back intimacy...even though he loves it...because if he starts kissing and cuddling then...in his world...he has to commit to a relationship. Intimacy and saying I love you equals relationship...in his world. Other guys would be intimate and still claim to be single, but he will not because according to him...if he is intimate with me he has to be able to follow through and commit and not pull out one month later, because he panicks.
Regarding his “agreement” with his ex of 7 years. He only had that agreement with her...not in previous relationships and he did not act on that agreement...did not sleep with anybody. He need such an agreement with her in order to feel free...some people are like that. I don’t think he would ever have acted on it even if they had stayed together...he says he is a one woman man...it thinks it is to avoid being “trapped for life”... not very mature or responsible.
I cannot rescue him...he has to work on that himself....I can offer to be there as a friend...no more. He feels numb all of the time, has dark thoughts, wants to live isolated on an Island in order not to feel guilt towards everybody the whole time.
Thanks again!
 
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That's your psychopathology - your symptom set - and it doesn't relate to the OPs issue, please remind yourself of this:
Sufferers: Read before posting

Also: because it deserves to be said repeatedly - Person A doesn't set boundaries in order to help person B. Person A sets boundaries in order to take care of themselves. When person A sets boundaries in order to control person B's actions by leveraging B's fear of blowing up the relationship by stepping over the line...that doesn't result in a healthy dynamic. That's setting up the healthy person to be the cop, and the sick person to be the problem.

I was simply making a statement that I make in almost all supporter threads without getting my hands slapped. Finding my way out of this thread.

@Butterfly64. Good luck to you!
 
I was simply making a statement that I make in almost all supporter threads without getting my hands slapped. Finding my way out of this thread.

@Butterfly64. Good luck to you!
You are right about boundaries....I didn’t set any...too scared of losing him...I have only seen him once (a week ago) since 22. of May. He has asked me on Messenger four times if we can be together again...and I said no...showed some backbone ? I am doing okay actually. I miss him naturally, but this is me setting boundaries...if he wants to be with me he must be able to be intimate outside the bedroom... which equals relationship in his world. I don’t think he will become ready for that...so I am moving on, one day at a time. He knows my address...maybe one day he will show up...maybe I don’t want him then. Maybe one day we can be friends....we were for 4 years before we became involved...maybe that is not realistic.
 
He has asked me on Messenger four times if we can be together again...and I said no...showed some backbone ? I am doing okay actually. I miss him naturally, but this is me setting boundaries...if he wants to be with me he must be able to be intimate outside the bedroom... which equals relationship in his world. I don’t think he will become ready for that...so I am moving on, one day at a time. He knows my address...maybe one day he will show up...maybe I don’t want him then. Maybe one day we can be friends....we were for 4 years before we became involved...maybe that is not realistic.
This is brilliant! And it shows me that you are realizing you deserve to be treated well by whoever your partner is --- I love that you are seeing that.
 
This is brilliant! And it shows me that you are realizing you deserve to be treated well by whoever your partner is --- I love that you are seeing that.
Thanks❤️ I love him and I know that we could work it out with open communication, but he never really gave us a chance and that pisses me off. He wanted me for a long time but we were both in semi bad relationships. When he finally had me he panicked...PTSD hit him hard. He said he wanted a relationship and then he didn’t. The thing is...it is easy to yearn to be with somebody from a distance ....it is safe to imagine being in a relationship with them...and then when he finally got the opportunity in real life, PTSD showed it’s ugly face and he couldn’t be in a relationship and he couldn’t let me go....so I walked away.

