All Questions, No Real Answers

[Loola]

non of chose to be humans... where to be born, and what to get in this life...
yet you get to chose how to get on with ur life... and u can live it ur way! believe me...
it is good that you appreciate having some close friends... and quoting from what you said that it is such a petty you dont get to enjoy spending time with them...
the same is happening with me... believe me i am depressed... and i just do not what this "life" is all about... i just dont want to wake up and live every day... i feel like everyone knows what they want and i am stuck here in my room, stressed, fatiqued, and afraid... not knowing why i dont get to enjoy everything in my life...
kind of freeking out bcz i am not spending time with my friends, family, etc.
well this adds more pressure to the original stress we already having~
the thing is that we are not ok and we have to accept this fact...
true friends should stick around and help us if we really mean sth to them!
dont feel guilty like i do... let us both be a bit selfish and let them help us!
it is a phase and we need help! i hope it makes u a bit better knowing that there are other people just like you (me...)

 

[beatle_bailey]

story

before Iwas 14 I had bin shot by a gromy old man , who latewr became a friend to the nieborhood gang { all us kids not really a gang } I had taken out his electric metor with my ristrocket {a fancy home made sling shot }
and was proptly shot in the Ass , the old man was also a good shot as I was , he used low powered 22 shells . Dad dug that out and I got a Beatin to boot . a nother leason learnd .
I was maybe 17 when I was shot buy some kids we were having a shooting contest with . I won hands down . well as we were leaving I guess one very jellous loser shot me in the back . more os Dads medic work and then He told me to never turn your back on a boy with a gun , this time I got a pat on the back for not looseing the shooting match .
we had our FID cards since 12 yrs old Dad insisted we learn the proper use and safety of fire arms . for that I am thankful .
again this point is physical [ain is just som thin that happen to me , I got over it anddrove on .
Over the years I would take down 2 telephone poles and wreck many many cars , and because of that I would also become a pretty good back yard macanick . there were many very bad wrecks , but the ones that bothered me the most were the ones when I would hurt some one else .
once at 14 -15 yrs I was hid byb a womwn on a bad highway we lived near . was thrown many feet . but just jumped up and when she stopped I was so pumped up I would just yell at this older woman for being a spupid shit , I would walk away limping , when I gpt home Mom would ask me what happened to my clothes and why I was limping and so brusswd up . well I told the truth and got a wwippen for not getting the womans name and being a stupid little shit . I would hit a womwn , after my major car wreck in 1975 , while I was on my motor cycle { this was the first time I would ride it after my big accident and Blinded right eye } Iwas riding threw the dirt pits , till My buddy and I hit the pavement , Well I hit the gas and just kicked into 3rd gear when this lady stepped out from inbetwwwn to semi trucks , I took her down bad , again my injuries ment nothing to me , she was hurt bad , I made her as comfortable as posible and get an ambulance . she had broken leg ,ribs laseration and a concushsion . the medic's ask about me and i would decline help , I had a lot of rode burn andwas bleedins , but that I could tend to ,now are you gettin that I may be just a bit stuburn , this may have been from the year or my Dads bite the bullit thinking .

sorry I'm just tired of typing . this takes to long and I can't sit in any one possition for any lenth of time . it just hurts to much
Beatle Bailey :hello:

PS. to Adminitration , sorry I did not capitalize the title word ,Story . I tried but could not figure out how to do it

 

[beatle_bailey]

Story Contiues

fortunately for me I never saw combat in the Army ... that duz not mean I have not heald death in my hands , preformed CPR to others or bin exposed to near death accident of others or my own .
I will never forget a youg woman who died in my arms . I had never met before this day , I drove up to my friends house , we were going out to do a little smokeing grass , drinking , fish , shooting , and going to have a good laugh . When I pulled into this guys shared driveway and got out of the car , every one in the neighbophood was walking right at me , , , I put my hands out and Said whats going on . The people told me there had been a shooting , in the house right in back of me . I went in just because that is what I was trained to do years before .
when I went threw the door , there was a young woman , small blonde and lieing flat on her back , I could see she was in bad shape, bleeding from 5 gun shots , She was choking -so the first thing I did was clean teeth and part of her tunge out of Her air way , I started to talk with Her . I don't think I ever got her name or if I did at that time it ment little to the situation. I checked her other wounds . they were all internal and She was going into shock . now out side 911 or thee cops had been called and the ambulance was on the way .
So I stayed with this young lady , elivated her feet covered her and just held Her and we talked ,what litte She could and what litte I could console or ease her fears . This sucks and still tairs me apart f383 some people out there .
time stands still in this sort of situation , I have no idea how long I was with this little Lady {but it was Texas ,thing are few and far between }
It was lonfg enough for me to watch the life drain out of Her . She died in my alms . I will never forget her face ... I went to a priest soon after , we talk for i don't know how long , but he was little help .
even a few days later I had a jub interview , that turned out me about reeady to beat the shit out of the boss but my budd Tom got me out of there just before the cops showed up .
So tell me where duz PTSD strat , how many ttimes can we add to it , and are there any real answers , except the mental torure lessens over time .
now this happened over maybe 25 yrs ago and telling this still hurts . the night mares of my past have for the most part stopped . but when people want to know what makes me who I am . Well this is a part of me , there aree many joyous things that have happened also . It just seems the bad Shit shapes us a little stronger ...

I have to walk away now , sit and think or call my friend , maybe just cry

Beatle bailey

PS I will not even try to correct any typo's

 

[Luthien]

I can't even contemplate a situation like that. It is no wonder that it still affects you even today. I don't think people ever just "get over" watching a person die violently.
I know from personal experience that all of our negative experiences can add to PTSD, and further traumas definitely makes it more difficult to start healing.

