Childhood Almost 50 Years Later My Childhood Abuse Still Casts a Dark Shadow Over My Life

[David1959]

I am a survivor, sort of of childhood abuse and did not say a word to anyone in the world for 45 years, then my world came crashing down. After a series of professional set backs about 4 years ago I slipped into a very deep depressions accompanied by horrible flashbacks to me as a 10 year old being abused. It was not a revelation, I have known for my entire life that between about 10-13 I was repeatedly abused by a pedophile who was an acquaintance of the family, no one knew.

At the very lowest point of my depression I finally went to a therapist and told my story or at least what I could remember of it to a living person and to myself. After telling a living person my deep secret for the first time I was then able to tell my loving wife who carried me on her back through my depression. After therapy with a wonderful Dr whom I was lucky to find only 6 months before she retired and medication I was finally able to crawl out of the hole and able to function. I am left with part of me wanting to remember exactly what happened to me and part of me scared to remember.

It is now 4 years later and I am back to a functioning adult but not resolved. The therapist who had been practicing for 50 years and had been using EMDR for 30 years once commented that I had the strongest and most resistive mind she had ever seen, my disassociation was like a steel wall. I was not cured so to speak as a matter of fact while it allowed me to survive it created more questions about my life than answers.

What I learned was every aspect of my life has been guided by an invisible had in a lot of ways and decisions I have made have been unknowingly influenced. I realize I am broken in ways I can only barely understand. Here are a few of the effects on my life I can at least recognize if not understand and control;

• I have a hard time forgiving people for anything
• It is impossible to forgive myself for letting this happen
• I have acquaintances but no friends
• I was a heavy drug user from about 13-20 (oddly I did not smoke pot for about 30 years but have started again)
• I am never out of control, no matter how high or whatever circumstances
• I disassociate in difficult situations
• I am both viewed by the outside world in business as a success and extremely innovative and smart but inside I view myself as a scared incompetent child

I am beginning to realize that I need to start therapy again to learn all the ways my decisions are based on my abuse and how to recognize and adjust as needed.

 

[ladee]

So happy to see you reaching out ! Glad you found us. And thank you for your candid post and the vulnerablitly you showed to introduce yourself.

I relate to many of the things you listed, but can also assure you, you wanting or knowing you need further therapy, will help you to understand and help to get to a different place with the things on that list.

This forum is full of people who understand. We are all in different places with recovery, so you will get the support and 'hearing ears' you need.

Again, glad you are here. It takes time, as you already know, but now you have a huge group of people who understand. And who will support you on the next phase of your healing journey.

Read around the forum, the Articles will help you understand many aspects, and just reading others posts will help you to know you are in a place of understanding and support. You did great by letting us know you are here !!!

 

[David1959]

So happy to see you reaching out ! Glad you found us. And thank you for your candid post and the vulnerablitly you showed to introduce yourself.

I relate to many of the things you listed, but can also assure you, you wanting or knowing you need further therapy, will help you to understand and help to get to a different place with the things on that list.

This forum is full of people who understand. We are all in different places with recovery, so you will get the support and 'hearing ears' you need.

Again, glad you are here. It takes time, as you already know, but now you have a huge group of people who understand. And who will support you on the next phase of your healing journey.

Read around the forum, the Articles will help you understand many aspects, and just reading others posts will help you to know you are in a place of understanding and support. You did great by letting us know you are here !!!

Thanks Ladee

I have learned enough to operate on a daily basis but what I don't know scares me in many ways but one of them is the fear that many of my decisions are pre ordained and not in my control. I will continue my journey but am scared to open the floodgates.

I was watching a TV show yesterday with people morning a loss, this is something I am not able to do. I can't cry and I can't mourn no matter how large the loss, I know that is pretty f'd up. I think if I ever started to cry it would be impossible to stop

 

[ladee]

@David1959 , we all have that fear. That once we start to feel things we have kept locked down for years, is going to drown us. I know that feeling well.

This is where you make very sure you have a good trauma Therapist if possible. And that you establish a relationship with this T. And it be one that explains things when you ask questions. It won't be a full on break thru, it will be a process to get to the parts you have shut down. You don't have to do them all at once.

And yes, it may feel very overwhelming, but having a good T also teaches you good grounding tools. Things to help you thru the rough parts. And we are here to listen and make suggestions of things that worked for us.

Try your best to keep in mind how brave you are to even be thinking about starting this new process to go to another level of healing. It sounds like you are ready, in spite of the fears. Please give yourself a lot of credit for not being satisfied with half a life.

Healing is hard work. And sometimes it hurts, a lot. I'm not going to sugar coat that because I feel you deserve the truth to be validated. But also keep in mind, many of us have been where you are, are in the middle of where you want to be, and some of us are on the other side. So you are going to have support the whole way. And validation that you are not going to drown in the process.