I can’t do this anymore...him pulling away...spending hours and hours with everybody but me...seeing him five times a month when it used to be 15-20 times...the more I pushed for time and intimacy, the more he ran....and the more I ran away from him. I found this Forum too late....but it still helps me a lot...realizing a lot of valuable things regarding his behavior...realizing that I cannot spend another second with him unless he opens up. Sure...I hope that as time goes by and he realizes I won’t change my mind and come back...like I did for two years....that he is capable of doing some soul searching...if PTSD even allows him to. Maybe he will muster the courage to be in a relationship with me...maybe it is not a question of courage...maybe PTSD is so bad that he simply can’t...I have no f...... clue? I am not holding my breath though
 
Update;

Over a month ago I posted this thread.
I did not see him for 25 days...we texted some times and he asked me four times if we could continue. I stood my ground and said no. After 25 days I went to see him...thought I could handle it...bad idea! We just talked for little over and hour...not about us...just blah blah blah. That set me back four days, before I was back on track...trying to move on. Since then we have texted a few times. Yesterday he wanted to see me again...and I said no, because he isn’t capable of intimacy...he wants to, but he just can’t....it is emotionally too dangerous for him.
It is like we have spent two years standing in front of each other with a thick wall of glass between us. Trying desperately to break down the wall...me, without CPTSD banging away with a sledgehammer trying to chip away at his fear of intimacy and relationship and him using a child’s plastic hammer, because that is all his PTSD will allow him to use. Him feeling guilty for not being able to provide me with what I crave, him not understanding why I can’t get into my head that he is trying as hard as he can, so why do I keep pushing him for intimacy. Me, not knowing that PTSD has broken him, so when I smashed away at the glass wall to get through to him, I pushed him further away.
Yesterday he finally texted me that he has to block me on Messenger...that whenever we write, it messes him up. He has to try to find himself and I am a distraction. That really hurt...dumb...I know...because I have tried to move on since mid June. I don’t want him anymore....I love him...but I can’t continue without intimacy, without some sort of relationship that gives a sense of him really wanting to be with me...and he is not capable of that. So even though I am feeling slightly better than mid June, him blogging me on Messenger felt horrible...final. I know it is for the best....for him and for me...but right now, it just hurts. If he goes to therapy and contacts me down the line and wants to make a go of it....I am not even sure, I want to. He has hurt me too much.....not intentionally...but still.
 
He has to try to find himself and I am a distraction

I can see that. Maybe him trying so hard with you is distracting him working on himself and himself is and should be the upmost important to him. You, yourself.

Not sure if that helps. I know it still hurts but maybe some perspective helps?

I can’t continue without intimacy, without some sort of relationship that gives a sense of him really wanting to be with me.

but right now, it just hurts. If he goes to therapy and contacts me down the line and wants to make a go of it....I am not even sure, I want to

That's fair and totally ok. No shame in any of that. You are learning where your hard line boundries are for you in any relationship and if this relationship doesn't adhere to those boundries it is totally fair and ok to call it quits. And that is ok!
 
I can see that. Maybe him trying so hard with you is distracting him working on himself and himself is and should be the upmost important to him. You, yourself.

Not sure if that helps. I know it still hurts but maybe some perspective helps?





That's fair and totally ok. No shame in any of that. You are learning where your hard line boundries are for you in any relationship and if this relationship doesn't adhere to those boundries it is totally fair and ok to call it quits. And that is ok!
Thanks❤️ All input helps. These two years have been Limbo for both of us....me craving intimacy and him not being able to figure out, “what to do with me”....torn between being selfish and see me, knowing that he hurts me
and stop seeing me...which he could not...I had to say stop and because of that he can’t talk to me anymore...which is totally for the best...but heartbreaking. I hope he works on himself now...that he will finally find a therapist...it is heartbreaking how PTSD destroys people ??
 
You are making the best choice for you. And that's ok - it's what you are supposed to do. Does it suck? Yep. But in the long run you will be healthier and happier - because you will know that you deserve better than what you have in this relationship.
Thanks? I already feel better...I have to let go of what could have been without PTSD.....I have lost one who was my friend for four years before we became involved for two years. Six years...that hurts...maybe one day we can go back to being friends....it feels so absurd and drastic that we will never meet again...he lives seven minutes away by car ?
 
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