From what I have read of your story, your life has been one big trauma after another, many awful life experiences just piled up.

Any one of the things you have mentioned could have been enough to be the original trauma, where PTSD started. Do you think you know where the PSTD started?

I don't know if there is an answer to PTSD. If it will ever go away, and you'll no longer have it. I am starting to suspect that for me at least, it will always be there.

I may learn to move on with my life, and start to build new happy memories, but I think hearing The Eagles will always bring me back. Seeing one of my rapists, or even someone who looks like them, will always bring me right back. Being touched the wrong way will always bring me back.

Maybe just maybe the smaller triggers will go away, or can be lessened. I can only hope, and I think it is the same for most, if not all of us.

I am so glad you're purging this stuff, whether it is on here with us, or with your friends and others you trust. I am also glad you realise when you need to take a break, and you allow yourself to cry. These are good things.

Keep getting it all out. Myself, and others will be here to read.

One thing you said is that you've had good experiences too. It is true that the bad ones tend to have more of an impact, so I believe we need to focus on the good as much as we can.

Maybe you can share some of your good stuff with us? Just to remind yourself.

I am going to start doing the same in my diary, because I too need to put this into practice.

 

[beatle_bailey]

Luthien
Thank you once again for your kind words . but , I have been working on this ever since I got sober {also in AA} 17 years now and my biggest brake throughs have come from that fellowship .
It was only 3 yrs ago I got into another accident and hurt a youg lady again that the PTSD came Back in full force . It would take my friend goingon hope months to get on this site so as to recover as best I could again.

I am doing this now to let those who may be interested in me , Get a better picture of who and what i am and how much this sort of thing can help us heal as best we can .
Yes I will share some very good thing later that have happened in my life .

The one question you asked . where might the PTSD have started is were Anthony and I disagree . but that is where the question is debateable and is also unimportant to me . like I said which came first the chicken or the egg , duz it really matter , we got chicken .

I do every thing I have to do to heal , I have fun to this day , in fact I refuse not to enjoy life . I also feel every thing , Thats what we are supose to do and we grow with every step we take .
I have had lots of extream experiences . some bad lots Good .
I will continue ,maybe with just a little more caution , not real sure of that tho

Beatle Bailey

 

[patrick]

Do carry on Beatle. From what I've read, I can't imagine you being very cautious. It's part of your charm. You have the strength of a lion and a heart of gold. Keep on feeling everything...I'm working every day to be able to feel more. Your diary is a model of that for me. Thanks.
Pat

 

[cragger65]

BB, your life experience reminds me so much of growing up. Thanks for that.

 

[beatle_bailey]

Patrick
your probly right ,I live life the way I do and taking risks make my heart pound . My daughter and maybe many others say and think I'm crazy , I just say I like exciteing things . one such incident was the first time I went to Small Falls , which is a bunch of water falls that end in one big water fall , it is quite a atractios on the Appilation trail in Maine .
Well I walked up to the kids that were diving off one set or rocks into the pool below { the pool looks small from way above } I asked the kids how deep the pool was and they said 30 or 40 ft .
I then asked were is the highest point to dive from . with a funny look in there eyes they suggested I start low first . and with a wilder look in my eyes I responded why. well they pointed out the spot and I climbed to the 80 ft level and took a look .

Now I am not saying I did not have some hessitation or trepidation . But I walked to the edge , took a deap breath and did a swan dive . It was very cold water but also so invigarating I dove off that rock 8 or 9 times that day . On my last time a woman tourist looked at me and said WOW you must have been doing that all your life ,did you grow up around hear . with a big grin on my face I told her no , so she ask how long have you bin diving here , with a bigger grin , I said just today .

My daughter and my friend spent many a summer in the same area playing in that river and mountains . What a story I could make longer with all we did there .
thank you for your kind words

cragger65
keep livin life to the fullest . glad we have that comon thread
Beatle

 

[Kunoichi]

Beatle,

I don't think I would EVER do that..(terrified of heights lol) but I'm glad you did it. It makes me wonder (with a touch of sadness) am I really living now or just going through life? I want to live, but fear and my own lack of healing are stopping me. Is it "ok" to slow down and just heal? I wish I knew what the "right" choice was.

Kunoichi

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, Kunoichi, you have to be true to you.

Although Beatle, -maybe you & I could go sky-diving one day? :wink:

Good for you..they say everyone (if you've done it 'right') should go out of this life saying, "Wow, wonderful, -what a ride!"

 

[beatle_bailey]

My Friend Kunoichi
We start with little steps . be kind to your self . you are making great strides , whether you believe it or not . I believe in you .

it is very hard for you to see in yourself what you have acomplished alreary .
mabe try a kayak trip or some other thing you may enjoy ,Just to have for , try throwing a frisbee , anything .
your choice is right for you . Baby steps young Lady .

Junebug 2 years ago I jumped for the first time in 33 yrs , at a Ranger rondaivue , I was thrilled to the bone , Iwas only stadic line qualified and after a small refresher coarse .I jumped stadic line out of a small sesna. the jumpmaster was proud os my exit and recovery , I had twisted risers , so when I looked up after the opening shock , I simply said to self {Dam that ain't right } seperated my risers and peddled my feet just as the shoot was going into a total falure , but It spun out and from a mile in the sky the Rangers on the ground could hear my Ranger Ranger yell .

so now I have a jump book again and am thrilled to jump those new rectalgle shoots again . . you can give me a leson or two . I'm not to proud to take lesons from any one with more reasent jumps than mine .

Believe me I will live life to its fullest

Beatle Bailey

 

[Tinyflame]

O Beatle- We can all take a lesson from you. I am so proud because you always speak the truth and you have so much wisdom.

If I can ever adopt 1/10 th of your appreciation for life and your courage I will be 10 times as happy.