Feelings are not facts. But if we want a more quality life, we have to test ourselves in ways we never dreamed we could meet the challenge. And you have the option, always, to slow things down. Take breaks. Regroup.

Self care, how ever you find that brings comfort to you, is something to practice too. I am not a bubble bath and candles woman, I like to go to the backroads in nature and find my peace of mind. Or art, or reading things that are simply entertaining, not recovery related.

We will help you find the things you might enjoy, or encourage the things you do enjoy. You are not alone anymore. And people here understand. We belong to a club we never wanted to be a member of, but here we are. Making the best of bad beginnings. And there are other men here to listen also. @somerandomguy and @MrMoonlight are two men here who are active and supportive. You might want to 'follow' them and read about their journey and see if you relate. Because the fears are different and how we handle them is different sometimes.Both men have diaries, you might want to read some, and let them know you are here if they don't reply to your introduction.

Keep reminding yourself you are picking your pain. The pain of staying the same, or the pain of growth. Respect and admiration that you are at least going to give this a try. We are here for you. You are not alone.

 

[somerandomguy]

@ladee, thank you for summoning me!

@David1959 - welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry you're going through what you're going through right now, but you now have an incredible resource to help you if you want to use it. This place and all the folks who post here have absolutely blessed me with their wisdom and support. We are here to help you, if you let us.

Healing is incredibly scary. I have just started on my journey. But I know it's been worth it and it continues to be worth it. I have felt happier and more free in the last six months than I ever have before in my life. It's possible. And it's possible for you, too.

 

[David1959]

Thank all for likes and comments. I really wrote this for myself but it is nice to know that there are others who understand. I also appreciate any comments and experiential stories as they help in knowing you are not alone.

 

[grit]

Thank you from the bottom of my life for writing this post. It is amazing and so much similar to my life. Thank you so much.
I hope you find the peace you are feeling somewhat but yet not feeling somewhat.

If I may borrow your points to illustrate something about myself that were similar to yours (at least according to me, you maynot see the same):
@David1959 wrote (highlighted comments):

• have a hard time forgiving people for anything - Me too for a long time. This is splitting. It is hard to get over it unless you educate yourself about this normal human reaction in trauma. It is hard to see your abuser as good so you created a very definite thing for their category so anyone who reminds you of similar feeling (could be frustration, fear, humiliation, physical pain etc), they go to the same category. That category for me was hatred. I hated my mother but also loved her cause I had no one else. I split so deep and so far I did not know about it until I came to therapy and split on her and him too. But I used my cognition (my saviour) so I write down who I hate or split on and I acknowledge and I start to make sense out of it. You sound extremely intelligent man and that is why you had a great resilience and I hope you learn more about splitting if you have not. If you cannot forgive people emotionally, at least try cognitively. and BTW, you probably do that someways at work anyways but yet again split work and personal.
• It is impossible to forgive myself for letting this happen - Do you mean the abuse or the not forgiving? for me, I overcame the forgiving because I am also married so I practice in my marriage and with friends and the forgiving spill into other areas. The abuse - well hard for me to forgive my mother for abusing me from god knows when to until I ran away at 18 but I did accept that she also gave me the strength I have. Your experience is with a family friend so I do not know if you need to forgive or accept or many other ways but I truly hope you get help with this with your therapist.
• I have acquaintances but no friends - Interesting comment and so true for me. however, I am now cleaning up my friendship/acquaintances treasure box and keeping those that are true people. If you have not, maybe ask yourself why you keep certain people around even for casual? Are you trying to fill time? feel better about yourself? are there some you no longer need? why is that? see if you are using them for deflection? or they boost your ego or you boosting theirs.
• I was a heavy drug user from about 13-20 (oddly I did not smoke pot for about 30 years but have started again) - I do not have this problem but I do find alcohol while in deep therapy very difficult.
• I am never out of control, no matter how high or whatever circumstances -This was another interesting comment and I thank you again for putting it so simply but yet so powerfully. I wonder just wonder if then though you are in control in situations, how are you when alone? What do you think of? how do you feel? who are you when alone? I only asked because I also do not lose control but now in therapy, I find expressing frustration or anger or even feelings of hostility much easier. Before I was i straightjacket. I hope you let go steam in therapy. this is dangerous for health...at least for me.
• I disassociate in difficult situations. This one I have exactly same thing. My emotions are well developed. I do not dsyregulate at all (I mean not out of the health spectrum). My cognition of dealing with people is also well developed. But yet they did not have connection. I do not know how you know you dissociate? what do you do when you are dissociated? how do you know it is coming or leaving? I feel talking about my emotions directly makes me dissociate. I need to think, note my thoughts and then give my feeling a name. If you ask me to not think but feel, I am dissociating...at least until recently. I will give you an example: I thought about my husband cheating on me with a friend. and she helping him in his career. Never happened. Just a thought. I realised, I was having abandonment feelings or detachment toward my husband. the thoughts give me glimpses of my feelings. But if the therapist just pushes me to express abandonment feelings, I would dissociate or say nah! I do not feel that. I need to acknowledge the thought in order to translate to the word of the feeling underlying the thought. Can you sit and see your thoughts and translate them to emotions or the names of emotions you think? Sometimes I feel so tired and I wish I had help - a person who could do this or that or tell me what to do? I translate that to feeling helpless. When I take my time, I am good but life is too fast so I would shut down until I have time to think and process. This is why I dissociated. I cannot say at work or to therapist. hmmm let me think of my thoughts to translate them into emotions. it is too long. so I never learned how to stop dissociation but now that I made this connection. I am trying to shorten the gap. - that gap is my dissociation. so how do you know you dissociate again?
• I am both viewed by the outside world in business as a success and extremely innovative and smart but inside I view myself as a scared incompetent child - another extremely apt comment. you truly have a way of simplifying complex feelings. This makes me feel you are not so far off as you think. If you were so far off for recovery, you would be confused. Your language and simplifications would be limited. I think you are on the verge of spillage to recovery. Think of that child, what would he want today? if you have a child, how would you soothe that child? you are lucky man to have a great support and love in your wife, that itself is a great accomplishment.

