Advice On Memory Recollection?

[shimmerz]

On a side note, today my T advised me not to get hooked on "labeling" myself.
Seriously good posts in this thread - everyone! So enlightening! Thank you!

Although I understand his reasoning, for me personally I appreciate it because however horrible a label may be, it comes with an answer to the "cure".

When I first went to my t-doc (2 years after having been diagnosed), he slipped into a conversation, yes, you definitely have PTSD and DDNOS but not DID (I was questioning his saying I was not DID) and then gave me the option of hearing his opinion on another label diagnosis. I said no, that I just wanted to focus on the trauma. For myself, at that time, I was already overwhelmed with the C-PTSD issue.

Now, 5 years later I have learned that my OCD like behaviour that comes and goes is a sign that I am triggered on something. When I just cannot stop myself from 'doing' something or whatever, I recognize that something 'has me'. Now an OCD label is not a bad thing for me because I can use it as a tool to identify when I am triggering.

What I have noticed though is that it all stems from trauma and triggering behaviour - so I keep the focus on the PTSD and the little sidewinders like OCD, agoraphobia, attachment issues etc, I use to guide me - as markers so to speak rather than making me into them. So when I use the term marker what I am trying to say is - I now notice that sometimes I can go out on my own to places I wouldn't have been able to before. Eureka! That is an improvement! Huge! When I start to OCD out on something, those around me are pointing out my behaviour and I am now finally able to see it myself at times. That is a HUGE success as I am finding triggers and getting to them or staying clear of them if they feel too big.

So no, I don't use the terms as labelling myself but instead as a way of measuring my responses, my reactions and marking my progress. I truly believe the trauma is at the root of all of this and I can only focus on one thing at a time - might as well be the core. And if anyone has asked along the way what I am diagnosed with - my answer is always PTSD. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[ghotiff]

So no, I don't use the terms as labelling myself but instead as a way of measuring my responses, my reactions and marking my progress

@shimmerz, I so agree with this. The 'labels' help me understand what is going on and allow me to see 'symptoms' as related to something specific. For example I've been thinking about making a big life altering decision (but also knowing its not a smart decision) ... I was recently looking up depression (since my T is thinking anti-depressants for me) and I discovered that making drastic changes are linked to depression. This make me think that my thoughts of this decision are not 'real' but a part of my current 'depression'. If I wasn't looking at the label 'depression' I wouldn't have made that link and I would be taking my thoughts of this decision more seriously than I probably should be.

 

[shimmerz]

Nice one @ghotiff! Yes, that is exactly what I am talking about. So it as well allows one to look at whether things are 'real' (needing medication) or whether they are situational. Change the situation and can't find the solution to the depression or if doesn't ease, then maybe meds will ease it. Nice going!

 

[Smile]

Thank you @shimmerz ... I 100% agree with the way you deal and respond to triggers and such. That is my exact point on wanting to have a "label" of sorts.

@ghotiff , awesome self understanding! I had the same situation a few times and thank goodness for the people who kept me in check :) a few months ago I woke up one day and decided that it would be a brilliant idea to dye my hair blonde (been a very dark brunette my whole life). I even texted my hair stylist about it. He was very PC about it... Haha. Thank god for my sister who said to me, "maybe wait until you're feeling more stable before making that decision." Within 24 hours it was totally not on my mind, when I had been obsessive about it just the day before.

I don't see it as depression in myself but I could be wrong. I see it more as... A feeling of general helplessness in my life... And latching on to something I am able to change.

 

[missyj31]

Hi all - New to site & diagnosis. I have a childhood background of physical, psychological, emotional & sexual abuse and neglect. One of my brothers and I were rescued from that way of life by our Grandparents, aged 7 and 8. The contrast was phenomenal - and that is judging by the fragments I remember alone to make comparison. I remember being astonished and wonder struck witnessing that people actually lived this way, in parallel to our volatile and disadvantaged existence as we had known it up until that point. They provided a traditional christian family upbringing which was structured and modest yet our needs rarely went unmet. My memories and cognitive ability have proven functional at high level spectrum from the age 8 when I entered their care, yet the formative years are fragmented and disorganised.
Validating the concept of C-PTSD, the traumatic existence we experienced in (and out to temp crisis care placements) the care of our mother affected my brother and I in different ways. He was very angry, violent and hostile with occasional episodes of delusional psychosis becoming apparent in his mid teens. He forcefully rejected any therapy counsellors/psychologists could afford him, maintaining a highly reactive state of being until he learned to socially regulate at an acceptable level (for the most part) reflecting his peers through puberty. He was able to facilitate this by dissociative means, which signalled the onset of his paranoid-schitzophrenic episodes.
I overcompensated for what little value I held as an individual by continuing to enact the role of existing in service to others. The qualities stemming from necessity and survival to accurately assess the needs/intentions and potential threat of other people has resulted in characteristics that have continued to be a great strength for me, ironically. I have always been sensitive to the energy of other people and perceptive with a humanitarian heart & great compassion. It has enabled me to be exploited recurrently, attracting wounded individuals caught in a destructive cycle of perpetuating the abuse they had suffered. I also have sought these types of people out subconsciously where my fragile psyche retreats back to "home base".
I have kept these qualities intact and found ways to balance my own needs in more effective ways. Narrative therapy in my teenage years was an invaluable process for me in countless ways that I continue to benefit from. I was even drawn to life story work as therapy within a palliative care setting & volunteered whole-heartedly for two years, I didn't realise it at the time fully but this has been one attempt to fulfill my soul need of recovering my childhood memories. But there seems to be a fortress that cannot be penetrated.

 

[missyj31]

This has become a more urgent priority since I became a mother to Tristan (5) & Lyla (4). Overly conscientous, there is no external trace of my mother's parenting inability or environment from my childhood. Yet, this role triggered PTSD onset anew. I struggle with the fragment of my self image now as I approach my children with great love in my heart yet an inability to fully engage them emotionally or mentally, while the exact opposite qualities with my relating to others have been exceptional despite the abuse and neglect I have experienced in life. It brought a false sense of security, that I had managed to break the cycle - break free of the stigma. But now, I struggle.

 

[shimmerz]

The Conscious Parent is a really great book as to how children trigger us and in dealing with our triggers as they grow. Maybe take a look on Amazon and see if it calls to you. I am worried for the same reasons for my son who is expecting his first baby in less than a month.

 

[missyj31]

Thank you shimmerz, a great & apt recommendation... I bought it immediately after I finished reading the blurb. I think your son is fortunate that he has a mother available to him that has acknowledged this illness & actively endeavoured to find techniques to manage it.