Afraid I Only Do Heroic Things For Awful Reasons

[Mafia_Science]

Throughout my adolescence, I've been in physical altercations with many kids, but with good reason. I know, I sound like some monster right now, but let me explain.

When I was a child (ages 9-13), I was a skinny kid that was physically picked on consistently. One day, one of my main tormentors slapped me hard in the back of the head, and me, being 13 and just undergoing a growth spurt, turned around and beat the crap out of that kid. Nothing major, just a cut lip and bruised rib, but he was bawling and his parents wanted to transfer him to a different school. I was not in trouble, as I had told my teachers, but none of them ever did anything. No kid ever hit me again.

Since then, I developed the confidence to stand up for myself and others. Hitting people who were in the wrong, either for picking on a child smaller than them, stealing from others, or being racist/religionist. I'm still bigger than most of my peers, and stronger.

Just yesterday, some idiot was harassing a freshman girl at a volleyball game, and she was obviously not having it. He kept touching her arm, calling her cute, saying "come on just a little kiss." Everyone around her was obviously disgusted by his behavior, and I was getting really annoyed. Finally, he touched her butt, like he put his hand up her skirt... and I just had enough. I just walked up to him and punched him in the solar-plexus and just kept beating the crap out of him until one of his friends pulled me off.

I walked away feeling invigorated. I forgot all about the girl who was violated, I should've went over to her and comforted her, but I didn't even think about her. All I was thinking was that beating him up was fun. Then I realized that each time I beat someone up, I always felt good about it afterwards; not good about helping the victim, but that I got to beat someone. Note: I only resorted to physical violence if talking to the person myself didn't work, except this time.

I went into depth because I feel other people might do the same thing. Am I truly a jerk that only helps people out because it's fun to prey on those that are socially acceptable? Or does this behavior seem justly? Thanks

 

[Anarchy]

I don't know

I'm starting to deal with my own dark side in T

I'm sort of average height and used to be light build (until middle age spread set in) I was never a tough guy.

I was beaten up pretty much daily from approx 3 to 14 years old, including being choked unconscious.

I did knock another kid's teeth out before I was 11, and I was a bastard of a bully to a few kids after age 11.

I had a dream about one of them about 10 years ago, where I was being human towards him and calling him by his first name. that really stands out for me.

I'm at too early a stage in the process of working it all out to offer any real info.

I just hope the girl didn't take pity on the abusive creep that you punched.

are you seeing a T?

 

[hodge]

Hmm. On the one hand, I think it's good to stand up for more vulnerable kids. I've done it myself as a kid, though I never hit anyone. Not a fighter. On the other hand, I would say to watch yourself as you say yourself that you get something out of hitting other kids. That to me is a red flag. I agree with Anarchy -- talk to your T about this. You're a good kid and I admire you for being open about this. You take care, hon.

 

[EveHarrington]

That girl will remember you for the rest of her life. I bet you anything you changed her life for the better.

My only advice is don't get arrested.

 

[Mafia_Science]

@hodge thank you, I really appreciate it :hug:

@EveHarrington thanks for offering a new perspective, in the girl's shoes.

I would never hurt someone undeservingly/to the point of real injury (unless it was a life threatening situation)

 

[Friday]

Fighting is fun. Well. Less fun when I'm getting my ass handed to me. But in general? I love it.

Which means?

Discipline & Self Control = Training = MUST.

Because otherwise you'll hurt someone you don't intend to. Either because you hit them wrong for what you wanted to do, or because you're taking your rage out on people who don't deserve it, or worst of all, both.

You crossed a line, tonight. Pretty much everyone I know who enjoys fighting has. When you're lucky, nobody dies, and nobody goes to the hospital, and you don't spend the rest of your life in jail or wracked with guilt for it.

I would never hurt someone undeservingly/to the point of real injury (unless it was a life threatening situation)

That "I would never"? Bullshit. If you think you never would, you're not only wrong, you're likely to. Because it means you don't understand how fragile people are, or how easy it is to relax -or lose- your self control / see red / have to be pulled off of someone (ahem), how easy it is for someone to move "wrong" and the strike you aimed for somewhere non-lethal becomes somewhere very lethal, and ditto how people who don't know how to fall have a tendency to crack their head on furniture, curbs, and other brain injuring objects.