I wish you all the best, peaceful life, more love and I truly hope you take that turn for the better.

 

[hithere]

Thank you for writing your post. It helps me feel validated. The events that occurred in my life were also decades ago and in similar fashion as yours it all came crashing down on me.

 

[David1959]

Thanks Grit and HiThere, as I said I wrote this more to congeal the thoughts in my mind but I am glad that it has struck a chord with others. I went through 45 years of thinking I was the only one in my situation.

Grit asked about forgiving myself for letting this happen. I was referring to the abuse, it was my fault. I went voluntarily into this situation and did not stop going back. I was more interested in the fun things we did and blocked out the abuse from what I know understand was a professional pedophile. Even though I was likely drugged during abuse I can not get over the fact that it was all my fault. I never told anyone, not even my loving parents, my fault and the rash of life changing and negative decisions I have made throughout my life, my fault.

I know it does not make sense but it is likely the strongest core feeling I carry and I suspect I have sabotaged myself throughout my life as deserved punishment.

 

[grit]

I am sorry you feel this was your fault. I am really sorry you feel a child had any chance against a professional pedophile. One of mine used to give me sugar cubes to lure me in and I feel today I did not have a chance. It took me at 46yrs to seek help in therapy. I also survived living in straightjacket life style.

I just found this site and I hope you find some gem in this woman's thoughts and writing.

Which Comes First? Thoughts or Feelings? by Elisabeth...please google it. Her website is called beating trauma and she has amazing ways to deal with recovering from dissociation.

Thank you again for sharing your story by reading it, I actually honestly started to reintegrate few feelings I had today.

sending you positive energy.

 

[ladee]

@David1959 , unfortunately, it is very common for us to believe our abuse was our fault. You will read over and over and over here, we thought it was our fault. Because of some of the reasons you listed, or because we didn't stop it, or because it felt good and our young minds could not distinguish that is a normal body reaction.

The main thing will be shared here, it is NEVER your fault, never was, never will be. We were abused by people who took time to groom us, or forced themselves on us, or we were too young to fight back , or we didn't tell anyone. And many more reasons that we felt it was our fault. It was NEVER our fault, regardless of our age or circumstances.

Learning to believe that, is another thing entirely. That's where a lot of our healing work comes in at this stage of recovery.

As a female, I needed attention and to know that I was cared about by someone, anyone. But the abuse was not my fault. Even as I got older and made really bad choices, the core of wanting to be cared about still carried thru on those choices, or by then I didn't feel I deserved any different.. Or felt that was all I was good for.

I am hoping the response has not overwhelmed you in a bad way. That is one thing about being here. People step up to let you know you are not alone. That we all understand why you feel it's your fault, and will be with you as you do the work to find out , it's NOT your fault.

We keep things to our self. So when we find out that many others feel the same way, it is relieving in some ways, and sometimes too much to hear. We understand that too.

Just take your time. And was grateful @somerandomguy replied, so you will, as a man, know, that another man understands too. That's very important.

Just very glad you are here. Take your time. We understand that part too.

 

[somerandomguy]

@ladee is absolutely correct. It is part and parcel of the the traumatized brain - we blame ourselves for being abused. In exactly zero cases, however, is that actually true. It is NEVER, EVER, EVER an abused person's fault.