Afraid To Feel

[Overcoming]

I'm new to this whole deal. After years of trauma left unprocessed, I've decided that it's time to go for it. I've met with the therapist once, and really struggled with mixed emotions following the first encounter. Introvert, that's one of my first hurdles, but not my biggest. For years I have mastered controlling my emotions and have done everything I can to dissociate. I grew up in a home where emotions were not allowed to be expressed, for fear of upsetting or "stressing" mom out. Unfortunately, it has led to an inability to truly handle intense emotions in a healthy way. I am so afraid of what might happen while recounting events and allowing myself to feel the emotions. I haven't even made it to that point in therapy yet for real, but am already feeling impulsive and struggling not to give in to self-harming. When I say impulsive, it's like more than the normal punching, picking, biting, or pinching myself, it's considering slipping with the chef's knife after cleaning up dinner, or picking up my keys and immediately, without warning, getting the urge to rake them down my arm. It's a mix of fear and rage. Throw anxiety and depression in the mix and I am just a jumbled ball of confusion. I don't want this to get worse. :bag:

 

[mamachick]

I hope you are able to explain your response to your therapist, I think that is really important. Your T is the one that can help you the best with this. I do understand how you feel and have stuffed my own emotions in fear. I am also afraid to feel.

Like you, I grew up not being able to express emotions. I learned to control them rather than manage them. At times, when circumstances escalated I just became more tolerant of others and situations. I was always able to intellectualize stuff, or be the reasonable one, until one day it just didn't work anymore. I guess it got to be to much. IDK. Then I think dissociation came in. Then vacillating between the class clown/mascot role and overly responsible role. Cant find the happy medium I guess. Working on it though.

Glad you are addressing this.

 

[Nevermore]

@I'smom I too grew up this way and it has made therapy hard. When I feel really emotional I also feel terrified and wonder if im going mad, and I too get impulsive in a bad way.
I'm learning slowly how to accept my feelings and even at times express them.
I don't think i realised before how much I held my feelings in. As @brat17 said I too just became more and more tolerant as situations escalated and when it got beyond the beyond, I dissociated (not within my control) -anything to stop myself expressing my feelings.
It takes time to unlearn such a strong lesson from childhood. Im slowly getting there - it does feel good, liberating! But I've still got a long way to go.
Rage and fear - I really get that. The bigger the emotion in me, the greater the fear.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the Forum!
I am so sorry for your traumas, and your need for support! That being said, you have found a HIGH QUALITY support "team."

I have issues with bad, or negative "feelings", also. They are ugly, messy, uncomfortable, and always unwanted. I would choose to be a happy, shallow idiot in comparison to feeling the pain of sorrow, loss, grief, anger, and fear. Is that a bit like you feel?

It WOULD be great if we could stuff them into some huge container and leave them there, THEN, have them hauled away in a garbage truck into "GONE FOREVER LAND!!!" How amazing that would be.

But, I have learned that when we shut down "bad" emotions, we lose the ability to feel the good ones too.

THAT'S what we have to decide. Choose the possibility of joy, and love, or live a flat, "colorless", and lonely life.

It takes a willingness to "vomit up" the words that describe our painful childhood, or trauma...that describe deep, horrid pain that we have done our best to run from, or swallow, and hide away. It's hard to admit that we "go off" on ourselves LITERALLY, and self injure. That is hard to admit.

I REALLY DO HOPE that you will "dive in" as best you can, knowing, or hoping, that moving forward is better than staying in the same miserable spot!

There REALLY IS GOOD STUFF that can be found, but it takes hard work, and persistence. I hope you will choose LIVING!

Blessings to you!
AKJ

 

[Enaila]

I was that way myself when I first found out I had ptsd, which was a few years ago, but some days are still tough. With seeing a therapist regularly, I learned coping techniques to help me through the tough days. It often does get worse before it gets better. You have to go through and process feelings and memories in order to lessen the power of the PTSD.

Support from this site has been invaluable to me over the past few months. Sharing, chatting, and reading information from others who have been through the symptoms and pain is assisting in my healing. I hope you stick around and check the site out.

 

[Overcoming]

@brat17 I can definitely relate to what you are saying, and am thankful that you are sharing your own experience. It is helpful.

I too grew up this way and it has made therapy hard. When I feel really emotional I also feel terrified and wonder if im going mad, and I too get impulsive in a bad way.

@Nevermore Yes! I'm afraid of losing my crap (for lack of better words). I have a baby boy, and I'm careful to do my best not to transfer my anxiety and things on him. My mother did that constantly to us as children. I also want to be present to love my husband, and not be losing my mind.

I have issues with bad, or negative "feelings", also. They are ugly, messy, uncomfortable, and always unwanted. I would choose to be a happy, shallow idiot in comparison to feeling the pain of sorrow, loss, grief, anger, and fear. Is that a bit like you feel?

It takes a willingness to "vomit up" the words that describe our painful childhood, or trauma...that describe deep, horrid pain that we have done our best to run from, or swallow, and hide away. It's hard to admit that we "go off" on ourselves LITERALLY, and self injure. That is hard to admit.

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I do wish that I could be numb to the emotions and be "happy-go-lucky." I've not lived that way though...I couldn't begin to imagine it. Not prior to Glory anyway. And, yea, it is really hard to admit that we "go off" on ourselves and self-injure, but that is what is happening. I plan to address it with my Therapist. I'd like to learn to regulate my emotions better and respond well before walking into the deepest thick of them.

@Enaila What coping techniques have you found to work best for you?

I'm grateful to have found this online support team. These are things that I don't feel like I could tell just anyone. I'm a private person, for the most part, it took me a while of being a member of the site before getting over my anxiety about posting.