You already lost control once. It will happen again. Period.

2 most dangerous fighters / people I never want to face... Ever... White belts & pacifists. Because they do stupid shit (newbies), & have no self control (pacifists). So when they lose it? People tend to get hurt. Bad.

An experienced fighter will only kill, cripple, or maim me on purpose. An inexperienced fighter will do it on accident.

Get training. Learn discipline & self control.

 

[Mafia_Science]

@Friday thank you for the response. I agree, unexperienced fighting is very dangerous.

However, I would not call myself unexperienced. I've been in a boxing gym since the age of 8 or 9, and did Russian martial arts for 3 years. I've learned plenty about safe places and danger points. I also would not say I lost control. I always know exactly how much I want to hurt them, and I always know when to stop. In this case, when I was pulled off the kid, I wasn't done, and he doesn't have a mark on him. In RMA (Russian MA), I was taught to do things that inflict pain, but not damage.

Yes, I messed up yesterday. I should've verbally confronted him first. But I am not evil, and I mean it when I say I'll never hurt someone undeservingly.

 

[digger]

I should've verbally confronted him first.

So before yesterday, would you have said that you would ever have beat the crap out of someone before verbally confronting them about their behaviour first? I'm asking because you seem convinced that you have the self control to

never hurt someone undeservingly.

But self control doesn't seem to be featuring very high in the story from yesterday?

I mean it when I say I'll never hurt someone undeservingly.

This is dangerous ground in my opinion - self appointing yourself as the judge of what people deserve and when they deserve it. Very slippery slope I think. As a lot of us who have faced abuse know, the concept of being deserving of punishment can be a very subjective thing.

 

[Neverthesame]

I also would not say I lost control.

I would. Not for long and fortunately not too badly, but yeah you lost control.

he touched her butt, like he put his hand up her skirt... and I just had enough. I just walked up to him and punched him in the solar-plexus and just kept beating the crap out of him until one of his friends pulled me off.

I walked away feeling invigorated. I forgot all about the girl who was violated

This sounds like a loss of control. Not a big one, but you can't honestly believe that you were totally clinical in your decision making process, when you forgot about the damsel in distress? That was the whole point, right?

Don't get me wrong, I'd have punched the prick too. Not saying you are some kind of bad person. Not at all. f*ck yeah, good job lad. Were this a pub, I'd buy you a pint.

But don't do the denial thing. You got lucky, accept what happened and learn from it.

Am I truly a jerk that only helps people out because it's fun to prey on those that are socially acceptable? Or does this behavior seem justly?

I abhor violence, but like I said I'd have punched that prick too.

This reads like a lot of black and white thinking. Punching some tosser in the gut because he grabbed a girls ass. Is not good, nor is it bad. It's justifiable. You possibly could have sorted him out using words.

If I was in your shoes right then. I walk up the prick and say "Oi! Get your hands off her. You touch her again. I'll follow you home and burn your f*cking house down! Twat!". Is that better than hitting him? Nope. Worse? Nope.

That would also be a felony where I live now.

If you are forgetting things like "talking first", you need to have a hard look at what you feel is acceptable self control. Doesn't make you black and white evil/saint. But I think it's better if you learn it from yourself, rather than from the guys in the cars with the flashing blue lights, or a magistrate, yeah?

 

[hodge]

Please talk about this with your T, Mafia Science. You are still young enough that you can change your path, and you do not want to proceed on the path of deciding who needs to get beaten up. Speaking as a quasi mother figure here, I would love to see you focusing on your education instead and the marvelous things you could accomplish with your brain. Your future is yours to decide. Possible jail time and a life with a heart full of guilt or wondrous positive achievements?

 

[Mafia_Science]

You guys are right. It was a loss of control, and this behavior is very unacceptable and idiotic. I've been wanting to take an anti-violence demeanor for a while, I guess it's time to start now :). I don't want to be a violent person, hell, I've been a pescatarian for 2 months now for the ethical reasons. It's very pretentious of me to decide who "deserves to be beat up." Thank you guys, I needed someone to tell me I was in the wrong :hug: @hodge @Friday @Neverthesame @digger and everyone else.